Something that really resonated with me is "if you can't change something you can change how you feel about it"
So when I'd get upset that H is spending money like that crazy...I pause and think I'm so happy I had the opportunity to stand on my own two feet, to be responsible. It's a great feeling to know that I paid for all the bills, that I don't owe money to his mom.
And when I think about how he's riding a crazy train instead of being annoyed or angry I just think I'm so thankful I'm not on it.
So maybe you can look at it another way in being happy that you can get it resolved quickly and move on.
My question is if I do all the work, which was the pattern before, how does that change anything in our dynamic? Since I 180'd on not cleaning the kitchen nearly as much after BD, he picked up the slack on that.
My question is if I do all the work, which was the pattern before, how does that change anything in our dynamic? Since I 180'd on not cleaning the kitchen nearly as much after BD, he picked up the slack on that.
Just a quick note on this ^^^^
Based on your BOOTCAMP thread and some other affirmations / commitments you've stated, the above is no longer relevant.
You may continue to DB for yourself. WHAT you do, HOW you do it, WHEN you do it, etc... no longer has anything to do with your H.
Your choice to move on appears to be conflicting with your want to change the dynamic with your H. You appear stuck. Your focus is on your H and your M rather than on you and your future. Move on, move forward, and do what you need to that will help you reach your goal.
Oh geez, I've rustled KD from his hibernation! I must be sounding really lost.
You are correct that I have not changed my mind. I do need to refocus. One of my personal issues that I have been working on is not taking over and doing things for other people as used to be my codependent fixer habit. I am still trying to detangle what this means in terms of not doing stbx's work on the D. My work, I can handle that. I'm doing it. His work? That's where i'm stuck, yes.
Oh geez, I've rustled KD from his hibernation! I must be sounding really lost.
There were a few that I wanted to post to, you got top ranking... lucky you...
Of course, do realize that it IS ok to change your mind... if and when you choose... sometimes people focus on the goal... rather than the journey... and so don't think or consider the value of adjusting course...
That being said, your doing stuff because it benefits you... that's not co-d. Like... it's just not...
You might be scared to get caught in co-d behaviour, which is why it's good that you are considering it.
You CAN find that balance between removing any intent to harm and walking on eggshells and appeasing your H...
Detach... more...
And then you move forward with YOU as the focus, yet not move forward with some sense of entitlement or deservedness.
Today I spent about 7 hours doing physical labor around the house. Have about 5-6 hours to go on this project which I think will make a big impact, value- and appearance-wise.
Ended up drafting an email response to stbx, sitting on it, and then editing to make it sound less angry. I explained that I was having a hard time understanding why he seems to think every legal move I make is tied to some evil purpose when it's not. I also expressed that we are clearly both eager to move this along but that I needed him to take seriously my desire to explore keeping the house.
We'll see what kind of response this gets, considering how irritated he was when I asked him to let me know whenever he planned to come by the house. He said he was uncomfortable doing that considering it was his house. ??? I stayed calm and said I thought it would be common courtesy to let me know since he wasn't staying here anymore. After an angry pause he agreed but he was clearly not happy about it. Any time he has to think about someone else's feelings or wishes really sets off something in that brain of his.
they really protest when you make a boundary - it's the discomfort because they don't feel in control.
be ok standing your ground - though i don't think you really need to hear that, do you
i'm sorry this is so hard on you vera (((((( )))))
though i'm glad that you could focus on getting that huge amount of work done. kudos to you for achieving that. i really admire how, in the midst of his chaos, and your feelings, you can focus so much on something that simply needs to get done. you really show that consistently and it's amazing to me
((((((( ))))))))
see you on the blanket? zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
Well done with all of the work on the house. What a work out that must have been as well! :-)
Sending you a big hug ((((((((((( ))))))))))))
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
The concerns you are expressing in your latest posts resonate a lot with me. I had similar issues with H last year.
- He got upset when I asked him after he moved out to give me heads up when he wanted to come over to the house. He argued this was his house too. I told him - you and I are now co-proprietors of this house, but this is my home, where I live, and you need to let me know when you want to come over and knock the door like anyone else, just like I would do if I went over to your new apt. (make sure you say it w/o anger, just as a matter of fact). Yes, they don't like it when we set boundaries... Their problem.
- When we needed to fix our old house to put on the market, H didn't do anything and spend all of last year traveling and partying with OW. Since I wanted to get it done and sell ASAP since we were out of money, I coordinated with contractors and did a lot of the work myself - while I was 8 months pregnant. I got it done and I don't think about what he didn't do...It was my financial benefit as well.
- If you are serious about buying him out, I think you need to get all your financial info in order. Because other things might come into play - do you guys have joint savings, retirement funds, other assets, debt, etc. it might be time to talk to a L. Bottom line is, since your H is in his own private world, he will take you seriously when you present him a solid buyout proposal - and I WOULD NOT do it w/o having a very clear BIG picture of everything that affects you both financially and what you want as the final outcome of your financial separation.
Just my .02... Hope it helps.
Me & H: 44 D7, D6, S3 Together: 20y, M: 17y EA: 11/13/10, Sep: 12/23/10 EA becomes PA: Spring 2011 H filed for D: 09/06/12 D Negotiating began 2/15 OW seemingly gone on 3/15 Still negotiating D
