Good day! This is my first post on any forum, ever!
Let me introduce myself and share a bit of my story: Me - In process of being a "reformed" WAW age 36 Him - age 45 and unfortunately, has new girlfriend We were together 8.5 years and I moved out on what would have been our 7th anniversary: Jan 1 2012 No children
I first told him I was unhappy with our relationship in Nov 2010. After he asked and I'm not sure I would have ever told him. I was already thinking about leaving and wasn't sure how or when I would tell him. It always seemed like there was a reason NOT to...
I attempted to leave once in June 2011, I even got my own car. However, we decided to try to work things out - but unfortunately, without any professional help.
And then I decided to "walk away" Dec 11, 2011 and I moved out a few weeks later.
At first I said I needed a break, I couldn't see anything but the "fog" anymore. We were living two very separate lives. Sharing a bed, but not a life and definitely not a marriage.
8 months have gone by since that time - he has asked at least twice if I would change my mind. The first time, I replied that I wasn't sure yet. And second time, I still wasn't sure, but I knew I couldn't let him wait for me any longer. I had to let him go. It wasn't fair to keep him in the wings...and I knew I wasn't ready for what he wanted.
Well, he got the closure he needed and quickly found himself in a new relationship. Nothing he planned, it just happened as soon as he got the closure he needed.
Ironically, it was while he was exploring his new relationship that I started to clear some of my "fog". I was alone - really alone - on vacation and had lots of time to think, reflect and explore my feelings.
I didn't know about his new relationship at first. But I quickly figured it out (Facebook is a funny thing) then he told me about a week or so later. I was truly happy for him! All I ever wanted in all our time together was for him to be happy!
Then there was a message back & forth about stuff for the house we still own but was for sale. In the message I asked if the new gf would be going away with him on an upcoming trip. I didn't want to ask, but at the same time I needed to know. He wondered where this question was coming from as I clearly wasn't interested in him anymore...
And during this trip, I noticed that I was starting to feel really sad. I figured it was because he was on a trip that we had planned to do together (BTW: he was on his own) and all I wanted in the world at that point was to be with him. It had nothing to do with his new gf, because she didn't go, just an overwhelming sense of "what did I give up?"
It was at this point that I decided to see a C. She thought my feelings were based on seeing too much (from Facebook) and suggested I block him so I didn't see anything anymore, then re-evaluate in 4-6 weeks.
There were other things that happened too. We finally sat down to talk to each other, for the first time since January. It was so nice to see him, to be able to talk and not have an argument. And he seemed so strong, confident and just like the guy I met so many years ago. He really seemed happy, so I decided to be happy for him too. I even gave him some advice on what he should do to keep these great feelings 'alive' in his new relationship.
But then he reached out to see if I was OK, because he sensed some regret from me during our visit. I tried to convince him, and myself, that it wasn’t regret of leaving, but of not trying harder, earlier. I was still happy for him.
I also couldn’t escape the feeling that too much damage had been done. Too many people were hurt and it would be impossible to try again. His family would disown him! This kept me constantly pushing my feelings aside and wishing him nothing but the best.
Well, I did block him on Facebook, but we still communicated a bit by email. There was some family stuff going on from my side & we always chatted once a month about the house. It felt like we were finally going to be able to be friends again.
Then, not long after, I learned he had visited my Grammy in the hospital. I happened to visit her the day after he did. She and I actually argued about whether or not he would take me back if I asked. She thought he would and I was sure he wouldn’t. I was getting myself ready for the day he was going to ask for a D because he wanted to marry the new gf. But my Grammy was sure I was wrong and it got me thinking...what IF I really wanted him back? Is it possible to start over? I mean no one DID anything wrong (no abuse or cheating). What if??
I kept that thought to myself for a long while. I really didn’t want to interfere with his new relationship. Especially because during our visit, I shared (overshared) that I had a fantasy that we would meet up in a few years, both be single, and find our way back to each other. I really didn’t mean this as reality, hope or a signal for him to wait for me! It was just something I had considered when I thought about the future.
We were emailing back & forth about some of our issues from the past & some things of today. We both have the theory that we can’t change the past, only do better tomorrow. He expressed some regret about wishing we could have done better together and I comforted him in knowing that we were – but as friends. All the while I was wondering if my Grammy was right!
We ended up chatting on the phone one evening, supposed to be about stuff about the house. And I decided to tell him about this conversation with my Grammy. I needed to know if she was right – for me and for him - for us!
Through all our messages and emails I was feeling like I was falling back in love with him. I missed our life; and for once I could only remember all the good stuff. All the bad stuff was disappearing. I kept pushing him towards the new gf, but only because I thought he deserved better than me.
We continued messaging through emails, but I couldn’t take anymore of the what could’ve/might’ve been conversations. It was driving me nuts because I couldn’t ever ask him to choose. He deserved to be happy and I wasn't ready to be what he needed.
In the meantime, I spoke with some friends about my doubts and second thoughts. Not one was surprised about the news; just surprised that it took me so long! Sure wish one of them would’ve kicked me in the butt 3 months ago!
Well, we spoke on the phone a few more times since and we’ve met twice again in person. And the last time we met, it was because I was finally ready to put it all out there. After much soul searching and conversations with trusted friends, I am ready to do the work to get us back.
Not to the old us, to the potential US that was always there. We are smarter now, stronger now – we will not repeat the mistakes of our past. And if something goes wrong or something new comes our way, we will work together to get through it. We will go to MC and we will make it work. I miss him, I miss us!
He is really confused about my change of heart. And I understand that. And he has some trust issues with what I say – I understand that too. I tell him that I can only show him that I mean it, if he’s willing to take a chance.
Of course, he would have to end his new relationship to give us the opportunity to make our marriage work. And he doesn’t want to hurt her or potentially lose a relationship that could be better than ours would ever be…
I am ready to live with the consequences of my choices and actions, but it doesn't mean I want to. That's what it comes down to! I am OK alone, I will eventually be ready to move on and will be happy for him, no matter what.
He’s asked for space to let this all settle. Which he’ll get. I can’t message him any more because I need him to come to this decision on his own. And it hurts too much to hear that he “doesn’t know”. I now feel so bad for all the times I said that I 'didn't know'.
The only problem I have with all this is he will still see the gf. I guess that’s fair, I chose this path, so I will be patient and hope that he can see that I really am truly sorry. I am stronger now than I have ever been before and I will choose him over anything that life may throw in our way in the future.
He is seeing his C tomorrow and I see mine again next week. Here’s hoping that they can help us find our way back to each other!
Long story but glad to get it all out. I'm sure I left out some important things, but just am typing away trying to let it flow.
