Welcome back! I also took time off from the boards - I really needed it. So I understand how you feel.
I am glad to hear about your summer. We are so fortunate to be able to spend this precious time with our little ones. Like you, I get sad when I see families together, but I try to re-focus on the present moment. I look at my kids and just try to stay grateful I get to be with them.
As for issues with H, I am glad you are listening to the advice you are getting. It's so easy to get wrapped up in our own emotions sometimes. I always like it when someone offers me a different interpretation to what I understood. That is why I love these boards!
You and I have so much in common - a lot of the same challenges and issues. I know about triggers and trying to manage and control them too!
You are doing great - you sound more at peace, more centered and more focused on YOU. Congrats and keep it up!
(((bklynMom)))
Me & H: 44 D7, D6, S3 Together: 20y, M: 17y EA: 11/13/10, Sep: 12/23/10 EA becomes PA: Spring 2011 H filed for D: 09/06/12 D Negotiating began 2/15 OW seemingly gone on 3/15 Still negotiating D
Vero - I go to Alanon regualarly. I still dont have a sponser but I am looking. I do have a whole network of Alanon friends that I am able to confide in. I love it and need it. It is my church.
One of the hardest things about this whole sitch is realizing that you cant share this with everyone. My best friend, maid of honor at my wedding, although she knows the whole story her advice is very angry so I cant really talk to her. Because I think my husband has lost his mind she thinks I am in denial. Alanon has given me the tools to know I dont have to tell everyone my story.
Recently I have become very opening about telling everyone even aquiantances that I am separated. Although I hate saying those words it has been quite liberating. After I say we are separated I use my favorite new line "We definitely need to go for a drink soon so I can tell you all about it"
I love my new line. It gives me a comfortable way not to share details with anyone since I am never going to follow up on the drinks
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
Thks labug - I sometimes pretend I am going to turn this trauma into a stand up routine ala 25.
Most days are going great. I am back to work until December. Girls are getting ready for a busy fall schedule. It will be hard for them because I will be working more but I am making sure to make it as easy as possible for all of us.
I will have someone clean the house for me once a week. The babysitter will make dinners for the weekends too. When in doubt I will take the simplier path.
Today was a bit hard emotionally. H has the girls for the weekend after they have been with me for almost 2 weeks. Its hard saying bye to my babies even if I know they are safe and okay and with each other, there is just something about it that gets me.
I think I am also a little fragile because I have been reflecting that Labor Day (or 2 days after) was the last time I yelled or fought in any way with my H. Its been 1 yr of serious DBing and thus far it has not brought us closer to R.
Bums me out.
I remind myself, that faith is believing in something that you cant see or prove.
I have faith that DBing and all my self improvement stuff is working...............
BUT damn it I need results now!! ugh!!
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
Hang in there! I know exactly how you feel when you have to say goodbye to your little ones... I wished you didn't have to experience that.
I see a lot of good things going on for you lately! First I want to congratulate you on being more open and telling people about being separated. I have followed your sitch for a while and I remember how you used to struggle with this. And look at you now! You got over that fear and you mention it in your previous post towards the end, like something you have been doing for a long time and that is no big deal for you. That is what I call progress and I am so happy for you!
It looks like you will have a busy Fall, but you have made some really smart decisions. Having someone to come help clean once a week is HUGE and will make such a difference in your every day life! Same thing for adding more cooking to the babysitter's duties. I love to come home and not have to plan meals or actually do them - LOL... So good for you!
As for your coming anniversary - try to shift your focus. Instead of seeing it as a milestone that has thus far not brought you closer to R, it is actually a milestone of how much you have grown and how far you have come. Seriously - if someone had told you a couple of years ago that you would go a whole year without arguing with your H, would you have believed that person? So get some PMA and pat yourself in the back because you deserve it!!!
(((hugs)))
Me & H: 44 D7, D6, S3 Together: 20y, M: 17y EA: 11/13/10, Sep: 12/23/10 EA becomes PA: Spring 2011 H filed for D: 09/06/12 D Negotiating began 2/15 OW seemingly gone on 3/15 Still negotiating D
KG, thks for reminding me that I have come a long way. I also like your way of thinking of this milestone more in terms of myself then about him.
It has also helped me a lot to know that saying bye to my kids every other weekend IS hard. That it is perfectly normal and reasonable for me to be upset when I say bye to them. It also normal and reasonable to miss them. Sometimes I get advice from separated/divorce woman that tell me how freeing it is when the kids go away for the weekend and I definitely get that on a certain level but it really helps to have my over whelming feeling of sadness validated.
Also kg I think we are in the same industry from what I have read in your posts. I prefer not to discuss it here but wanted to mention it to you. Back to one.
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
I echo KG's words. Congrats on a year of no serious conflict with your h?? Wow, that's excellent.
You would be much worse off if the conflicts continued as before, or escalated, so I'm positive you have gotten some "results" already.
I hear you about the downside of being without the kids. That IS normal. Of course there's an upside to it and when you are ready, you can embrace that freedom and all.
Thank GOD you hired a housecleaner. Brilliant simple move that reduces conflict in our home by at least half.
(What's money for if not that??)
Congrats on the progress. Have faith. Sometimes you have to believe in something you cannot see...
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
25 - thk you for your validation. It means the world that you think I am headed in the right direction. I am thrilled that you posted to my thread. I can never be reminded enough to have faith.
The thing that has been coming up for me today has been the topic of anger and how to deal with it. My H and I never really spoke honestly to each other about our feelings; we both keep our resentments buried inside.
We never had the conversation that I had with my other boyfriends where with both cried and talked about why our parents/bother/sister/grandma whoever did us wrong. We didnt want to dwell in the past or whine.
If H did something that pi$$ed me off, I would act passive aggressively annoyed rather than have a conversation about it. My H only on rare occasions told me he was annoyed by me. On those rare occasions I would tell him to quit whinning about something so insignificant. I never listened to his feelings when he did open up and I never shared my feelings or concerns in any constructive way.
That is why its important for me to write out why I am angry with my H in a non rant. Its important for me to validate my feelings and not berate myself into thinking having feelings is wrong. And convince myself that I have no reason to be angry.
Its okay for me to be angry but I need to work through that anger and move forward celebrating all that I have to be grateful for.
I am mad at my H because:
1. He never expressed his unhappiness and never gave me a chance to change. Because we are married he committed to me to have a more honest and upfront conversation about his feelings then for me to read between the lines and sense his unhappiness even as he was telling me he loved me.
2. He is choosing not to give his daughters the best life possible, a home with 2 parents. It saddens me so greatly that my children will not be able to jump in a bed shared by their mommy and daddy.
When I think about how he is choosing not to give his kids everything they deserve it hurts inside. It hurts that he truly believes that I am so awful that he would rather only see his kids half the time then to even attempt to work things out with me.
3.He blames this split 100% on me. He takes no responsiblity in his actions. He doesnt admit to having a emotional affair with OW. I may never know if it became physical but I do know he cried on her couch several nights. I feel like he blamed me for being a b!tch but the truth is he just wanted to get it on with another chick and cant even admit to himself thats what he was doing.
wow! it feels good to write this out. Sorry if I sound whinny. I have a fear of being a whiner but then I hold on to things so tight until I explode into a rage. It feels good to write about this stuff when I am not flying off the handle.
Doing my best to stay busy this weekend without my girls but most importantly go easy on myself.
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
