T hanks kg. on the house - I do have an L. I am waiting on stbx's financial info. I have already talked to some mortgage brokers and I know about where I need to be. The question is whether it will look like I owe him money or whether there's an offset of his stuff or property.
As I feared/predicted, now that the house cat is out if the bag, he doesn't want to pay for the small reno we have planned. I'm trying to appeal to the logic that it increases the value of the house which is a win either way for him. Sigh.
On an whim i googled "divorcing a narcissist" . . . interesting stuff there.
Well, one bright spot in all of this is that I am much more able to deal with work stress. I face problems head on and pick up the phone to resolve things as soon as they arise. I don't let other people's emergencies stress me out. A little perspective (practically nothing at work could be as bad as going through this D) seems to have helped tremendously.
good that you can see some of the positive in this sitch. there's another board i frequent that is about dealing with primarily narcissists (mainly MIL's, but there are people with NM, NH, NSIL's, etc). it is extremely rough to have to deal with. my MIL was an N and a toxic person to be around. she caused me a lot of grief. my silver lining is that i don't have to deal with the hosebeast any more...
M:29 H:30 M:2.5 years T:13 years No kids EA:11/2011 PA:01/2012 Bomb:02/2012 H starting another EA, I had enough and we seperate: 03/08/2012 Trying to decide what I want for a change...
good that you can see some of the positive in this sitch. there's another board i frequent that is about dealing with primarily narcissists (mainly MIL's, but there are people with NM, NH, NSIL's, etc). it is extremely rough to have to deal with. my MIL was an N and a toxic person to be around. she caused me a lot of grief. my silver lining is that i don't have to deal with the hosebeast any more...
timbits,
Good perspective on the situation. I had to look up the word "hosebeast", lol.
Thanks timbits, I am glad to see you out of that apt.
Got an email back to mine appealing to his logic on doing the reno. He said it made sense. He did not say anything else on that or agree to it per se but said he could provide what financial info he has so far. his response was definitely not as charged an email as the previous ones were. Power packaging at work here. Good life lesson. Also - sitting on the drafts and deleting out stuff coming from my feelings of anger or hurt - those just get bounced back to me.
1) stbx agreed that I was right on the reno issue and re-agreed to go forward on it, and 2) he apologized if the tone of his emails over the past few days came across negatively because that was not his intent.
!!
I'm not keeping score, but it seems like logic won a point in there somewhere
I think his email tone was an effort for him to sound puffed up and defending territory because he's compensating for not being as knowledgable about this process as I am comparatively.
A lot of my anxiety seriously comes from feeling like he's "dangerous" as he really doesn't know the process and assuming he's trying to play this to get something extra out of me that he's not entitled to. Frankly, he's just not smart enough at this to do that. I need to keep remembering that. It keeps me calmer and more relaxed. By the end of the evening I was able to crack a few jokes about him wanting to take the nice tv.
We've agreed to sit down and discuss a bunch of the property issues on Sunday.
I was thinking earlier today that I need to remember to face this straight on - the quickest (and only) way out is through.
I will keep in mind that it's probably best not to get too in depth on this stuff over email because he takes it the wrong way and then his responses stress me out.
He also revealed that he's sharing a condo with a woman. after asking me if he'd told me about her (uh, no), he was very quick to point out that she's a lesbian. Ah.
labug - your comment made me laugh. it's like watching their actions right now and really wondering what THEY were complaining about - seems so trivial now doesn't it, compared to right after BD?
vera- i'm really interested - how did you use power packaging and what did it mean for you to use and and apply it and how did you interpret what it is about?
isn't is sooooo nice that for once you got a positive response - so something you did worked!!! do you feel that you could really pinpoint exactly what it was so you could repeat it again and again
thought it was really interesting that your perspective on what you expect from h shifted. would you say it shifted before or after you wrote that email and got the positive response?
did you say yes to the visit?
so i'm taking it you had a good day? i hope so
(((( ))))) zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
I need to go back and read your first thread. I can't remember what his complaints were.
It's hard for me to remember them at this point, too. Generally - I think - he felt like he missed out on "something" bc we started dating when he was 20, and he wants to go find happiness because he thinks he could never find it in the M - it's too much work, even though I'd worked really hard already to fix some complaints of his, and he'd agreed things had gotten better. Also our life was "comfortable" but he felt like something was missing.
