I saw part of Oprah on the OWN network the other day and they were talking about how we aren't being true to our souls. This is why many people feel as if something is off or missing. It sounds as if you are, according to them, betraying your soul by not letting yourself be heard. What kind of relationship is it when you can't even talk to your significant other?
Time for big changes my dear.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
I know, time for huge changes but I'm too scared to do it. I love him in so many ways but I shut myself down in order to keep peace.
Honestly, it's not really him that is the problem here. I know it's me. I know that it's not fair of me to be unsatisfied with the way things are when I'm not willing or able to speak up and tell him what I want and need. There is a part of me that just wants to break out and say what it is I want but the rest of me says to shut up and suck it up and keep everyone in their happy place since that is better for the family.
I just can't seem to break through that sick part. It's so frustrating!
He's not a mind reader and, let's face it, he is a man after all. Most of them aren't too in tune to feelings or emotion of any kind. He's especially out of touch with emotion since he was abused as a child. He shuts down faster than I do.
UGH. Why do damaged people gravitate toward each other?
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
He's not a mind reader and, let's face it, he is a man after all. Most of them aren't too in tune to feelings or emotion of any kind. He's especially out of touch with emotion since he was abused as a child. He shuts down faster than I do.
We've been taught only wimps show and acknowledge feeling. Women discuss their feelings frequently, men do not. So, when it's time for the "feeling" talk men are at a distinct disadvantage and will tend to avoid. In military terms, you do not engage the enemy at their strongest point! Now, you say he shuts down faster than you do (because he was abused) so, in order to know that you must have attempted at one time to engage him in some kind of emotional dialogue. Is that so, or are you just rationalizing why you won't say what you need? Hey, it's scary to ask for something cuz you might not get it. Yet, you can't live your life based on fear. You don't have to be fearless, just try to fear less.
Oh, I've done the C...lots and lots...I did finally break through some major barriers I had and have learned to accept things I can not control and let go of the worst of what hurts me. Those were major issues that held me back in more ways than I can explain. I can't afford more C at this point but that's neither here nor there.
Wii, I like what you said. I don't have to be fearless...just fear less. That's nice.
Yes, I've tried to have 'feelings' talks with him in the past and he runs like the wind or says something that will shut me down faster than I could speak. My approach is cautious so that I don't spook him but it doesn't seem to matter.
No, I don't want to live my life being stagnant in my R. I do believe though that no everyone can expect happiness and joy in their lives. Some people are destined for...comfortable. That's me. I would like to get back to comfortable someday soon.
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
You deserve happiness and joy. Why wouldn't you set that as your goal?
Look at me. I thought I had no future in a relationship AT ALL> I have a severely handicapped son who takes up so much of my time and energy. But the RIGHT person was able to see past that. And accepted me for me - warts and all.
If I had settled for me being "comfortable" - I could never have found happiness and joy as I know it.
Perhaps I am reading this wrong but Barb, I don't think they are even at comfortable. It is something she is wanting to get to. Why on earth settle? Why stay with someone who puts their needs above yours? Two broken people do not make one whole person.
Please believe me Mish, you deserve soooo much more.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
That's how I read it too, kat. "Comfortable, clearly you're not".
I don't know what else we can say that will help Mish make the changes she needs to make. THis is just no way to live.
Mish - you had so much determination to have the talk when you got home - but postponing it has only made you lose resolve. Don't hold out for the "perfect" letter or the "perfect" time - there won't be any "right" time. It will always be that one of you is too tired, or it's your birthday or Christmas is coming etc. The only RIGHT and PERFECT time is NOW
What's on your Bucket List??? I made one when H and I first split. And I've been working on it.
Just this past w/e, Josh and I were talking about a new vacation plan. His idea is to go to Sedona (on my Bucket List - I passed up an opportunity to go with my Counselling Group). But in Sedona there is Hot Air Ballooning (on my Bucket List) & also we could go to the Grand Canyon (on my Bucket List). So - how's that for a vacation??? Knock off 3 Bucket List items in one shot.
