My H has been home all day and I managed to keep myself busy with everything else except him.
He is content doing some of his hobbies he used to do pre MLC, that along with his new words, laughter, reaching out to the kids, it's as if he is peeking out of his tunnel.
I take the good, without expectation, as it help me to continue on my journey because I'm not brought down, or being let down. I know I shouldn't let how he's acting (when it's bad) get me down but it can, so I take the good...no questions asked.
I don't seem to have the plague any more...it's been a few months since we even laid back to back touching. We have been flirting lately....laughing, even hugging.
Again, I am not reading anything into this...im just coasting. I still need to decide if this is even where I want to be in the end. My M is worth the try, my H is my first priority but he CAN NOT just walk into my life with out resolve, without forgiveness, and without commitment to me, us, our M, everything!
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
Yes Cadet- I have to remember that every minute of my day or I can easily get caught in his spokes.
KD wrote - "A MLCer's underlying motivation is what they feel is their very survival". These are words to live by, burn into my memory. These words help me when he's being narcissistic, alone, even angry, because I then don't react understanding that he is feeling his way for himself.
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
this morning my H is "asking, me" for help with his new realization that he's "not" young and getting more unhealthy.
H is very much in male menopause, loosing his muscle mass steadily, no libido, ED, and has made his life worse w/smoking. the anger over the last yr has seemed to settle into his spine creating shoulder, arm, and lower lumbar issues he can no longer deal with.
He is asking me to get him testosterone, find him easier work, giving me his greif (sadly, not in anger) of how he didn't make it, there isn't enough time in life, he's such a failure....blah blah!
What do I do? I tried helping in the beginning, yes I understand that was not in his time, and not by his request. So does this time make a difference because hes coming to me. Obviously, i don't jump in full force and take over, do I guide, give him the number to the doctor (he wont call), just listen kindly?
I could really use some advise with this, this stage is so wishy washy, so come and go, I can dont want to be sucked into something, manipulated, but I don't want to ignore him as this may be genuine.
I will be here all day, reading and rereading.
I actually resent this a little, like now I'm useful again, now that your defeated and you see me strong you some of that for yourself. AAAHHH!
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
DM, I suspect you will get the "not your problem" responses so I will put in my $0.02.
Now is the time... that he is ASKING for help... that you COULD support him in getting his OWN help.
ie. Ask him what he needs your support in. If he asks you to do something FOR him (that he could do himself), kindly remind him that you DO support him AND he will have to do this for himself unless it is something he very much can not do.
oh my. i was in this sitch for a long, long time. it was very hard to determine the difference between support and taking over all responsibility of his depression. i spent YEARS caring for h, taking all responsibility for his illness, making appointments, listening to him rant and rave, having to be his therapist, taking him into the doctor's, making sure he was taking his medication, blah blah blah. honestly, it is exhausting and it will suck you down into a depression, too. h resented me greatly when i finally told him that i could support him, but i couldn't be his therapist or be responsible for his illness, he had to take control of it and be responsible for his own health.
it was probably one of the hardest things i've ever done. at the time, h was actively suicidal and one phone call away from being hospitalized. it was terrifying, but i felt like i was dying, too. when i made him take responsibility for his own health, it was a huge weight off my shoulders.
i would do what kd suggested. asked him to be specific in what he wants from you. does he want you to make the appointment? does he want you to suggest a doctor or therapist? does he want you to do everything, including scheduling the appointments and driving him there? you need to set your own boundaries for how much or little you can do. but don't try to do anything. he has to fix this for himself. he has to take ownership of his illness and treatment.
i suffer from stage 3 liver disease unrelated to hepatitis or drinking (i always say i have the liver of an alcoholic, but without any of the fun, so it's not like it was worth the party). while h would occasionally go to appointments with me, it was my responsibility to eat right, make the appointments, do my blood work, manage my health, sleep and diet and care for myself. it made me realize that his depression is no different.
M:29 H:30 M:2.5 years T:13 years No kids EA:11/2011 PA:01/2012 Bomb:02/2012 H starting another EA, I had enough and we seperate: 03/08/2012 Trying to decide what I want for a change...
this morning my H is "asking, me" for help with his new realization that he's "not" young and getting more unhealthy.
H is very much in male menopause, loosing his muscle mass steadily, no libido, ED, and has made his life worse w/smoking. the anger over the last yr has seemed to settle into his spine creating shoulder, arm, and lower lumbar issues he can no longer deal with.
He is asking me to get him testosterone, find him easier work, giving me his greif (sadly, not in anger) of how he didn't make it, there isn't enough time in life, he's such a failure....blah blah!
What do I do? I tried helping in the beginning, yes I understand that was not in his time, and not by his request. So does this time make a difference because hes coming to me. Obviously, i don't jump in full force and take over, do I guide, give him the number to the doctor (he wont call), just listen kindly?
I could really use some advise with this, this stage is so wishy washy, so come and go, I can dont want to be sucked into something, manipulated, but I don't want to ignore him as this may be genuine.
I will be here all day, reading and rereading.
I actually resent this a little, like now I'm useful again, now that your defeated and you see me strong you some of that for yourself. AAAHHH!
It'll help his "testosterone" to have a proper male/female interaction. I mean some supplication, a few kind words and physical affirmations over time will add up to him feeling alot better about himself. Why not?
and I want to stress the following (I remember about it this morning and this is a great place to state it):
IGNORE bad behaviour AND PRAISE AND ENCOURAGE good behaviour.
It DOES NOT MATTER at this time WHAT the bad behaviour is. IGNORE IT.
If you can not see obvious GOOD behaviour, seek it out in him. When you see it, compliment him on it or otherwise support that behaviour. IT MUST BE REAL AND GENUINE.
you have exactly described what I am trying to avoid. I dive in full force to take care of someone (especially H). I like the idea of just letting him handle most of what he may be looking for, as I am still in my own recovery from the last 14 months.
the good thing is I don't even really want to be involved. Almost like when you send something in for repair and it just comes back fixed.
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
