can Turtles still stand?

[zig]

vera, unbidden labug -thanks

shite - the conversation went totally different than i expected.

he started by first saying maybe we shouldn't have it. i said it was upto him. then he wanted to know about s's day and we talked casually for a few mins. i could tell he was reluctant to start, but eventually he did.

so he starts by saying that we need to just decide how we split things up so we are ready for the appointment with the mediator on tuesday.

i was like whoa, back up - you told me you cancelled that and was filing yourself. i went and made another appointment for the morning because i thought i had that time free. we had a calm argument where he tried to tell me that i had got it all wrong, but i just calmly stood my ground and described how that conversation went.

he didn't get mad - he wouldn't admit it in words, but the fact that he didn't start spewing was a good sign to me that he knew what i said was true.

he tried to muddle me for a few minutes going into how unnecessary it was for me to get a L, and i can't remember what i said, but i stayed really calm, and just kept pointing out that he and i could separately decide how we approached this and i could make decisions on my own about what i wanted to do


then he started humming a bit about was there anything to even decide - just the house and 50/50 custody and that was it. i had to "help" him a bit, which i did reluctantly - me pointing out to him about all the areas that needed to get covered

his "offer" for the house, is actually very unfair to him - and after he presented it, he asked me what i thought and so i pointed out how it was unfair to him and he tried to argue about it and i simply said - h you asked me what i think so i'm just telling you, so then he dropped that.

then he kept hinting he would like "a couple of things from the house, you know" and so i was like why don't you just come out with it - and i lightened up the conversation by joking w/ him a bit when his reply was "a couple of pots".

we went through a few other rather trivial things. and then he himself brought up alimony and child support and mumbled something about how there was some website where you could download forms and follow a formula and that the mediator could help us with that.

then he asked me "what do you think would be a fair amount of income for you". i asked - do you mean from you, and he said yes - and that was really hard for me. i replied that i didn't think it worked that way - it was more that he made an offer and i could take it or refuse it. i was crying a bit - and got really quiet, and he asked me if i was upset and i said yes i was, in fact i was a bit sick to my stomach. he said he felt the same way.

then he wanted to talk about that - and i will say he was being very gentle and calm and very careful through this whole conversation.

i said no, that i don't think i care to to talk with you about that and there's really nothing to say. "what do you mean there's nothing to say?" i said again there's really nothing to say, just let me know what i have to do.

so then again , back to the beginning - do you want to go to the mediator?
me - it's up to you h, you can decide how you want to do this.

yes but do you want to go to the mediator or not? me again - it's your decision, i told you i will co-operate and get my side done as needed.

a pause and then - well, could you cancel your appointment on tuesday so we can go?

i answered really calmly but firmly - I prefer not to.

there was a long silence and then i asked would you check the day and time with me before you make the next one. his reply - i did last time. me - actually you didn't - you left me a message saying when it was.

silence again, then i asked do you think it will be difficult to schedule another one. him - probably. i said, well let me know and we ended it there.

so i was very calm, despite all my fears of not being able to be in spite of all the feelings i had within me.



i don't know if i should have agreed to change my appointment - but i don't really care to. i'm not jumping through his hoops any more - 3 days ago - no mediator, tonight yes mediator. what will it be after 3 days something else?

i will call to get a L tomorrow and also check on finding some free advice from an immigration L.

let the train run - as hard and as fast as it can - part of me feels that I don't owe this sitch anything any more

aah but this hurts!!

thank you dear friends for having faith in me. your messages tonight were all about reminding me to have faith in myself.

(((((((( to all of you))))))))) i think i'll go curl up on the blanket for a bit with all my friends....

zig