New to DB

[hopefulinga]

I'm glad the emotional roller coaster of the day has almost come to an end.

In an effort to try to GAL, I am going to ask H to help me split the weekend duties with D16, since over 90% of the time, she is with me. I asked him if she could stay with him for a little bit while I went to a meeting and he said everyone was interfering with his ability to do what he wanted today. So, based on what was going on, I cancelled my meeting.

But then I started to think, why is he the only one who gets to do what he wants? Especially when it is his friends that are prohibiting him from doing what he wants, not me. So, after the funeral for the friend, my goal is to ask H to alternate weekends of being mostly responsible for D16 for some portion of the day.

That way, I can walk, swim, contemplate raquetball, whatever, to get my butt out of the house and physically active.

[hopefulinga]

Our friend's funeral is tomorrow. H has pulled back a lot during this. After I came back from being out of town last week, he seemed a little closer. He is talking a little bit about the investigation of the accident. I am not asking, just listening without trying to interrupt when he wants to talk about it.

When the D bomb hit, he told me I was going to give him a heart attack and that his life was more important. I am sure that this is making him see death a lot closer than he would like, and forcing him to again see that he is not immortal and will not live for ever. And I know that there is nothing that I can do right now other than reassure him and listen to whatever he tells me.

I have a fairly busy week, and for part of the weekend H will be out of town. So hopefully I will have time to DB while he is gone and get my act back together.

[mamabird]

Hey there.
Sounds like life has been a little extra rough this weekend. Hang in there. Your H needs you around right now even if he's not admitting it. If you can be silently supportive somehow he might appreciate that.

How to make him your hero? I think you might have to wait for that opportunity to come up. Maybe ask him to do something around the house and then compliment his wonderful job on it? You don't want to sound disingenuous, and it's probably hard for you to lay it on thick. Men like to have their ego stroked but you are an independent woman which makes it a little less natural to do that.

Sounds like he is going through some tough stuff. Do your thing, be nice, but realize (and expect) that he is going to try to pull away as much as he can. My own H refuses to eat dinner with us too by the way, and I think this is partially as an insult - he knows I take pride in cooking, so refusing to eat it is like the toddler who exerts control by not eating.

[DaddyLongShanks]

Hey there.
Sounds like life has been a little extra rough this weekend. Hang in there. Your H needs you around right now even if he's not admitting it. If you can be silently supportive somehow he might appreciate that.

How to make him your hero? I think you might have to wait for that opportunity to come up. Maybe ask him to do something around the house and then compliment his wonderful job on it? You don't want to sound disingenuous, and it's probably hard for you to lay it on thick. Men like to have their ego stroked but you are an independent woman which makes it a little less natural to do that.

Sounds like he is going through some tough stuff. Do your thing, be nice, but realize (and expect) that he is going to try to pull away as much as he can. My own H refuses to eat dinner with us too by the way, and I think this is partially as an insult - he knows I take pride in cooking, so refusing to eat it is like the toddler who exerts control by not eating.

No, men and women like their "ego stroked". I'm not sure that refusing to do this for your significant other is mentally healthy...

[hopefulinga]

Thanks, LA. It has been tough. I talked to a friend of mine this am about how difficult it has been and how H has been acting. She made me feel better and told me that she understood and knew that he was being crappy to me because I am the W (she knows nothing of our situation).

I left H a VM today that I am here for him and will support him in any way I can. I know this has been rough because everyone is calling him for info and he has not had time to grieve on his own. I know that other people do not take his feelings into account. I would say this guy was in his inner circle of about 3.

He is still coming home for dinner and telling me it is good. When he's late, I don't complain. I forgot yesterday that the NTSB would be at the airport at 7:30 and I think he wanted to be there for that. So that may be the reason for not wanting to eat.

You are right about the hero part. The problem is, he rarely does anything around the house, even after I ask. So, I will have to come up with something. I know that I am not good about thanking him and stroking his ego. And that is on my list of things to improve.

He likes me to be independent, but it also bites me in the butt relationship wise. He's offered me up to 2 people in the past week to assist with problems. He likes to boast that his W is a lawyer. He's always said he was fine with my level of education, but I am not always sure. I think he is a little jealous of me sometimes. He told me he wanted a financial equal, which he got. But he may have sacrificed not having a woman who thinks he hangs the moon 24/7.

So lots of things I can work on. Thank you again for your words and support. We will get through it. I just have to realize that I cannot fix this, so the fixer needs to go away.

[hopefulinga]

H seemed close to his normal self last night. Maybe the mothership let him come back for a visit.

I can tell that his stress level is off the chart. Last night he got a call regarding one of his customers that has been acting shady, and the call confirmed that. He was talking to the other person about being owed $$. The other person must have said something about suing or collecting because H said, "I've got that covered, I'm married to a lawyer and they know it."

After he got off the call, he expressed some of his frustration with the situation. I did a good job of listening, telling him that he had every right to be frustrated and that I hated that he was going thru this. A little bit of a 180 for me because I drafted a change order for this customer that I know H has not had the guy sign for some changes on a big job. I didn't do any "told ya so" stuff.

I also talked to a friend of his (in front of him) about a chicken dish. Usually I would just try to cook it, but instead I asked H if it would be ok to try that recipie. I didn't get an answer, do I will ask again before I try it.

These are small victories for me in the 180 and respecting his feelings department. I know now that I need to stick to this pattern and not get comfortable and slip back to my old attacking self.

[hopefulinga]

Today is the funeral. We will make it through. I can see the pain in H's eyes I'm being silently supportive, because I honestly don't know what to do or say that won't get me in to trouble.

[hopefulinga]

We made it through the funeral. H and I sat together. I did cry through the service and afterwards. I know that H is in a lot of pain and also doesn't do well when I am upset. When he went to leave, he did actively hug me and let me hang on for a few seconds. He was leaving to go out of town for the day and I think he needed to get out of there for his own peace of mind.

The pastors said many things that I took to heart about trust and faith in the Lord. I am not a very religious person, but all of this made sense to me. They also talked about our paths in life already being set and that we had to trust the plan even if we didn't know it. These were words of guidance to get through difficult times. I was thankful that H and I could hear these words together.

Those words help to reinforce to me that I cannot change what is going on, only me. And that I can lead a new path in life. Detaching and being less clingy is still difficult for me, but I am trying my best.

[mamabird]

DaddyLS, I wasn't suggesting that she shouldn't stroke her H's ego, I was only pointing out that it may not feel natural for her to do that. This is the curse of the independent woman.... we have to try harder in that area.

[mamabird]

Tough day for you today. Keep supporting your H, even if it's quietly. Continue to show you are thinking about him. When he gets back, see if he will be open to a backrub or something along those lines just to offer some comfort. You might be surprised. He probably wishes he could cry on your shoulder right now. I have found my own H to be very stubborn in asking for this kind of support and I probably should have been more forthcoming with it instead of withholding.