Well, it's been ages since I've updated. Things have been pretty quiet. I'm almost done with the bathroom and rarely struggle with resentment about it.
P's calls to chat are more like two weeks apart. In the middle of one, she blurted out that she had bought a house. I get the feeling that she's limiting what she tells me because she's trying to protect my feelings. But then she'll need a favor (me digging up papers about the land she's trying to sell - the land where we were going to build a house) and seem very tentative, apologetic, and grateful when I come through.
Sometimes I've had a run of grumpy thoughts about her. Recently, I've been missing her more. She's supposed to come back in September to help with the roof. As that approaches, a lot of feelings are coming up. And hopes. And we all know that it's a slippery slope into expectations. Ugh.
I've been thinking that I'd like to get my goals into focus. Why is that so hard?
The personal ones are easy enough to lay out, but the R related ones are a big challenge. I might have to join Zig's workshop!
One thing I'm thinking is that when P is here, I need to be diligent in practicing those internal boundaries. Listen and observe, evaluate and either respond or, more likely, STFU as appropriate.
Last time, I got progressively more stressed out by unmet expectations and did not sit quietly with my discomfort. I'd like to be able to be consistently calm and warm (lovingly detached), regardless of whether I'm getting what I want from P at any given time.
I want to have some good mantras in place for times when irritation arises in me or in P. Maybe that old standby, "I'm sorry you feel that way." I guess it would work to tell myself that, too. Ha!
