Good day! This is my first post on any forum, ever!
Let me introduce myself and share a bit of my story: Me - In process of being a "reformed" WAW age 36 Him - age 45 and unfortunately, has new girlfriend We were together 8.5 years and I moved out on what would have been our 7th anniversary: Jan 1 2012 No children
I first told him I was unhappy with our relationship in Nov 2010. After he asked and I'm not sure I would have ever told him. I was already thinking about leaving and wasn't sure how or when I would tell him. It always seemed like there was a reason NOT to...
I attempted to leave once in June 2011, I even got my own car. However, we decided to try to work things out - but unfortunately, without any professional help.
And then I decided to "walk away" Dec 11, 2011 and I moved out a few weeks later.
At first I said I needed a break, I couldn't see anything but the "fog" anymore. We were living two very separate lives. Sharing a bed, but not a life and definitely not a marriage.
8 months have gone by since that time - he has asked at least twice if I would change my mind. The first time, I replied that I wasn't sure yet. And second time, I still wasn't sure, but I knew I couldn't let him wait for me any longer. I had to let him go. It wasn't fair to keep him in the wings...and I knew I wasn't ready for what he wanted.
Well, he got the closure he needed and quickly found himself in a new relationship. Nothing he planned, it just happened as soon as he got the closure he needed.
Ironically, it was while he was exploring his new relationship that I started to clear some of my "fog". I was alone - really alone - on vacation and had lots of time to think, reflect and explore my feelings.
I didn't know about his new relationship at first. But I quickly figured it out (Facebook is a funny thing) then he told me about a week or so later. I was truly happy for him! All I ever wanted in all our time together was for him to be happy!
Then there was a message back & forth about stuff for the house we still own but was for sale. In the message I asked if the new gf would be going away with him on an upcoming trip. I didn't want to ask, but at the same time I needed to know. He wondered where this question was coming from as I clearly wasn't interested in him anymore...
And during this trip, I noticed that I was starting to feel really sad. I figured it was because he was on a trip that we had planned to do together (BTW: he was on his own) and all I wanted in the world at that point was to be with him. It had nothing to do with his new gf, because she didn't go, just an overwhelming sense of "what did I give up?"
It was at this point that I decided to see a C. She thought my feelings were based on seeing too much (from Facebook) and suggested I block him so I didn't see anything anymore, then re-evaluate in 4-6 weeks.
There were other things that happened too. We finally sat down to talk to each other, for the first time since January. It was so nice to see him, to be able to talk and not have an argument. And he seemed so strong, confident and just like the guy I met so many years ago. He really seemed happy, so I decided to be happy for him too. I even gave him some advice on what he should do to keep these great feelings 'alive' in his new relationship.
But then he reached out to see if I was OK, because he sensed some regret from me during our visit. I tried to convince him, and myself, that it wasn’t regret of leaving, but of not trying harder, earlier. I was still happy for him.
I also couldn’t escape the feeling that too much damage had been done. Too many people were hurt and it would be impossible to try again. His family would disown him! This kept me constantly pushing my feelings aside and wishing him nothing but the best.
Well, I did block him on Facebook, but we still communicated a bit by email. There was some family stuff going on from my side & we always chatted once a month about the house. It felt like we were finally going to be able to be friends again.
Then, not long after, I learned he had visited my Grammy in the hospital. I happened to visit her the day after he did. She and I actually argued about whether or not he would take me back if I asked. She thought he would and I was sure he wouldn’t. I was getting myself ready for the day he was going to ask for a D because he wanted to marry the new gf. But my Grammy was sure I was wrong and it got me thinking...what IF I really wanted him back? Is it possible to start over? I mean no one DID anything wrong (no abuse or cheating). What if??
I kept that thought to myself for a long while. I really didn’t want to interfere with his new relationship. Especially because during our visit, I shared (overshared) that I had a fantasy that we would meet up in a few years, both be single, and find our way back to each other. I really didn’t mean this as reality, hope or a signal for him to wait for me! It was just something I had considered when I thought about the future.
We were emailing back & forth about some of our issues from the past & some things of today. We both have the theory that we can’t change the past, only do better tomorrow. He expressed some regret about wishing we could have done better together and I comforted him in knowing that we were – but as friends. All the while I was wondering if my Grammy was right!
We ended up chatting on the phone one evening, supposed to be about stuff about the house. And I decided to tell him about this conversation with my Grammy. I needed to know if she was right – for me and for him - for us!
Through all our messages and emails I was feeling like I was falling back in love with him. I missed our life; and for once I could only remember all the good stuff. All the bad stuff was disappearing. I kept pushing him towards the new gf, but only because I thought he deserved better than me.
We continued messaging through emails, but I couldn’t take anymore of the what could’ve/might’ve been conversations. It was driving me nuts because I couldn’t ever ask him to choose. He deserved to be happy and I wasn't ready to be what he needed.
In the meantime, I spoke with some friends about my doubts and second thoughts. Not one was surprised about the news; just surprised that it took me so long! Sure wish one of them would’ve kicked me in the butt 3 months ago!
Well, we spoke on the phone a few more times since and we’ve met twice again in person. And the last time we met, it was because I was finally ready to put it all out there. After much soul searching and conversations with trusted friends, I am ready to do the work to get us back.
Not to the old us, to the potential US that was always there. We are smarter now, stronger now – we will not repeat the mistakes of our past. And if something goes wrong or something new comes our way, we will work together to get through it. We will go to MC and we will make it work. I miss him, I miss us!
He is really confused about my change of heart. And I understand that. And he has some trust issues with what I say – I understand that too. I tell him that I can only show him that I mean it, if he’s willing to take a chance.
Of course, he would have to end his new relationship to give us the opportunity to make our marriage work. And he doesn’t want to hurt her or potentially lose a relationship that could be better than ours would ever be…
I am ready to live with the consequences of my choices and actions, but it doesn't mean I want to. That's what it comes down to! I am OK alone, I will eventually be ready to move on and will be happy for him, no matter what.
He’s asked for space to let this all settle. Which he’ll get. I can’t message him any more because I need him to come to this decision on his own. And it hurts too much to hear that he “doesn’t know”. I now feel so bad for all the times I said that I 'didn't know'.
The only problem I have with all this is he will still see the gf. I guess that’s fair, I chose this path, so I will be patient and hope that he can see that I really am truly sorry. I am stronger now than I have ever been before and I will choose him over anything that life may throw in our way in the future.
He is seeing his C tomorrow and I see mine again next week. Here’s hoping that they can help us find our way back to each other!
Long story but glad to get it all out. I'm sure I left out some important things, but just am typing away trying to let it flow.
Hey Mandy, I am very new here but your story touches my heart. I am on the opposite side of your story but our situations are very similar. I am only one week in though. My W is now a WAW. We have been together for 8 years and I love her more than life itself! I have lost myself in the last 2-3 years, I lost a great job and then I got lazy. I stopped being "a man". I wasn't supportive, and I wasn't "there" for her.
I knew a month before she left that I was in big trouble, I had let things get way beyond critical. I knew immediately that I needed to step up, get a second job, and change my NEGATIVE attitude. I didnt share my feelings of embarrassment and shame with her, I kept it bottled, I just wanted to fix everything and make the pain go away. HUGE mistake, I didnt know she had already disconnected and been planning to walk away.
As much as I am to blame for this though, I believe I DESERVE a second chance, I am solely committed to making her happy and being there for her for the rest of her live. I cherish and adore her. And right now she needs space and it feels like she is toying with my emotions. I have been GAL, working out, lost 15lbs, have a new second job. But I have had to start the LRT. There was no cheating or abuse from me. I got negative and stopped being her refuge and rock. But I DESERVE a second chance to prove my love and devotion to her and I am not going sit around and justify her decision to stay away from me by reciprocating the "Good morning, have a great day!" and "Good night, sweet dreams :)" texts. As much as it crushes my heart to do this, she knows that she has my heart and I need her to CHOOSE ME!
Sorry for rambling. I hope that my situation never gets to 8 months like yours. I have been through a D before. I know she is that one that I was destined to be with forever, she has everything I was ever looking for in a W.
A lot of things can and do happen in 8 months, wounds scar over. That the body's way of protecting itself for the future.
I would say if you truly believe you are meant for each other and you believe you can reciprocate each others true needs and love, don't give up. If you had any kind of R like my W and I had then its worth fighting for and he will recognize that if he feels the same way. Falling for another woman is easy after seperation, men with a strong emotional side crave the comfort of a caring woman and have a lot to offer because they know exactly what they screwed up before. But that doesn't fill the void of TRUE love. If you had it once, he will want it back just like you do.
Like I said I am very new here and I dont have near the knowledge that others here do, but your story hits close to home so I wanted to give you my thoughts. I would love to hear your thoughts and advise on my situation. I have a thread on the forum.
Mandy, you are one of the more unique people here as a "recovering" WAW. There are a few vets here (Sandi2 and Brit45, to name a couple) who might notice your thread and pop in to offer support.
Please keep posting short messages, even if it's just to journal once or twice a day, as it will help you get off moderation sooner and your posts will appear immediately.
I believe that the first support you will get will suggest that you follow Sandi2's 37 rules as well as to detach, live for yourself, and standard DB fare which you find most newbies are recommended.
I'm going to take a different tack, here.
DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT!
You spent the better part of two years distancing yourself from your H.
Now might be a VERY GOOD TIME to start re-engaging him.
You are afraid to ask him if there's still a chance? Why? Because you are afraid his answer will be, "No thanks, I've moved on."?
I'm not suggesting you ask him, yet. But at this time, please stop encouraging him to be with OW. Yes, she is OW (unless you are divorced now). Stop being happy for him because he's "happy" in his new life and relationship...
You DO NOT KNOW THAT...
He could very well be trying to make the best of his life, now. Putting on a brave face for you, etc...
So, rather than distance yourself...
You need to be a real catch, yourself.
Fix what ever complaints he had about you that were valid AND that you WANT to fix or make better...
and then, include him as much as possible... AS A FRIEND... in your life...
See what happens...
You do need to be doing this in order to maintain a great friendship with him. So IF you decide to go this route, you would need to have NO expectations that it will lead to reconciliation.
Still... there might be a chance that this draws him towards you and helps him realize that your changes are real AND permanent and that life with you would be much better for him, into the future.
IF he decides to re-engage and work on the M. THAT would be when the two of you should seek a M friendly (DB friendly, if possible) counsellor to help the two of you work out any remaining issues.
oh, regarding the friends who "knew" you might change your mind. It would not have mattered if they told you 3 months ago. You probably were not ready to hear it then, never mind act on it.
And, regarding the OW, please understand that statistically, most relationships that begin as an OP do not last. It could take a while for him to decide to re-engage with you and also to end the R with OW. AND... he will need time to grieve that loss... so patience would be key, here...
I am reaching the one year mark of being a LBS, mine is a long story mostly journaled here - feel free to review at your leisure.
Regarding you and your H. I would strongly caution you to take a deep look into why you want to get back on track with him. Is it because he is with OW? The last thing you would want to do is somehow draw him back in and realize that you did it for the wrong reasons and put him through the ringer again. I am going to guess that he has gone through emotional hell trying to get over you and move on. Maybe he's there - maybe he's not. Either way - you need to be 100% sure that your feelings are not fleeting or a reaction to him moving on without you.
Additionally, do you think the core problems in your M have changed? Improved? If not, chances are you will land right back in the same spot again.
I could say more, but you get the point. As a man whose wife left (who would want nothing more than to have her back) think about his perpective for awhile - it seems that you have. If you really think you want R back, give him time and reason to trust. But most importantly, MEAN it when you say you want him back....all of him.
Tried re-engaging but unfortunately that led to behavior that wasn't healthy for either of us. So all contact has to stop; it's just too tempting.
I asked him today to not contact me again as long as he is still in new R. Too difficult for now and I feel like the OW.
He doesn't trust me enough to let go of the new R and wants to see how things work out with her. He says he doesn't want to hurt her...
And I don't blame him for not trusting me, but I can only say "sorry" and "I'll do better" so many times. It would take actions and MC to 'show' him and that's not possible as long as he's with her.
So I will live my life, not quite like I was before, but I will be happy. He's encouraging me to date, but I can't do that as long as I have feelings for him.
My C encouraged me today to start a journal. Here's as good a place as any!
Oh, I know I might not have been ready to hear it either. But maybe it wouldn't have come to so much of a surprise to me when I started to feel regret...
I am so happy to have all these replies! Thank you
Yes, I have *really* looked at the reasons for wanting R and him back - all of him.
Our M fell apart due to a lack of intimacy. This drove a wedge down the middle of our R that made us grow further & further apart. We had a vicious cycle going which I ultimately had to put an end to. I always said that I just needed a 'break' to be able to get clarity. I feel like I was in a M burn-out.
The thoughts started before his new R and the OW. And then I pushed them aside because I was sure he was happy in the new R. It was during one telephone conversation that gave me a glimmer of hope that he *could* forgive and want me back. That's when I was finally honest with him and myself about my feelings. That conversation led to more conversations, which led to me feeling more in love than I have in years.
When I started to have doubts about my leaving, I was sure he wasn't ready to hear that. I still don't think he's ready for it now...which is obvious because he still wants to pursue/choose OW.
I believe that the first support you will get will suggest that you follow Sandi2's 37 rules as well as to detach, live for yourself, and standard DB fare which you find most newbies are recommended.
Should have read those rules two weeks ago! Broke quite a few already and worse!
