Fighting between faith & reality

[AJM]

That RT, was a great post.

I think what you feel is a protectiveness of your kids, if I read that correctly. It seems natural to me to be that way. I know I was for a very long time. Still am at times. Why? Because the kids, no matter what else happens, do not deserve what they got. As a father, we protect our kids and this, to me, feels like a time to protect them. Gets my parental instincts going.

I've faced that many times with my ex. MLC or not, there is no excuse for treating a child in the way they do.

But like you I am very grateful for the opportunity to be tested and to be there for my kids in a meaningful way.

Stay focused on being the kids' father. The rest will work itself out...

AJ

[TSquared2]

Hi RT,

Your last posts have clarified things for me, I get where you are coming from better, especially regarding the frustration regarding telling W you real feelings. I really like this question:

I often question if the Acceptance I'm looking for is of me and not my situation.

My answer is "both"...accepting yourself, AND your situation. Look up the Stockdale paradox.

Oh, and the acceptance thing is an ongoing process, at least for me. Always can find something to fine tune.

It's okay to hate what your W is putting the kids through, and maybe that is an area where you can tell her your real thoughts and feelings...when the time is right. In my sitch, W was pushing on the line bordering emotional abuse with one of our kids, so I did confront her on it, and left with the child for a couple of hours, leaving her alone with this reality(the other kids were at friends houses)...that the kids came first, and as she was bumping up against the emotional abuse line, that I would remove the kids from her outbursts, etc, until she gained control of herself. She could keep trying it with me, I'm an adult, but the kids would not be put through it...period, "whatever" it took to ensure that they weren't.

This was REALLY tough for me, as W had been abused as a kid, and emotionally abandoned, so I had a pretty good idea the impact of saying and doing this would have. I hated having to say that to her, hated that she was doing what she was, BUT, the kids come first...

I always said of W that everyone should really pay attention when her Mama Bear got activated...well, there is a Papa Bear in the house as well.

And I do hate the bullying behavior of mlc'ers, hate the behavior and try not to hate the person doing the behavior, tough as it can be sometimes.

I think you are doing awesome with your sons through this!

T^2

[RoofTop]

Fascinating stuff that Stockdale Paradox...

I never lost faith in the end of the story, I never doubted not only that I would get out, but also that I would prevail in the end and turn the experience into the defining event of my life, which, in retrospect, I would not trade

I tried to put deadlines on things a long while back. In my various attempts to find solace with my situation, I saw that "sometimes" setting internal deadlines helps you reach detachment when the mark comes and goes. It never felt right to me. I think it works for a lot of people, but for me it felt hollow, kind of like writing my anger down in a letter and mailing it myself. It was worth a shot, but in the end I never tore the letter up. It remains sealed and delivered to me, but I think its destruction has to wait until I'm passed the hurt. The act of tearing up that letter would serve me better as a conclusion and not an attempt to 'find' that conclusion.

You must never confuse faith that you will prevail in the end.......with the discipline to confront the most brutal facts of your current reality....

Same as what everyone here is telling me, it's all plain as day. But seeing and hearing are different than believing. I know it's right, but I don't know what it's going to take to accept it.

[RoofTop]

Forgot to add....

My W isn't so much mean towards the kids, she's just incapable of hearing them. She knows she made the right decision because she has the freedom to explore her personal needs. After all, if she feels good about the decision, the kids will see it her way in no time flat. And being MLC, she's a bit immature right now so it's all about what she wants. S12 has made it very clear that that's exactly what he sees in his mom and I agreed with him and his observation.

I get that she doesn't want to come back to a "structured" life of rules and responsibilities. The fact of the matter is is that it "seems" it's only after the MLC-er realizes that that reality hasn't changed, only its surroundings, that's when they begin to question their decision process and the decisions they've made.

She's out of prison now, but she doesn't even realize she's checked into a new one. My belief in my situation is that by just leaving her be to do as she deems fitting, she will come to see what it is she left behind. When the honeymoon wears off and she can't understand/remember why she's still angry, only that I've done little or nothing to feed it, she will see her kids again.

That's where I see her leaving MLC eventually. The kids. When reality catches up to her and she sees the kids, they will be the first to show/tell her. It won't be me and I may very well have moved on in my own right. But I will not be the one that she sees when she opens her eyes and ears. The journey will be hard on her and she and I will not see each other unless she's paid her dues to her children and perhaps to her family too.

This is the feeling I can't shake and I probably place more blame on it than I should for not being able to detach.

[AJM]

What if she doesn't RT? What if she doesn't "wake up"?

I know mine told me to "wake up" several times. Not sure she was talking to me at those times.

I stopped listening as it wasn't relevant. Just like the name calling and anger etc.

But what if they don't wake up? Are you going to be in limbo for ever? Is it possible to detach and believe she might one day "wake up" and try to repair damage? Many do but many don't as well. Others may "wake up" and never try to do anything to repair it instead running from that shame.

Personally, I had to face that and realized since it's not about me and since she wanted so badly to run from me and to blame me, that no matter what happens there is no longer any connection. There just isn't. While I hope the best for her, I am not hanging around to see what happens any longer. I think it was a morbid fascination for a while as well, with me. Like watching a train wreck in slow motion - just couldn't look away for a while.

Now I'm at a point where I wish her well. I've been there for a while. I do, but in the same way I wish the postman well. I am not interested in seeing or hearing about it. I just know that I don't wish her any ill will and don't wish what she went through on anyone. I'm truly happy for her even if she still goes out of her way to keep the anger fires burning

Cheers,

AJ

[RoofTop]

You've asked me that question several times and I can't make it stick. There are different levels of severity to MLC and I don't know where my W fits in on that. Perhaps it's some deep curiosity that keeps me here watching and listening to her in hopes of finally getting the right level of diagnosis.

My W is strong, but like many strong people, once you crack that outer shell, there's a child still living inside that doesn't know what to do. I've seen it in me too, so maybe in a way I'm trying to figure myself out by watching her fire burn. I'll get out of the fire eventually because I don't like sharing it. I don't like talking to someone right next to me and I don't even look at her once, such as what happened yesterday. We spoke some, I didn't shake, but I made no effort to add her to the conversation when someone started talking to me. Strange, but I see where I've been for the past 2 years, sitting on the outside of her conversations and ignoring me. I could see her in the corner of my eye and that she was looking at me. I felt no guilt and no desire to include her. I don't feel bad about it now either, but I know I don't want it to be this way. We parted ways in the parking lot and I made no effort to say goodbye ( neither did she ).

The frustration is still there, still taking over. I smiled during the conversation with the other person, I do that a lot. I don't smile when talking to my W. I don't like this one bit. She called later in the evening about S12's homework. We didn't do it Friday evening so that was my fault that he was doing it Sunday when he should have been going to bed. He was supposed to put some stuff together about himself and my W was looking for idea's for the Family and Friends categories. Seeing as how her blossoming life with the EA/OM has taken front and center, I wasn't about to suggest getting something that showed a friendship with his son. Admittedly, I was un-nerved about the Family category. We're not a family anymore, we're two family units. I couldn't think of anything "family" and told her to have him draw a picture of his grandparents. My W got a great laugh out of that and that's when I felt like things were normal between us, but I'm in no mood for normal between us right now. It feels very shallow and passes quickly and I realized I was smiling when I was talking on the phone with her and stopped it.

I'm not mean to her....arguably. I don't frown or raise my voice or accuse her. I only stop and listen and offer no opinion unless she specifically asks for one. My actions are, in my opinion, not very nice with the darkness, the indifference and the ignoring. These aren't my best qualities, but right now they come to the surface very easy to put on display. I'm worried about this because this is part of my history -> force things away until they go away.

I struggle with fighting for someone who hates me for it and not fighting for someone who doesn't realize I'm worth fighting for too. Even if I do meet someone, I'll still be this way towards my W until I can figure out how to deal with it. I just don't know how right now and not trying hard to figure it out is not my way.

Eh....

[AJM]

I struggle with fighting for someone who hates me for it and not fighting for someone who doesn't realize I'm worth fighting for too. Even if I do meet someone, I'll still be this way towards my W until I can figure out how to deal with it. I just don't know how right now and not trying hard to figure it out is not my way

Ok. I suspect you will do it this way. At least until it doesn't work for you and you are satisfied it doesn't work for you. Unless of course it does, right ?

I hear ya. You have a lot of new experiences to...experience that you didn't expect. It can be very overwhelming. The things you notice that you didn't need to notice before. The things you have to do now that you didn't even want to consider doing before. What it does to your family, your kids, to you.

You describe things almost as if there is a bright shiny world on the table, with one black spot on the table cloth (your W) and you are looking at it like you Maitre'd that wants his restaraunt perfect. Perhaps with curiousity and disdain but also an aloofness.

That's how it sounds at any rate.

But then again, you are still figuring out how to live life without wondering any longer what she is going to do. If it were me, I would have been holding my breath for so long, it might be hard to unwind, if that makes sense. But at this point it is now time to start dealing with issues that you put on hold for so long. To change direction vs. where you were heading before.

It takes time. It takes time because you need time to face the different situations. They also need time to come up.

Seems reasonable to me although I think you have more to go and will be dealing with them for a while. I'm glad you're not trying to force anything any longer...

AJ