You've asked me that question several times and I can't make it stick. There are different levels of severity to MLC and I don't know where my W fits in on that. Perhaps it's some deep curiosity that keeps me here watching and listening to her in hopes of finally getting the right level of diagnosis.
My W is strong, but like many strong people, once you crack that outer shell, there's a child still living inside that doesn't know what to do. I've seen it in me too, so maybe in a way I'm trying to figure myself out by watching her fire burn. I'll get out of the fire eventually because I don't like sharing it. I don't like talking to someone right next to me and I don't even look at her once, such as what happened yesterday. We spoke some, I didn't shake, but I made no effort to add her to the conversation when someone started talking to me. Strange, but I see where I've been for the past 2 years, sitting on the outside of her conversations and ignoring me. I could see her in the corner of my eye and that she was looking at me. I felt no guilt and no desire to include her. I don't feel bad about it now either, but I know I don't want it to be this way. We parted ways in the parking lot and I made no effort to say goodbye ( neither did she ).
The frustration is still there, still taking over. I smiled during the conversation with the other person, I do that a lot. I don't smile when talking to my W. I don't like this one bit. She called later in the evening about S12's homework. We didn't do it Friday evening so that was my fault that he was doing it Sunday when he should have been going to bed. He was supposed to put some stuff together about himself and my W was looking for idea's for the Family and Friends categories. Seeing as how her blossoming life with the EA/OM has taken front and center, I wasn't about to suggest getting something that showed a friendship with his son. Admittedly, I was un-nerved about the Family category. We're not a family anymore, we're two family units. I couldn't think of anything "family" and told her to have him draw a picture of his grandparents. My W got a great laugh out of that and that's when I felt like things were normal between us, but I'm in no mood for normal between us right now. It feels very shallow and passes quickly and I realized I was smiling when I was talking on the phone with her and stopped it.
I'm not mean to her....arguably. I don't frown or raise my voice or accuse her. I only stop and listen and offer no opinion unless she specifically asks for one. My actions are, in my opinion, not very nice with the darkness, the indifference and the ignoring. These aren't my best qualities, but right now they come to the surface very easy to put on display. I'm worried about this because this is part of my history -> force things away until they go away.
I struggle with fighting for someone who hates me for it and not fighting for someone who doesn't realize I'm worth fighting for too. Even if I do meet someone, I'll still be this way towards my W until I can figure out how to deal with it. I just don't know how right now and not trying hard to figure it out is not my way.
