To Lovingly Detach

[25yearsmlc]

Arsene,

first, about the venting... Yes You do need a place to vent and this is the place. My issue may not apply to YOU, but it's two fold.

Venting is fine when it helps settle you down and cool you off or even get you to see things in a new way.

Venting is fine when you grow from it.

My problem is, as you said, 1) we can't tell if you are merely venting (telling us helps) and or,

2) if we need to help you correct your course b/c maybe you are swirling in anger and staying stuck there. A lot of folks do.

Venting CAN help people to go in circles w/their fired up anger and wounded egos, and pretty soon they begin to circle the drain, and we know how that goes. They go down the drain and become bitter and self pitying which is super attractive.

So I'll assume you are venting, but may gently nudge you if it seems like you are getting too negative, okay?

Next, about your wife being late, or not showing up, okay. You've told her that you want advance notice and some precision in her time estimates

and you two have fought about it. So you've made your point, right? Don't beat a dead horse or lose your temper again.

So now, drop it. End of story.

Next time she's "too late" your d won't know b/c you won't have told her that her mom is coming, or when,

AND you will leave to GAL with your d...and your w will figure things out.
You will NOT have changed or shifted your schedule to accomadate your wife's showing up late or not at all, you will have done your thing...

This is NOT to punish your w but to help you keep your life and schedule in your control.

Obviously if you said you were going to be somewhere "for hours" it's not cool to leave after one hour.

I'm saying Do what you planned to do, and make no adjustments for your wife, unless she calls. Then figure it out fairly.

That's the difference between a boundary (which is for YOUR sake-ie. you not switching around your day for her mind changing)

versus punishing her by hiding or leaving early, which is to hurt her. See?

I know you see her as taking advantage and yet you wonder about being nice to her or "Firm" or cold...

Here's something I went through but I stipulate, we were married at the time. My point is about doing what works.

When my h would work late, (usually voluntarily), sometimes it was b/c he said we needed the money and to him, we did. I did not feel the same and he missed A LOT of our children's lives, but sometimes he worked late to impress his colleagues, or b/c he wanted to do a new procedure. I raised the kids largely on my own for chunks of time.

When he'd get home I did not want or feel like opening my arms to him b/c I thought that would "teach" him to keep working late.

That if I acted "as if all was well", and did not "punish" him in some way, he'd "keep taking advantage of us" or taking us for granted, not coming home earlier, etc.

Maybe I was "right"....maybe not.

Let's say, for the moment, that I was right...So, did my approach work?


NO!!

Emphatically, IT did not work! Which means I needed a new approach!

So Instead, what if I'd rushed to meet him w/the kids running at him yelling "Daddy's home, Daddy's home!!"?

What if I welcomed him to a warm loving home? What if I gave him a home he'd WANT TO COME HOME TO??

What might have changed for us, and so much sooner?

I was a slow learned Arsene...trust me, I feel for you.

As for the housework and maid, I didn't know you had a maid. I commented on how little you did b/c you said it was a "180 for you to do all the housework and laundry" so I assumed she had been doing that. Did you fire the maid? Too pricey?

I don't think you were "wrong" to invite your w b/c you were stuck w/an unexpected amount of time together. Far better to DO SOMETHING, especially something NEW AND FUN as A FAMILY

b/c that's GAL and it's new and different and that is what your w needs to know can happen.

Not like you took her out to a romantic dinner. I think you made a great choice, given the circumstances.

Now back off. And good for you to go out that night!