can Turtles still stand?

[zig]

KD [censored] [censored] - i am not doing well right now at all.

i haven't talked with him yet - it will be another hour or so.

as frustrating as it is to have to go through this part of the process... and as difficult as it can be...

this is so difficult, right now - my energy is not in a good place, and i can't figure out if i'm really fed up or just scared. there's so much hurt that has risen...

do i just be friendly or let my real feelings show. i swear if he spews at me i will completely lose it and i'm scared i'll do that.

joann told me to be friendly and let go and not to stop the fast train - stop the fast train - i want to blow up the tracks!!

idk if you followed the convo on my bootcamp thread last night, but the general consensus was to just find out and be non-committal myself. so why am i getting into such a state about this?

all day everytime i stop doing something, like cooking or cleaning which takes my focus off it, i just start crying.

i don't know how many times during this last yr h would tell me he'd call me after he put s to bed - and the next day - sorry i fell asleep. i've half a mind to give him back some of the same. all i keep thinking is it's about time he got some of what he dishes out - indifference, blowing everyone off - everything except the anger.

i know what's going on with me - i've put aside the anger for a year - focused on being all the positive things - and now it's reared it's ugly head when i wasn't watching and i simply don't know what to do with it. it scares me

i know i'm venting here - so i won't with h.

thanks KD - i'm spinning over myself this time and it [censored]

zig