Needing some guidance... 5

[jks]

It's 3:00 in the morning and I cannot sleep. I am in a huge state of worry. I can't get my mind in a good place. I saw my H Saturday when I dropped off my kids and we both smiled at each other and I felt for a moment just how much I love him.

He's still so kind to me and yet, still so indifferent. His dad comes out and acts like everything is hunky dorey and I really tried my hardest to just smile and be warm and graceful.

I am so so so tired. I have no motivation to do anything right now. I'm losing my ability to see happiness for myself. I swear it's like I need a constant IV hooked up to me of some happy juice or something. My mind has been up and down all day. My mom had to talk me down tonight because I was wandering the house not knowing what to do with myself.

I can't bring myself to go to sleep because my mind will go further into the worry that I'm feeling right now. It's weird because I really have been putting my focus on God and spiritual reflection this past week and it almost seems like it has made me fall deeper into despair because I'm realizing the seriousness of everything my H is doing and I'm missing even more the spiritual bond that we once had. It's like I'm mourning the loss of my H's spirituality, which for me, is everything.

I dread getting my kids back for fear of what they might tell me. In a sick and twisted way, I feel somewhat betrayed by them too. How in the world do I cope with this? Going out lately hasn't made me feel better at all. I actually miss my H even more because I'd rather be with him than anyone else.

Everything reminds me of him. I'm triggered by everything and I get set off so easily and can cry at any given moment. Just wishing I could see an end in sight. My H will never approach me with any kind of information and just continues to pretend like nothing is wrong. He doesn't want to talk to me and I just want to become numb to it because the pain of this is so constant and it seems never ending.

I guess it probably would be in my best interest to find a good therapist. I'm losing it...