Only a few months after she moved down to south Florida, she began to express her unhappiness with the area. She wasn't making any friends and dearly missed her friends in central Florida. Unfortunately, I brushed off these feelings as temporary, explaining she needed some time to adjust and make some new friends.
I am taking this is her first time ever moving away from central Florida? Usually it is at about 6 to 18 months that this happens. Takes time to work through. What you said to her was true. But she said her complaints with out offering any solutions. The words were fix this. Perhaps they should have been can you help me through this any suggestions. And you two could have joined clubs ... etc....
Originally Posted By: AlkalineThoughts
As she had a hard time finding a job, I was able to get her a job at the company I worked for (Small company with just 4 employees, one of which is my older brother). She took the job, and suddenly we were together 24 hours a day, every day.
That was very good of you and your brother to get her this job in such a difficult economic time.
Originally Posted By: AlkalineThoughts
In February of this year, I had the feeling that something was terribly off, but my wife has always been a very internal person, keeping her feelings to herself, especially if they are feelings that she knows would hurt me (as I tend to be hypersensitive at times). However, this feeling of dread got the best of me and I snooped through her cell phone. BIG mistake. I found some emails and pictures that she'd sent to an ex, and I was devastated.
No. You had thoughts that something was not right with the relationship. That she was hiding something and not giving her share to the marriage. So instead of going off the handle and accusing her of your thoughts. You verified and then confronted her on her poor boundaries with the ex boyfriend.
Originally Posted By: AlkalineThoughts
Back to the story: I confronted her about the emails (which stated that she was planning on moving back to central Florida and our marriage would depend on if I went too) and picture and it blew up. During that conversation, she told me we'd been finished for a long time, that she wasn't happy at all and thought there was too much damage to ever repair.
Typical rewrite of history to match the current poor boundaries and her choice to go sleep with another man.
Originally Posted By: AlkalineThoughts
I immediately started seeing an IC, as did she. I quickly started doing some 180s: She complained that I was too clingy and touchy-feely, always having to touch her whenever she'd walk by, and my therapist suggested I stop... And it worked wonders! She started IC and things started to seem like they were getting better quickly.
I will come back to this. As there is some importance here. And something that you and the IC missed.
Originally Posted By: AlkalineThoughts
A month later, she left for a visit to central Florida for the weekend, and when she returned, she told me she wanted to have a talk. During that conversation, she told me that although the last month of our relationship was the best we'd ever had, she was still so unhappy and couldn't stand to be in south Florida with me anymore. She told me she needed to find her independence, find out who she was, and think about things. I begged an pleaded, but her mind was made up. A few weeks later (May 2012) she packed up her car and left.
This is typical.... Rewrite. She had her hook up or set it up.
So now she packed her bags and left to find her independence in the city she knows surrounded by familiar friends, family , buildings and EX. Her words of independence = affair. They are that plain and simple.
Independence was something she was experiencing when she moved to Miami. She could have made some different choices for some free time. Such as joining a running club with other women, taking night school , art classes, volunteering and getting a part time job. The list is endless. Then she could have offered the other solution of heading up the turn pike to Mouseville every other weekend. That way you would be given the opportunity to get to know her family and friends.
I know I know. Honest suggestions and solutions to her problem. But I think the real problem was that she was not acting like she was involved in a marriage so she reached out to the old boyfriend and saw he was game.
And around this time she was complaining about not finding work. But how active was she looking? And you worked and offered a solution to her problem.
So with that problem resolved..... She switched it to were spending too much time together. Yet offered no solutions about getting some hobbies or studies or sports to gain some independence.
See its horsehockey.
Look at it this way.
She quit a job in a small company that you and your brother work at after being there for a short while. No doubt this looks bad. Because it is. She just quit and left. After complaining that she could not find any jobs.
Does she have a job in CF ? How is she paying for her life there ? I hope the words are not "I am giving her money"
She said she wanted independence. Yes it was independence to break her vows. Nothing more nothing less.
She complained that you are too affectionate. I am guessing that you are always like this. So this is something she decided was fine when she married you as I am guessing it was not an issue before the marriage. She told you that your primary love language [censored] and she wants you to change it or else.
Do you see the issue here. It should have you been saying. Wife. I hear what your saying on always touching you. But this is how I like to express my love and desire for you. For it is important for me to make sure you know this. It helps with our marriage when I can freely express my primary love language to you. So I would like you to work with me on this as it is good for the marriage and I will work with you on your primary love language and show my love for you that way as well.
Do you see what I am saying here.
HER PROBLEM = COMPLAINT = YOU CHANGE SOLUTION
HER PROBLEM = COMPLAINT = EA/PA
VS.
HER PROBLEM = COMMUNICATE = YOU COMMUNICATE , OFFER SOLUTION BOTH WORK TO RESOLVE IT.
HER PROBLEM = COMMUNICATE AND OFFER SOLUTION BOTH WORK TO RESOLVE IT.
HER PROBLEM = SHE WORKS TO RESOLVE HER ISSUE
MY PROBLEM = YOU COMMUNICATE , OFFER SOLUTION BOTH WORK TO RESOLVE IT.
MY PROBLEM = I WORKS TO RESOLVE MY ISSUE
It's like what she is saying now.
You did not fight to make me stay.
How could you? It is a statement with only one outcome. You lose.
If you did fight to make her stay. She would have been complaining that she needs independence , you too controlling , always around... opps..... Oh yea thats right she did this already.
How do you think she would have liked it if you said a very truthful statement to her.
Wife you are always complaining about everything to me. Yet you never offer any solutions and just expect me to change. This is not how I envision our marriage to work. I am not here to fix all your issues. Work with you and support you yes.
What do you think she would have said to that?
I think you better not make the mistake of following your cheating wife to CF.
Stay with your job and learn to gain some confidence. I would pick up a sport or a hobby where you will regain your self esteem.
You see. You are living in Fl. So you need to think this long term. As you know about life long alimony.
This is the path you are setting up.
You are 18 months into your marriage.
This current behaviour will most likely go on for at least a year or two while she knows you are there waiting for her.
So that puts you at 4 years.
Then she comes back to work on it ( I mean work on you to change to her liking ) And not 100% committed to the marriage This takes 2 to 5 years.
So your at 6 to 9 years.
Then out of the blue you get the talk.
You limbo for a few years.
Then D and its payments for life.
But you do have some other choices as well.
You have the choice to say D. Move on. Which is an option here based on her actions and poor choices.
If it was me I would follow the next option.
You continue to work on yourself. Build your self esteem. Be honest with your brother on why your wife quit her job and moved back to the mouse. His support will help you through these tough times. Especially when your work slides. He can call you out on it and support you on it.
Really think about the woman you married. Not how you envision she is. How she really is. Her strengths and flaws. You know she is the person to drop everything , hurt you to the core , sleep with another man , and then when you confront she will say it was your fault. You know she complains about everything. You know she does not take ownership for her issues. You know she is not honest with you and will string you along. Then she expects you to wait it out and then win her heart back ( Change to her liking ) These are part of who she is. You need to wrap your head around this. And truly decide if this is something you can live with and overcome.
But to do that means strong boundaries. So you need to learn them. They need to be communicated.
You need to learn to communicate your issues with solutions offered. If you have no solution then you need to work on and resolve your issue.
The line above was a real 180. That will make you a better man.
You need to learn that expressing your love languages to your wife was an appropriate thing to do. You need to be comfortable with who you are and how you express love. You need to teach and learn to improve your love ( NOT NOW.... LATER ) This is a real 180.
You need to realize that your wife dumped you and your family. That it is absolutely absurd for you to be chasing her , when she left you to try another guy out for awhile.
You see you are not doing a 180/LRT because you have not taken the time to address your problems.
You are always available when she calls. You answer her hook R talks. Some are set up to justify her poor choices. Some are set up to determine if your still hanging around in limbo.
Trust me on this. You are doing nothing to push her to the OM. That is all her choices.
He made me do that with being needy... or he made me do that because he did not answer my email.
Same outcome. You had nothing to do with it.
This is how your wife thinks.
If I was you. I would stop with any money payments to her if they are happening.
I would work on communication issues with the IC and work on solutions to rebuild your self esteem and why you felt it was necessary to not have a voice in your marriage. And why the IC feels that this is an appropriate response to being cheated on.
Next R talk about fighting for her to stay I would tell the wife that I will not court you back into the marriage. She quit her job , her marriage , moved 400 miles to break her vows. I will no longer have these R talks with you while you treat me as an option. I am removing myself from this. Good night.
Then I would go dark. Start a parallel path.
Path one would be plan D. I would set this all up.
Path two would be self improvement. Self Esteem. New hobbies. Better shape. Exercise. Join a running club or what ever sport you like. Read , do what ever... GAL ... Get more involved in church. What ever you like to do. Or something you thought about.
I would work with IC on learning communication skills and solution oriented problem solving. Learn how to not be Mr. fix it. I would read MEN self help books and join some of their forums. Communicate with MEN on issues and resolutions.
I would look at my relationship with my wife. Its strenghts and faults. Hers and yours.
I would write them out and see which ones you can work on to make you a better man. This is 180's
I would review her complaints about the marriage , you and determine which are just smoke and which are real. Which are her trying to force you to change and which are ones you should work on to improve yourself as a man.
I would make myself more of a mystery with my wife at this time in the marriage. I would stop meeting her EN's and being an option. I would not make myself available for when she calls. For I would be working on my GAL. So if she calls when I am GAL'ing I would not answer. And send a text later.... Was out , could not respond, what's up?
Emails. I would respond after 24 hours. Some that are not important I would not respond to at all.
I would always start every conversation with her name. And every time I had an important point to say. I would start it with her name.
I would let her truly explore the path she has walked down without any interference.
I would begin to move on from the spot you are in now.
I would address this :
HER PROBLEM = COMPLAINT = YOU CHANGE SOLUTION
HER PROBLEM = COMPLAINT = EA/PA
VS.
HER PROBLEM = COMMUNICATE = YOU COMMUNICATE , OFFER SOLUTION BOTH WORK TO RESOLVE IT.
HER PROBLEM = COMMUNICATE AND OFFER SOLUTION BOTH WORK TO RESOLVE IT.
HER PROBLEM = SHE WORKS TO RESOLVE HER ISSUE
MY PROBLEM = YOU COMMUNICATE , OFFER SOLUTION BOTH WORK TO RESOLVE IT.
MY PROBLEM = I WORKS TO RESOLVE MY ISSUE
I would decide if she is worth being with.
I would always be respectful and polite.
A ton to think over. And you have not given enough info to know you. So think all this over. And respond back with what your thoughts are. Why you think somethings are uncomfortable and why you think some things are comfortable.
This will help you regain your voice. Communicating with others on this site.
Think and then think again.
Formulate your plans and then follow them.
I have offered some good ground work to frame around.
Take your time over the next week to read the stories of those who reply to you. Or go seek out some others and post to them. You need a mixture of voices. Some who have travelled the path you are on. Some who are at the same place.
Then find your voice and communicate here so people can better learn you and help you out of the limbo that you are setting up.
Alkaline, I realize I'm a little late to this dance, but you asked me to read your sitch. I've only got as far as this post here by Chatterbug, but I had to stop and give a
I only give maybe one of those "4 Whistles Awards" a month. This post to you ^^^ was PURE GOLD, and I hope you're following it. I'm about to read the rest of your sitch to get caught up to date . . .
