The roller coaster continues! This time with no direct input or actions from W, just my brain working overtime.
Yesterday technically was an amazing day for me. At least professionally. I found out that I was just approved for a HUGE raise at work (20% increase in salary!). For a few hours, I was on top of the world. Finally, after years of struggling with $, having to cancel plans constantly due to lack of $, being unable to vacation etc. I am finally making enough to live comfortably.
But all that good news brought about other, not-so-good thoughts. I realized yet another reason (at least a suspected reason) that W struggled in our relationship. Although I almost never asked W to spend less on the things she wanted and would constantly try to get all the little material things that she wanted, that spending always tapped me out to the point that the vacations that we talked about taking always had to be pushed off... A lot of broken "promises" due to the lack of good income... She mentioned quite a few times that although we made big plans... like finally taking our honeymoon, that she never thought they'd happen...
Yet now, I'm in a position that YES, they can happen... however it may be too late.
It also put me into a bit of a rut knowing that I had no one to celebrate this great news with. An image flashed into my mind of coming home to W and letting her know about the raise, her smiling brightly and us finally beginning to plan in earnest for our honeymoon early next year.
Instead, I came home to an empty house, as I have for months now, and only had my dog and cat to "celebrate" with. Sure I called my family to let them know, but there was a huge absence felt all night.
This led to more introspection and over-analyzing of the situation... thoughts about how our conversations have gone lately, realization that in the beginning of our seperation she told me she missed me and loved me, but I haven't heard those words or sentiments in a while... wondering if she's made her decision to move on and is waiting for the perfect time to tell me (or waiting until she has the money to file), wondering if the fact that she's so sweet to me is because of this decision... still wondering if her move to central Florida is her way of testing my dedication and resolve (as she's mentioned in the past on more than a few occasions)...
So these thoughts invaded my mind for much of the night... and now writing them down will hopefully help me to snap out of it. And i'm sure the good people of this board will help as well.
Today's Mantras:
Just because there's no huge signs of forward progress doesn't mean it's not happening.
I can't change her mind any more than I can read it.
I need to keep focusing hard on detaching.
No matter how much I want to, I can't initiate contact.
I still have hope to keep me going through these tough times.
I'm a pretty great person that anyone would be luck to be with, and W knows that... even if she doesn't think she deserves it...
Today, my mental mindset and PMA will be better than yesterday
