To Lovingly Detach

[Arsene]

Thanks again 25. You are right, I seem to be going up and down faster and more often than a highrise elevator.

Get what you can from the friendship but support in standing, isn't coming from this woman...and btw, if your w were discussing the m with some OM who told her not to stand, how would you feel? Think hard about that one.

yes, I realise that and I've learnt my lesson. About my W, it's to total opposite from what she says. Everyone tells her she should come back. Sometimes I think this could actually hurt my sitch, but then again, nothing I can do about this so why worry?

Point is, some women leave and don't come back but there are women HERE who left and came back. It does happen. And I have 2 family members who divorced and remarried their exes, years later. So that happens too. (I read somewhere here, that 15% of couples re-marry but I don't know the source of that data.)

Yes. I know. I'm sure it does happen and I thank you for pointing this out. Someone said (I think it was Jack3b) that if there was 1 chance in 10,000,000, that's the one he'd go for. I just have to remind myself of that.

THIS^^^ IS your answer. Focus on keeping that up. I for one, think women are very moved by how their children interact with their dads. That's something that will be weird with a "blended" family, if she can even conceive of that with OM, there...

so stay on your path. This possibility has always existed. You could also become a great guy and reconcile and then your wife could get hit by a bus and die. So then, would your changes have been "wasted"?

Yes, I know. Again, I need to keep it in mind when I get on the self-pity wagon. I have also thought about the "get hit by a bus and die" possibility and no, my changes are really for me. That is a certainty and I don't question them at all. I would not stop the path I'm on now no matter what. It's just that my hope gets the most of me sometimes and no matter what, right now, I want to get back with my W more than anything. The problem is that this probably shows and probably doesn't help my case. I need to learn to detach in order to protect myself from these thoughts. Ironically, this is what this particular thread was/is about. Detaching lovingly.

the only thing ^^^ here that YOU can control is that last highlighted line.

Don't let her down again. OR your d. And understand, this IS her fear. That you will revert if she returns. You nailed it.

But I have a hard time believing she'd "never" reconsider, if your changes are real and lasting. Not "tactics" to get her back, but genuinely made realizations, leading to changes in behavior and thought processes.

And expressions of love, when the time comes.

Yes. And that is why time is a gift. I realise everyday how no matter how sometimes i think I have changed, there is still a lot of the old me inside. I have to re-write my code, change my habits and habitual responses to situations, and that will take time. I do not want to let her down again if i am given another chance. Of that I am sure. Thanks for you kind, encouraging words.

What does that mean? YOU are raising HER Child? INteresting wording...and since she has more legal rights, seems to me If anything, she can treat you a lot worse than she has been, and yet she's not.

So, what are you saying here?^^

That's me judging her and mind-reading again. I'm helping her raise our child is what it is, really. And I'm not doing it for her. I'm doing it for me and for D8. It's just me (and my frustration)saying that she doesn't seem to really want to raise D8 right now and I feel like the "sucker" who does all the work while she gets her rocks off. Not nice, not true, not productive or even remotely helpful. I hope to write less and less of these wasteful thoughts as the days come and go, but I guess there is still a lot of pain and anger which I need to process. And you always spot these and point them out to me. Thanks for the mirror.

I'll have a look for "Jamie" and "Faithfulhusband" to see if I can find something to give me hope when I feel this way. I've been trying to get through Denver's story but it's a long one, if inspiring and helpful.

You are looking for THE answer. There is no secret to this.

Sorry. If we knew "IT", we'd have made a fortune, or we'd have told the world.

IT's a process, a series of steps, not one trigger to return, (though there definitely can be single triggers to leaving)

Yup. I know. Again just me looking for a shortcut but I know there isn't one. I know it'll take time and I know I can use this time well to make sure that I increase my chance at a happy life, with or without W (preferably with).


I'd veer off those who say their wives returned only after they "showed them a thing or two" (Or are Dobson followers -which is NOT a DB approach) but who only hear his "tough love" sessions and nothing about their own role.

Dobson can be punitive but what fascinates me is that he DOES say "own YOUR stuff" but almost every LBSer who takes that route only hears the part about "teaching the WAS a lesson" and they call it setting a boundary. IT's punitive. They forget all the stuff about their own work and if they can point to a OM/OW, they have NO interest in their own self improvement.

Yes, I agree. I've just finished "Love must be tough" one of the two books I managed to order(the other being DR) and although I can see the value of some of the advice, I also felt it was a bit extreme and a bit too "preachy" for my taste. The LRT or afterLRT of DB is much softer (if similar) and the intent is what makes it more palatable for me. I now wish I'd spend my money on another book but not sure what I need for the time being.

I'll also be looking for "Keep Going". She sounds like an extraordinary woman whose story might help me get back to my backbone.


I like you Arsene. But your patience in this is upsetting b/c you know that it is an issue of yours (impatience) in the marriage and you need to apply it NOW

Stop letting a day or two go by without an encouraging pat on the back and thinking you have to give up. Stretch that time line big time.

Yes, yes, yes!!! You are right! Right now, I've been struggling with the lack of friends in this city. The lack of network. The timing of this really bites. I have no work, no money, very few friends (and because of the holy month of Ramadan they are not around), no home (till the end of the month) and very little opportunity to GAL properly. I'm certain that once we move on with normal everyday life (once the Ramadan/Idul Fitri holiday is over - pool halls, pubs, gyms, swimming pools are closed!!!)and I start working there will be more opportunities to meet people and GAL. This will help me tremendously I'm sure.

Besides, what is giving up? What would it look like? Less time with your d?
Leaving the country?

Other than not dating OW, for now, what is it you are doing "to stand for the m", that you would not be doing anyhow, for you and your d?

Yup. I hear you.


Veer away from punitive types who think shaming your w home will lead to happiness for anyone. Maybe a brief power play but if you divorce, SHE gets your d...
And I think you know the sounds you need to hear and the ones you have to turn off. There are no guarantees here Arsene, except one.

You do control you. So if you make the changes you want and need to make, and become the best man you can be, you will have to leave the results up to the Big Guy, and let it go, while keeping your changes-for you.

Thanks. You must feel like you've told me this a thousand times, and that's because you probably have. I'm a slow student . I'll keep it in mind. Hell, I'll get it tattooed on the back of my hand if I have to. Thanks for your time 25.