More patience??? Really???

[labug]

Hey ces, I'm curious as to why you didn't follow-up on your wanting to have weekly talks? If she didn't want to she could have said No. Do you think she forgot about it?

[ces67]

Good point Bug, I've gone over in my head a few times to ask her about it. Made an assumption that her lack of response is indicative of her not being ready to have difficult conversations.

Even though I meant it to be a light thing were we just catch up with each other and what is happening, she may have interpreted it as having to have talks about things such as money.

I know that sounds like mind-reading and to some extent it is. But it is also recognizing patterns in my W where she continues to avoid what she is not comfortable with.

Here's what I was thinking of saying to her. Let me know what you think (since what I intend to say and how it sounds can sometimes be very different!)

Basically tell her something to the effect that I had asked about the once a week conversation and that it was meant to be just casual talk to catch up with each other and all that's happening. I would also mention my concern that it may have come across as something more serious in nature and that was not the intent.

Any suggestions on how to word that?

[labug]

ces, is there somewhere she particularly likes to go? For ice cream, a smoothie, a margarita? Sonic for milkshake Happy Hour?

Invite her out for something fun like that and just talk about normal stuff, get into a routine and see what happens.

[ces67]

Hi Bug, As far as places to go, there's not much that's convenient. She has been unhappy about the move since she came 2 years ago. So we've not developed any fun places yet. But I guess now might be a time to start. There are simple things she likes such as a Chil-fil-a ice tea or a Cherry lime-aide from Sonic.

But right now she is on this "cleansing" diet where she is very limited in what she can eat and drink. Its some diet she found that is suppose to reset the body's metabolism. She did it once before and after her summer revelries, is apparently back on it because she said she'd gained about 20lbs over the summer.

She likes to exercise and I've asked her to go for walks in the past. She's always declined for various reasons. I'll just have to think of something to try. The worst she can say is "no" and I'm use to that by now.

We're going out as a family for dinner tonight. Then I'm taking S13 to a movie he wanted to see and W is taking D10 to do some "girl shopping" which I think means bras...

S13 asked W to take him to the gym this weekend. I asked to go along as well to see the gym and make it a family thing. I also want to help my S with a workout routine. I got a non-commital answer to that so we'll see.

I am struggling with how to develop an "us" between W and me because she still appears so resistant to the concept. I see her try and then back away each time. So it feels like I'm trying to force something that she's not ready for.

Piecing is very confusing. Words and actions from my W are so contradictory. She has said she's not leaving. She has said she wants to start but doesn't know where. Yet her actions show choices to keep distance, to hide her life from me and take part in activities that limit or prevent my involvement.

I can't remember which book it was but it talked about "detachment with compassion". I liked the concept of distancing emotionally so I am not tethered to my W's emotional chaos but at the same time, retaining my empathy and compassion for her struggles. This is what I am working on at the moment.

Also, I've probably mentioned this before but I was raised with a mindset of "take care of the work, then play". We have so much work to do that its hard for me to relax. I am doing this though. I hardly ever talk about money unless I have to. I laugh and joke with the kids and try with my W regardless of her response. I don't get uptight about the state of the house (though I never did in the first place). And I don't ask or really expect anything from my W that would strain her (minus the 1x a week talk that has received no response).

I guess I'm thinking some of the same things you are Bug, is this really a marriage I can live with? I love my W, however, at this point she is a person thats very hard for me to respect and one that shows no commitment to engage in close relationship with me. I want to perservere and still believe we an have a strong M at some point. But I also want to share my life with someone who wants to share it with me. I miss holding hands, sitting close and doing things with someone who smiles at me.

I'm working on Zig's advice to think of my W in good terms multiple times a day because I do need to change my perspective of her. I believe this M can be saved and improved. I just need a pit-stop to recharge and get some fresh tires for the road ahead.

[labug]

If the answer is noncommittal, take it as a yes.

I see this, she's not used to a fun, lighthearted ces who isn't always worried about something. Let her get to know that person.

I've started really living my life for me. If what I do or say is unacceptable to him,(in our brief interactions) what's he gonna do...leave me?!?!

I joke because you know this has been a long, difficult road for me.

I was just thinking this morning about my Sons and how things go so much better when I focus on R rather than behaviors.

[ces67]

I'll take all the humor I can get, Bug!

An odd thing is that I'm actually pretty light-hearted and fun with my kids. I think I use to be that way with my W as well. Over the years, my inability to help her be happy (realizing now that was never my job) has deflated that part of me.

I just called my W and said I wanted to take a day off in the next couple weeks so "we" could get some painting done. So we picked a day (next Friday) for me to take off and she and I will paint our kitchen and living room.

We use to do a lot of house projects together so hopefully this will be something we can accomplish together and enjoy. It also creates an opportunity to go out to lunch together without the kids.

I like your comment about focusing on the R rather than the behaviors. My W's behaviors really are distracting to me because they are so confusing and contradictory.

Back to focusing on my life and letting go of the distractions.

[RoRoinMD]

I like your comment about focusing on the R rather than the behaviors. My W's behaviors really are distracting to me because they are so confusing and contradictory.

Back to focusing on my life and letting go of the distractions.

Gosh, every thread I read today is hitting me between the eyes! Even though H and I are nowhere near piecing, I was getting sucked back in to the contradictory behavior as well. Or what I thought was contradictory based where I believe our sitch really is.

Anyway, love the painting idea! Actually sounds like fun. And maybe instead of going out, that's the perfect day for a picnic! ;-)

[ces67]

Morning all, journal stuff.

The weekend went pretty well. On Friday night, we went out to dinner as a family and then I took S13 and one of his friends to the movies while W & D10 did some shopping. Saturday was a low-key day. I did the regular grocery shopping and W worked around the house.

W has been waivering on starting this "cleansing diet" where she really watches what she eats. She decided to start Monday. So, I was picking up some cheap wine we use for cooking and the store manager offered a taste of some new wine they had. It was actually pretty good and I typicall don't like wine. So I bought a bottle and took it home.

I told W since she wasn't starting her diet until Monday, I'd picked it up for us to have that night. So the kids went to bed early, W took a bath and enjoyed the wine and we had a nice evening.

Sunday was good also, church and then we all went to the gym together. W treated D10 to a massage (because she got a deal with her membership). So while they did that I worked with S13 on a work out and climbing a rock wall.

We relaxed at home in the evening and I washed & waxed the cars. My W actually really enjoys driving a clean, shiney car and she thanked me for cleaning it. So between the clean car and maybe the residual effects of the previous night's wine, we had another nice evening together.

We also had a few basic conversations over the weekend as well:

W worries about our D10 as she has not made any really, really close friends in our new home. She feels partly responsible for this based upon her actions and focusing her ties back to our old home.
W talked about being frustrated with herself for constantly wanting to buy things for herself that she does not need. Her friend/boss is about 1 1/2 weeks late in paying her and we need to money for some home repairs and bills. W also wants to use money to buy more clothes. At this point I took a risk and held her in my arms. I told her that I did want her to have nice things and that I hoped she believed that. I also said that I want her to have nice things and not need to feel anxiety about what we can or cannot afford. She let me hold her for a moment.

We also talked about our D10 going through changes and the impact of body-image on girls. I was happy to hear that W talked to our D10 about a certain store that we don't like because of the way it depicts young girls in its advertising. Its the first time in a long time I've heard my W mention this standard as her behaviors (and shopping) had not supported this view over the past couple years.

Today we try for MC again. I resisted the urge to remind her of the time or set alarms for her. She's an adult. If she wants to be there, she'll get there. If not, I'll cross the bridge if I have to.

[labug]

That all sounds positive. Did you set her alarm?

[ces67]

Nope, decided to trust her to be an adult. her alarm was going off before I left the house at 6 today so she was getting up and ready before she even got the kids up for school.