vera- i'm really interested - how did you use power packaging and what did it mean for you to use and and apply it and how did you interpret what it is about?
isn't is sooooo nice that for once you got a positive response - so something you did worked!!! do you feel that you could really pinpoint exactly what it was so you could repeat it again and again
thought it was really interesting that your perspective on what you expect from h shifted. would you say it shifted before or after you wrote that email and got the positive response?
did you say yes to the visit?
Well, I went back to the emails to see if I could parse what I "did." I would say that I validated his concern about listing the house w/in a certain timeframe and spending money on the reno, and then showed how doing the reno would increase house value and eliminate an inspection issue. I closed by saying that I was trying to work within his request to have the house ready to list w/o delay if I can't finance it. So- combination of pure logic, lack of "me" statements (just the facts) and appealing to his timing and financial interests. No accusations and I deleted the part of my old draft that started with "i really don't appreciate how you ..."
Haha thanks. For being able to cut through the emotional stuff in other situations and in advising other people, sometimes it takes a lot to step back and see how I fall into the same trap, too.
vera i just wanted to come in and say hi. thinking of you ((()))
you are an amazing inspiration
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
Well, I went back to the emails to see if I could parse what I "did." I would say that I validated his concern about listing the house w/in a certain timeframe and spending money on the reno, and then showed how doing the reno would increase house value and eliminate an inspection issue. I closed by saying that I was trying to work within his request to have the house ready to list w/o delay if I can't finance it. So- combination of pure logic, lack of "me" statements (just the facts) and appealing to his timing and financial interests. No accusations and I deleted the part of my old draft that started with "i really don't appreciate how you ..." ____________
Well I think we can all learn from that! That's fantastic advice.
Stbx was here last night. He hung out with some friends in the basement and got some more of his stuff. Around 11 he still hadn't left and I asked when he'd be leaving so I could lock the door and go to bed because it was alway really late. He seemed a little annoyed that I was asking him to leave because he was finally working on the list of stuff to be divided (remember yesterday he said that was "hard" and he didn't have a lot of time to do that, apparently hanging out in the basement was more important). Not my problem. Make the time, D is a lot of work!
Had agreed to "talk" today to start working on an agreement about the house and all of the "stuff" in it. On Friday stbx texted me to ask if I wanted to grab lunch at one of our favorite casual restaurants before the talk. I declined. Yesterday he said he was going to come by and then didn't. I told him to please let me know in the future if he was going to change his plans after telling me he was going to come over. He apologized and said he would.
He came by today and we made some good progress on putting most of our "stuff" in a shared document where we each can indicate whether we're interested in taking whatever. Took about 4 hours (lots of kitchen stuff!) and all that's left now is the basement. It was kind of weird to feel like I was basically making a wedding registry, but in reverse. stbx made a few references to this being a lot of work and, when I was happy to find in one of the cupboards something I'd forgotten I had, said "it's kind of like going shopping in your own house!" .... uh... really?
He also let me know what his expectation is on what would be a "reasonable" settlement. I must have made a semi surprised/amused face because he said "What?" after I did it and I just said "that's interesting." I'd talked with my L about some of this ahead of time and I think stbx will be surprised to find out what's actually reasonable. I won't get into specifics but my L definitely said "the court would look at that and say 'tough $hit'" on some of it.
While this was going on stbx made a reference to how we've both really gotten into shape/lost weight the past few months. I realized much later it could have been an opportunity to validate but I guess I'm not really trying to do that anymore. That said, darn straight I've been getting in shape! I added a few new exercise classes to my routine and they are working fast.
I also calmly, matter-of-factly discussed some logistics about the house - him needing to do more work, be available to do it more, possibility of house not selling right away, what if it doesn't sell, etc. He said how much he was paying in rent and how it would $uck if he had to keep paying for the house as well as his rent. I kind of made a joke that there was an extra bedroom upstairs that he could rent. He said "yeah but there's no bed up there" and I said, I thought you just bought a bed? He replied that he did but he didn't want to have to move it again.
When we were done he asked if I wanted to go grab a bite for dinner. I declined again. He made a reference to going on vacation (AGAIN) soon. This was a trip with his college friends that I'd been invited on earlier (before BD) (BBD, I guess that is). I said, oh, I guess I was disinvited from that, huh? He then indicated that I could go if I wanted to, said "yeah, it'd be fun, you should come" without a trace of sarcasm, said who was going and how much it would be per person. I was kind of thrown off by that so I just said I'd think about it. Realistically a) I can't take the leave from work on such short notice and b) I don't really want to go (with him). But after he left here he forwarded me the updated info on the trip. Yeah.
I'd pulled some stuff out of one of the closets and left it on a suitcase he'd left in the living room for 2 weeks. Then I asked him when he expected to have his stuff out of the house because the process of him moving out had really been dragging on. He said he'd try to get more of it out soon, but he was traveling a lot due to work. Sounds like he still hasn't stepped up on dealing with that issue with his boss.
