To Lovingly Detach

[Arsene]

Thanks 25,

Once again you put me right back in my place. I agree with a lot of what you say but there is a lot I would like to defend as well to the risk of sounding petty.

First of all, I do vent here because I don't want to say a lot of stuff to my wife while my emotions have the best of me. I realise you have no way of knowing what is simply venting and what is truly felt so I'm not going to go through the whole post.


So what? She did NOT promise she'd come to the pool or when

W has a long history of saying she would come and just not show up or show up late. I asked her to please let me know when she would be there so that D8 would not be disappointed and so I could plan my day around her. Unfortunately, a few days ago we had an argument over this (post #2272288 ) over a misunderstanding from her part and I took it quite badly. My comment wasn't about her coming to the pool but about her saying she would come today without telling me when (I didn't wish to go through what we had gone through the previous day)
Besides, D8 has been hurt too many times already by these promises which are changed without notice. This is why I ask her for the simple courtesy of telling me when she will be there. I don't think it's too much to ask and from what I read on this site, in the US people get a time and day for their visits. For me, I don't intend on telling her how much (or little) she can see D8 but I'd like her to tell me what time she will be there.


making snarky remarks about her finally showing

This was not meant to be a "snarky remark", just a statement of fact. You must think me an absolute jerk but please believe me, I am not as bad as you may think I am.

well, we can hope she did not notice your glee.

Again, I was misunderstood. The "chuckle" was not external but simply caused by the fact that within the "goals" I had listed, the one which said I would like her to leave OM was followed by the fact that she might stop wearing his ring and start wearing my necklace, and the very next day she does. The chuckle was actually at myself, and how little I know her.


it's debatable as to whether you should or could have invited her. Okay, you COULD have, but should you? I can't say. I lean towards saying no only b/c I want you to NOT pursue,

Actually, you are right. I was still angry at the previous day but if you read my next post you'll see what eventually happened.

acting "as if" INCLUDES being pleasant. Do you get that?

I guess I'm not clear on your usage of these terms here. ALWAYS be pleasant to her.
Esp in your sitch, b/c (sorry Arsene, truly but you were a bit of a self absorbed jerk to her for a long time).

Yes, you are right, and I always try to be pleasant even though at times I don't feel like it. After the way she treated me the day before, it was very difficult for me to be pleasant but I think I did a good job of it. With regards to me being a self absorbed jerk to her for a long time, it is debatable and it is what she says now. I do accept that I was not there for her, but her side of the story might also not be the entire truth. I am a decent man and I always cared for her. She was not a slave stuck at home catering to my every needs. She was encouraged to pursue her career, had a maid to take care of all the chores and D8, I took an active part in D8's upbringing and education, we spent a lot of time together and I didn't dump any housework on her, and she was loved to the best I know how. If I failed her, it certainly was not voluntarily, nonetheless, I did fail her, and hurt her, and I'll take responsibility for this.


Thing is you want your time with her, at her initiation, to be warm and to contrast it with your prior behaviors. (The real goal of getting her back, only happens if she thinks life with you can be better/different than before. Don't forget that.)

Yeah, I know. Thanks for reminding me. In fact, that's what I did (tried to do) today. Read on.

I think what you want to do is what I call contrasting the life she can have with OM, which may mean no "family holidays" or open r time, or stability or fidelity, and societal condemnation,

with a life at a warm, loving home, with stability, financially and emotionally, her child, and the loving father of her child and partner in life.

Bingo! That's exactly what I want to do. Thanks for spelling it out this way.

Look 25, I don't mean to be fighting you on any of this. I know you've been right before about me, about things I didn't realise until you pointed them out. It's just that I come her to write when I'm at my worst, when I've been hurt and don't want to lash out at W. I come here to vent and at times I do say what is in my "angry" mind. Things i am glad i don't tell her. I'm coming to the point now, when I'm starting to see that I am not everything she painted me to be. I'm not as horrible as she would like me to be at this time. It might not sound like this to you for some reasons but I don't think you get the whole picture of our lives together in this country.

Nonetheless, most of the time, I do appreciate your brutality (for lack of a better word) in exposing the "true" person within me. It does help in many ways but it also steps hard on a very low self-esteem which I'm am slowly trying to rebuild.

Don't take me wrong, though. I am grateful for your presence and the time you spend on my sitch. I know I'm not where I want to be yet and your support is offering me a lot of different perspectives, and insight on my true self, even if its not always nice.

Thanks again, truly.