So this morning I knew H had his test for his motorcycle license. Can you believe he told me yesterday "I'm not going to be able to study tonight. I thought she wouldn't be home until 10 and now I'm going to be stuck at the hospital" same old self absorbed H!
I texted him to say good luck. He replied and said thanks. Then 20 mins later he texted and said it turned out she'd broken her wrist. He was at the hostpital until 11pm and didn't get to study at all. He tried to cram it all in that morning and was walking to the testing centre now. I had no idea to reply to I said "well I had a great night frozen drinks and jerk chicken with the girls, and I won a competition and got a free pair of shoes! Good Luck H, I'm sure you'll do great"
he replied an hour later and said he'd passed (at this point I was at the nail salon and the woman was like your ex sure texts you a lot. ROFL) and I said YAY I knew you would. And he said "thanks that really means a lot to me. then he asked how I won the shoes and made a joke about how it just proves how much a winner I am and said insert cheesy smile and massive over enthusiastic thumbs up.
W.T.BloodyF.
So i just explained and then asked him about buying a bike and he talked about that and then I said that I was happy for him getting a new toy.
But seriously I have no idea what's going on...Let's recap: He tells me he wants to proceed with D and wants to marry GF He comes to my house while she's at home with a broken hand and gives me a ride to meet up with my friends then he texts me loads.
I think this is starting to be the friendship I wanted! eeek but is that expectations. I don't want to have any expectations about this. All I want is a friendship now.
H put on a mutual FB friend's page that he's going back to our hometown in the New Year. Now he said she'd mentioned she'd love to go when they first met and I sorta half expected him too but once again it upsets.
Let's see....when we moved to the UK he never wanted to back to visit. even his mom thought it was silly to spend money to go back. We'd been here 3.5 years before we went back. And that was only because I bought tickets BEHIND his back and surprised him with it and he was upset. now he writes he's "counting the days" I want to say F.U. to all that.
Why does it upset because for quite a few years before I walked I begged, pleaded, and (obviously) schemed to get him to ENGAGE in life. To enjoy life. Our life, his life, life in general. And now he's all easy breezy excited about things. I know what he'll say we couldn't afford it...she can.
Part of me wants to be a bitch and start tagging him in posts whenever we do hang out or whatever.
I know all of this is residual frustration about how we didn't work. And I keep thinking he may think the same thing about you...you've stopped partying, you're much more "homemaker-y", you lost almost 50 pounds, you enjoy the things around you (there were times I was depressed and just sat indoors and he tried to drag me out on walks...but by then I didn't really want much to do with him)
I don't know it's all a bit...funny. I think this happens in any relationship ending. You are upset about why they are acting in ways they do post breakup. Even if he had done all those things he still might have been cold and ugly towards me. He still might have had no self esteem. He still doesn't look after himself.
I am sorta thinking about Christmas...any thoughts on how to avoid the holiday blues? I have no family in this country. And don't think I can afford to fly home.
In other news I was challenged by a dear friend (ZIG) to ask myself what I was getting from Mr Strawberry. And I'm still not a hundred percent sure. But I did think that I should start acting as if I'm in love with me and that I'm in a relationship with me. This might sound really crazy. but in an attempt to make sure that I'm not filling some void...I'm gonna do my damnest to fill my own void. (that sounded dirty...)
Compliment myself I once had a hypnotherapist tell me that I should say out loud I love you Brit once a day. Sounded stupid...felt fantastic. I'm going to tell myself genuinely that I'm pretty, strong, funny, kind, lovable, cute, cuddley, interesting, awesome, fun etc. When I do things or act in that way I'm going to say it in my head "Hey Brit you're really awesome"
Spend time with me I spent a lot of time on these boards obsessing about H and learning from myself in how I reacted to these things but I need to do more in learning about myself and not just in terms of a relationship
Do things I want to do I had a pattern of when H didn't want to do something I wanted to do I just wouldn't do it. This weekend is a festival that I've wanted to go to and I randomly thought oh I'll ask Strawberry if he wants to go. I'm gonna bloody go to that festival on my own. And have fun!
make time for me I had been so busy lately and then I felt like I needed to be out. I do enjoy just being alone with myself with is something that I'd gotten quite comfortable with and that I'd never been able to do before. I need to bring that back.
be faithful if you're in a relationship you don't cheat, you don't look at other people, etc. I'm going to make a concerted effort to put myself first. And not let anyone come in front of that. (boys, friends, work, etc)
and no I didn't join....my H is a bit of a web snooper. And if he saw I liked that page he might find this forum just for fun. No I don't put it past him.
