can Turtles still stand?

[labug]

^^^I agree. You'll have the same stuff to divide next week or even next month.

[zig]

vera, unbidden labug -thanks

shite - the conversation went totally different than i expected.

he started by first saying maybe we shouldn't have it. i said it was upto him. then he wanted to know about s's day and we talked casually for a few mins. i could tell he was reluctant to start, but eventually he did.

so he starts by saying that we need to just decide how we split things up so we are ready for the appointment with the mediator on tuesday.

i was like whoa, back up - you told me you cancelled that and was filing yourself. i went and made another appointment for the morning because i thought i had that time free. we had a calm argument where he tried to tell me that i had got it all wrong, but i just calmly stood my ground and described how that conversation went.

he didn't get mad - he wouldn't admit it in words, but the fact that he didn't start spewing was a good sign to me that he knew what i said was true.

he tried to muddle me for a few minutes going into how unnecessary it was for me to get a L, and i can't remember what i said, but i stayed really calm, and just kept pointing out that he and i could separately decide how we approached this and i could make decisions on my own about what i wanted to do


then he started humming a bit about was there anything to even decide - just the house and 50/50 custody and that was it. i had to "help" him a bit, which i did reluctantly - me pointing out to him about all the areas that needed to get covered

his "offer" for the house, is actually very unfair to him - and after he presented it, he asked me what i thought and so i pointed out how it was unfair to him and he tried to argue about it and i simply said - h you asked me what i think so i'm just telling you, so then he dropped that.

then he kept hinting he would like "a couple of things from the house, you know" and so i was like why don't you just come out with it - and i lightened up the conversation by joking w/ him a bit when his reply was "a couple of pots".

we went through a few other rather trivial things. and then he himself brought up alimony and child support and mumbled something about how there was some website where you could download forms and follow a formula and that the mediator could help us with that.

then he asked me "what do you think would be a fair amount of income for you". i asked - do you mean from you, and he said yes - and that was really hard for me. i replied that i didn't think it worked that way - it was more that he made an offer and i could take it or refuse it. i was crying a bit - and got really quiet, and he asked me if i was upset and i said yes i was, in fact i was a bit sick to my stomach. he said he felt the same way.

then he wanted to talk about that - and i will say he was being very gentle and calm and very careful through this whole conversation.

i said no, that i don't think i care to to talk with you about that and there's really nothing to say. "what do you mean there's nothing to say?" i said again there's really nothing to say, just let me know what i have to do.

so then again , back to the beginning - do you want to go to the mediator?
me - it's up to you h, you can decide how you want to do this.

yes but do you want to go to the mediator or not? me again - it's your decision, i told you i will co-operate and get my side done as needed.

a pause and then - well, could you cancel your appointment on tuesday so we can go?

i answered really calmly but firmly - I prefer not to.

there was a long silence and then i asked would you check the day and time with me before you make the next one. his reply - i did last time. me - actually you didn't - you left me a message saying when it was.

silence again, then i asked do you think it will be difficult to schedule another one. him - probably. i said, well let me know and we ended it there.

so i was very calm, despite all my fears of not being able to be in spite of all the feelings i had within me.



i don't know if i should have agreed to change my appointment - but i don't really care to. i'm not jumping through his hoops any more - 3 days ago - no mediator, tonight yes mediator. what will it be after 3 days something else?

i will call to get a L tomorrow and also check on finding some free advice from an immigration L.

let the train run - as hard and as fast as it can - part of me feels that I don't owe this sitch anything any more

aah but this hurts!!

thank you dear friends for having faith in me. your messages tonight were all about reminding me to have faith in myself.

(((((((( to all of you))))))))) i think i'll go curl up on the blanket for a bit with all my friends....

zig

[chatterbug]

when they offer unfair for him and better for you. Take it. Get it in writing. As down the road you will to fight to get it. OR you can use it to get something else.


Never ever say you it is unfair for you.

Never.

Trust me on this.

[labug]

So sorry about the hurting.

(((z)))

[chatterbug]

That 3rd last line was unfair for him

[zig]

thanks labug - and for the hug:)

[zig]

thanks chatterbug - but i would like to know why?

to me it seemed that it surprised him that i would consider and acknowledge his efforts.

maybe if i explain. we paid the mortgage together for 6 yrs on our first house, both of us working our butts off, contributing equally. then we fell on hard time 9both of us artists) and to help us out so we wouldn't have that payment, my parents gave us a chunk of money to pay off the house.

after 2 yrs, we moved back to town and bought another house after selling ours that was a bit more expensive and his parents put in x amount to help us buy it. he only wants that x amount back and is completely dismissing what he put into the first house for 6 yrs - let alone all the repairs he did, as well as spending 4 months building the most amazing studio for us to work in

my acknowledging his effort, is important to me. i do realize that i will be "worse off" than him financially because of the statistics. but in reality, am I? who says i won't land up making more money than him eventually? it's not out of the realm of possibility

he talked for a bit about how he wanted to make sure that both he and i were able to live about the same as we had been and that neither of us would be struggling. i know that most LBS's are fighting like hell to get some semblance of equality in their settlements, but unless i'm blindly trusting here (which i have been known to do ) i'm not seeing him grabbing for anything here.

in fact what i'm seeing is him saying take pretty much everything.

i need to do some more research on this - i can't figure out if my stance is from not knowing anything and just going with believing that he is a good guy, or because it really is true

will you explain more about why you write that- so i can understand what it is i even have to consider, please

thanks
zig

[Brit45]

Here's my 2 cents for what it's worth. 

Sit and decide exactly what you want: alimony, house, child support, items from the house etc. right now when you make decisions and their are emotions are involved you might make decisions that you regret later on either because you were too hard or too soft. I know I regretted keeping some things that I later gave to Him. You can't think about his feelings and what's fair to him. Seperate this sitch from you R. You can be fair and firm and still have a friendship.

[bustingout]

Hi zig, sorry I have been away for awhile...been trying to stay busy with D the past couple of days.

I have to admit, I have done very little to look onto the legal side of things as well. My dad helped me out and while it made my stomach turn, at least i have a better understanding.

But I can totally see how this has to be done for you, without worrying about him at all. And it's collecting information. Thats it. Which will give you power
when you need it. Like an energy bar in your purse

It's been awhile since we took a swim....fancy one?

[ces67]

(((Zig)))

Hey, looks like a rough weekend. Hope you're doing OK today.

Its hard to say what all can trigger these feelings. For me, I noticed that sometimes I would see things that gave me hope and so often that hope turned to expectations which ultimately lead to dissappointment, resentment, anger, etc. etc...

Other times, it was my own pride in seeing all the work I was putting into this and feeling that it wasn't being returned as it should...(yep, back to expectations).

You mentioned putting the feelings down to focus on the positives. You're right in that these feelings do need to be dealt with. You can also keep up the positive stuff too. It helps create the good habits you need.

Also, these boards are great for venting & support but make sure you are out there enjoying the people around you too.

And you can always pick up and decide to do better. Relapses in these feelings are normal and expected. Set it aside and keep moving. One relapse (or even several) don't take away from the progress you've made.