I'm new and introducing myself. I asked my wife to leave Tuesday morning after I discovered evidence of an affair. I'm reading the Divorce Remedy now and it really does help a lot, my question would be is it a good idea for her to read this book as well? I can get it to her and I know she would probably be receptive to it.
Ok, I'm seeing something here that perplexes me. You don't pursue, got that. No problem. How do you know then when it's the right opportunity to talk reconciliation then? Is it up to the spouse to bring it up? Do you just have to know? What are the signs that you know?
There seems to be a fine line of asking for what you want and not pursuing, I'm just asking where is that line?
How do you know then when it's the right opportunity to talk reconciliation then? Is it up to the spouse to bring it up? Do you just have to know? What are the signs that you know?
There seems to be a fine line of asking for what you want and not pursuing, I'm just asking where is that line?
Notice I said to believe NONE of what is said and half of what is done.
You will know it is time when the actions tell you. Not the words.
When you hear true remorse, not just guilt.
I will just say that you will know, there will not be doubt.
Sounds like you are not up to that yet. What do you think?
Married in November 2009. We started our relationship with crisis after crisis, literally from a strike at my job, to emotional problems with her oldest daughter which have mostly gone away thank God above, to the death of my dad, the near death of hers, my working two jobs to get her through college and mostly being a single income family where she felt trapped in a house she hates, literally.
I found evidence of an emotional affair on her phone and kicked her out that minute, a couple of weeks prior she had been talking about leaving. Made sense after I found out. But we had communication problems, lots of them. She said I rarely talked to her and that she had big expectations for our marriage that I never knew about, although she said she told them to me time and time again.
I've done some insensitive things, no doubt about it, but I didn't realize they were at the time. Had no idea until she brings them up in discussions much later.
So today we've been separated two weeks. I have my first coaching session with Chuck tonight. I've read DB and a laundry list of other books. My counselor has been a big help, she is seeing a psychologist, she told me she's practically begged him to tell her how to fall in love again but he has been less than helpful in that regard.
This week I have my D16, adopted by me. She texted me that D was at my house, so I texted back thanks and if she had groceries for supper tonight. She said she did and had a little child support money left until payday. Then she texted me that I confuse her and she doesn't know what I want.
One of my wife's complaints about me is that she feels that she doesn't know much about me. That I never share personal stuff with her like my favorite Christmas or future dreams, childhood memories, things like that.
So essentially not talking to her is what she expects from me, not pursuing her is exactly what she expects. Pursuing her is the exact 180 of that.
Now tell me, does that jibe with DR? I didn't read that scenario covered in the book at all.
She and I had a long discussion last night. She was actually driving to her boyfriend's house and I called her on it. We talked, yelled, and argued about it.
Finally she turned around and drove back half way there.
I told her I am working hard on being a better husband, I am truly too. My counselor and I are working through my communication problems. My wife said that being separated is identical to being married to me, she's alone and not having sex. She said she wants to be desired, talked to, understood, and that I treated her like a piece of furniture or a possession. All true but I didn't realize that was what I was doing.
She and I have been through hell since before we were married and bad event after bad event has befallen us. It's taken it's toll on us and me. I wasn't equipped for anything that we went through. We had so many medical bills I had to take another job to make ends meet, she had a hard time finding a job but in February she did get a job, a decent job too. We were finally making headway on getting everything paid off too when this happened.
She said she doesn't feel married to me so why should she care about what I want. She says I'm a great dad and want me involved that way and she wants us to be friendly but she doesn't want to reconcile with me. Our separation will be three weeks tomorrow, Tuesday the 4th of September.
The thing is that I don't know what short term goals apply here. She says she's numb and doesn't feel anything anymore.
You are in a bad situation. Everyone who comes here is in a bad situation. However, we have seen some M saved. It takes times, and it takes work.......work from the LBS! The WAS does't have any desire to work on the M. I don't say this to cause you more frustation but to open your eyes wider. Don't expect R to come right away. Don't expect to solve your M problems with discussions. It just won't work.
To make things worse.....she has a boyfriend. Do you know if the A has gone physical? Would it be a dealbreaker if it has? An EA is serious for women. She has him in her thoughts and she's built a fantasy around him and how wondeful a future would be with him.
So, if you want to save the M, you need to work really hard on yourself. She will need to see the man she fell in love with and desire to be with him.
You asked her to leave, but apparently, she doesn't care that she's not with you. I do not think pursuing her is the right thing. It makes no difference if she expects you not to pursue......that is not where you need to do opposite.
You see, a lot of people come here and want to hear us say that it's okay to do (whatever they're trying to convince us about), but it's b/c you want to hear it so badly. Truth is, you got mad and kicked her out and now you wished you hadn't.
I can tell you that the number one thing that turns a WAW off is for her H to try to pressure her about their R. Leave her alone and work on yourself. You are not attractive to her. She has lost her desire for you. Chasing her will only make it worse.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
