But then, I bet you are GAL right now. So, good for you! If you taking time to heal tonight, good for you! again.
Sense a pattern here?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Thank you all very much for your support. It was much needed this week.
Today was probably one the hardest, yet one of the best days in my life.
I'll explain but it won't be short.
This week I fought the need.. the need to prove to my wife that she did not destroy me.. that I was a better person because of this.
I dyed my hair (a super rad look) and planned to buy the most bomb ass dress or rocker outfit. I asked people should I go classy or rockstar.
And thankfully my mom put me in check and said "honey.. you are still are making it about her".
She was completely right, so I started praying.. that I got over myself and that Saturday was not about showing my w about how great I was.. only to show her how great God was to me.
Last night I GALed the crap out of my night. I've turned into quite the little line dancer in the past year.
I decided to take my best friend with me today. She's knows W and I just wasn't sure what was going to happen.
It started off quiet. I wasn't really in the mood for small talk. Then she started asking me questions and I told her about my boat movie, working with Eliza Dushku, etc.
She told me she tried rocking climbing and when she finished, she thought that "I wish I could share this with her".
I said nothing.. but knew I was getting into trouble.
After the bank, we went to AAA. There came a point where someone asked if we were related... she answered no.
That comment made me step outside. That plus the small talk was really taking a toll. I prayed hard.. "please god.. help me make this about you.. not me".
Went back in - She asked how I was doing. I didn't reply. The following is what ensued. I'm not really sure of the order.
W: I know it's hard M: It's not signing the papers that is hard.. it's the not talking and not being part of your life and although I have come to accept it... it is still hard. W: I don't know how we can be in each others lives. Do you? M: I know that God gives us choices. Just like I choose how I am talking to you right now, I have the choice to make you a part of my life. I can't tell you how.. only that you have to figure it out with God. W: I guess I don't know my truth when it comes to you. M: Have faith, trust in God.. you'll figure it out.
She struggled some more.. we are signing papers. She is trying to breathe through it.... And even though she chose this, even though my life has been so hard for the last 16 months.. my heart broke for her.
And in that moment I made a choice. One not based out of co-dependency but out of love.
M: U okay? W: I'm sad. It's a loss. You're a loss.
She makes small talk about buying cowboy boots. She asked to see my tattoo. I validate her and congratulate her on trying new things. Overcoming her fears. I start the signing the paperwork.
W: I'm sorry. I'm sorry I couldn't make it work. M: ...... (I put my arm around her and pull her close) W: Thank you for loving me. M: Anytime (with a cute smile) W: I'm sorry I couldn't let it in.
The papers signed we walk back to the car. She continues to ask about my family. I tell her about my sister and how I have made amends with my mom.
We get back to the car.
W: You know.. I'm not gone. M: Maybe so.. but I can't do this. I don't want to call it wishy washy - but I can't do the little check ins. It's hurts too much right now. But I do hope that one day we can be back in each other's lives.
W: Well let's just see how where our journey's take us. Maybe our paths will cross again.. or maybe not.
M: Perhaps. My path is in God's hand's now. He knows what's best for me.
We hugged deeply and I said goodbye. I cried a bunch in the car. I expected a bunch of feelings.. but never the one I actually felt.
But that is part 2.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
wow... I am so touched by your post. You have such incredible strength and kindness.
I can't wait for part two!
(((val)))
Me & H: 44 D7, D6, S3 Together: 20y, M: 17y EA: 11/13/10, Sep: 12/23/10 EA becomes PA: Spring 2011 H filed for D: 09/06/12 D Negotiating began 2/15 OW seemingly gone on 3/15 Still negotiating D
W: Well let's just see how where our journey's take us. Maybe our paths will cross again.. or maybe not.
Let that go. It meant something to her. As did her sharing that with you. It may forever stay a mystery, for you. At the very least, because...
Just remember this:
Originally Posted By: Valeska19
M: Perhaps. My path is in God's hand's now. He knows what's best for me.
The future will unfold and be revealed as HE sees fit. Immerse yourself in the experience of the journey...
{{{val}}}
THIS^^^^^
and ((((( ))))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
In my last post, I said that this was probably the hardest yet the best days of my life.
That seems like an impossible sentence in many ways.
For me, the hardest parts came after everything was over.
I appreciate what everyone said about my kindness. Lots of prayer there and thankfully I wasn’t alone. I don’t even think I can take credit… actually I know I can’t.
But after it was over, I lost my sh!t in the car. I was SOO angry. .. and I was having a hard time releasing it.
“How dare she that she was sad because she was losing me… but she still was choosing it”
“How dare she say she wasn’t gone .. but wouldn’t make the choice to come back to me”
“How dare she apologize.. but not try to make amends”
“How dare she brag to me about all the things I really wanted us to do together”
And even though I intellectually understood that I would one day appreciate her kind words.. that day I just couldn’t get my heart there.
And the fact that I couldn’t do that or be happy that she was trying new things, upset me. My best friend reminded me that some days I just need to show grace to myself
Regardless, It hurt so bad and for me that was the surprise emotion. That was the hardest part.
Onto the best day part of it.
After I was able to finally release all that hurt and anger… I realized that it was a good day.
I did it. With the love and support of others, I didn’t break. I think back to what Truegritter said about how he wouldn’t break..
And 25 – you were so right… I AM so thankful that I never was petty or vengeful.
I loved my wife and honored my vows from the moment I said I do – to the moment I signed it over.
And I truly have NO regrets.
I thank God for giving me the strength to love her through all this, to push me to love as he does.
So what did I do with the rest of my weekend you ask…..
…. Well I GALed the sh!t out of it of course!
Saturday was my first gun show and whale watching at Newport Beach.
Sunday was a beach day and successfully running my first 10k.
I feel there may be a part 3. A closure of sorts to this board as this book is finally closed.
I don’t know… will have to think about it some.
Until then.. keep on keeping on!
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
TG posted this on another thread. It spoke to me, parts anyway and I copied it to my journal. Perhaps there is some thing for you here too. FWIW
This tragedy and the choices of your spouse against you is probably the toughest thing you will ever have happen to you in your life. It is certainly a traumatic event to say the least because it is the destruction of your life and what you thought you could trust and believe in about love and sharing your life with someone.
When that belief and trust is shattered you have to feel and deal with its loss.
You can go in any number of directions:
-run away -blame and get angry -you can beg or plead -you can try to coerce, control and punish
In the end you have to find your own answer and THAT Only comes from making your own choice.
Not because of what someone else did BUT in spite of it.
Choose to love in the face of all the anger, agony and pain.
In spite of what you feel you are a victim of. In spite of how others may perceive you. In spite of your own self doubt.
Choose for YOU and you will find what it means to love another.
You will find what it means to love yourself.
You will only get this awareness after standing through much pain. Constantly questioning yourself and your beliefs. Testing your fortitude.
Then you will emerge with the truth. The truth forged in a fire. Your own truth.
The you will know the freedom and peace that comes from knowing that NO ONE can ever take that away from you.
[Some of the tactics and boundaries we might employ, while they certainly are an expression of what you do not want in your life, they can also cause us to make choices BECAUSE OF SOMOENE ELSE.
It causes us to lay our self respect on the foundation of demanding someone else confirm us by either doing or not doing something. It makes it all too easy to lay the blame on the person choosing not to conform to our demands. You run the risk of not making your own choice for your own reasons. It relieves you of that responsibility. And you will not know your own truth because it has been written by someone else. It was written Because of someone else.
When you STAND up for what you believe, in the face of this, it becomes clear that you are truly free from the consequences of the choices of other people. Then you don’t need boundaries.]
In the end love endures and does not fail. Finding that out though, is a hard way to go.
I can only say it is worth it
Your spouse has the journey to take as well. They are trying to find the answers to the same questions. They think it lies in another person or relationship. And they will find it or they won’t. Until they do their life, love and relationships will be broken. They as we will repeat the same mistakes until they learn this. Until they do the M is broken.
And you have no power over it. Your power and your salvation rest within yourself. So this is an opportunity to ask yourself:
Who am I?
What does love mean to me? Is it defined by its expression by another? Or how I choose to express it?
So do what you will and feel what you feel. The consequences and the failures only bring you closer to the truth IF you have the courage to keep stepping toward it.
Many obstacles will be put in your path to overcome:
