can Turtles still stand?

[zig]

i did a short meditation and have calmed down a bit.

i think i'm angry because for a year this man has just come and gone, and i've worked on myself, and now when there is something good for me that i should focus on, he has brought up this whole D thing as if it is imperative it is done right this minute, and who cares whether i have something that i need to focus on, this is first priority..

very interesting shift within me - i'm finding myself FEELING the sentiments he had expressed during BD.

found myself thinking this afternoon - h you are not first priority in my life right now (those words he said to me used to haunt me all this last year).

i blew him off a bit this afternoon - he showed up at the house with s's stuff that he had forgotten - actually being very friendly. i was not prepared - mil was supposed to bring them. and he started chatting about this and that, and i said h sorry, i'm in the middle of working right now and extremely busy, and i don't have time to talk about violin rentals for s.

earlier he had called and left a message that when could we talk, he implied tonight on the phone. so when he was here i said, when do you want to talk - and he asked if i'd call tonight.

after i said i didn't have time for him to hang out , he got really deflated. and that actually made me feel even more resentful. so a lot of strange feelings coming up.

even though i sort of blew him off, i did it very calmly and frankly a bit distractedly. he did look sort of expectant when he came in - and that just confused me

i know this is just a wave of unfamiliar emotions - and i'm not used to feeling this way.