i'm really feeling those first two sentences you wrote today, i think.
how are you doing today vera - have you managed to work through some of it and feel a bit better? i hope so.
thanks for stopping by and talking to me about the stuff i'm tryin gto work through - especially when you are dealing with all yours right now
((((((((((( ))))))))))
zig
Thanks z. Not sure really where I am. Had a good workout yesterday, talked to family on the phone for awhile. Trying to resist cleaning up the mess he left after he took his desk and stuff out of the office yesterday.
He said he got another realtor because he talked to "someone" who recommended going with the realtor that wants to list the house for the most money. The one he got is, in my opinion, notorious for overpricing things in this area. That said she just recently sold a house nearby for what seems like a big jump over what I would have expected it'd go for. So we'll see what she has to say.
I still feel like he's not taking me wanting to possibly get the house for myself seriously.
re the cable/internet bill... I would ask your L. but I would think that since you are both still owners of the home and he decided to choose another residence he's still responsible for the bill. You guys didn't have a convo and say one of us is going to move out one of will stay which do you want to do etc. he's obviously making decisions that are best for him and so should you.
are you under any sort of contract agreements with any companies? If so then he deffo needs to pay his portion. H and I do that still even though we mutually decided (or rather I pushed) that he should move out.
it is hard!!!! And don't worry too much about what it means that's hard. you'll drive yourself crazy. Everyone told me I would "really feel it" once he moved out. And that upset me. But it's true. It's a lot to deal with. Aside from the R, it's all the new responsibility of looking after the place on your own, etc.
Thanks Brit, that's a good point, I will email L today or call tomorrow. We definitely did not have any agreement about how this would work. The only thing we "agreed upon" was I had said earlier that all bills and joint expenses should continue to get paid as they were until we had some kind of settlement. I guess this fits in with that.
He sent me a spreadsheet titled "house items tracking." I didn't open it for a few days (48 hour rule for personal cool down time). I looked today and it's just a list of his stuff that he's taken. I asked him if he had a list of the other major items in the house so that we could discuss who would take what. He said he hadn't had time to work on it, but that I could go ahead and do it.
Thoughts on how to respond? I have a list but it's for my personal use, not for official negotiations. I want him to have to go through and make a list of everything so that he does the work on it.
I had not posted to you before, but have read your threads. You are doing so great with your GAL and living for yourself, it's amazing to hear. You also seem to have such a calm demeanor in the face of everything you are going through with your H. Amazing!
You asked about how to answer re. the list.
I understand the thinking behind wanting him to work on it. But the most important one now is you. So I ask you: Are you in a hurry to get the stuff separated? Would that benefit you?
If so, then I'd say go ahead and make a "shareable" version of your personal list and set up a time to go over it with H.
If you are in no hurry, then do absolutely nothing. But remember that your H may take a long time to get going - you cannot control that.
I will continue following your sitch. You are doing great and dealing with some really difficult stuff. I feel for you - In the last year I have had to do a lot of this ugly "administrative" and housekeeping things with H to separate our lives and it's emotionally draining.
Take care.
(((vera)))
Me & H: 44 D7, D6, S3 Together: 20y, M: 17y EA: 11/13/10, Sep: 12/23/10 EA becomes PA: Spring 2011 H filed for D: 09/06/12 D Negotiating began 2/15 OW seemingly gone on 3/15 Still negotiating D
Brit has a good point about contracts or agreements. Absent those, it makes sense to distinguish between utilities that are necessary to keep the house in good shape (water, electric, heating fuel, garbage collection) and personal or entertainment type bills. I'd put cable/internet in the latter pile and I might rather poke my eye out than suggest that P pay for those. But, then again, I have been known to be stubborn...
Hi KG, thanks for the kind words. I saw your new thread pop up but I'm not terribly familiar with your situation apart from how 25 has summarized it. I generally don't feel super helpful in situations where folks have issues with the X and kids. I'll take a look soon
Originally Posted By: keep_going
You asked about how to answer re. the list.
I understand the thinking behind wanting him to work on it. But the most important one now is you. So I ask you: Are you in a hurry to get the stuff separated? Would that benefit you?
If so, then I'd say go ahead and make a "shareable" version of your personal list and set up a time to go over it with H.
If you are in no hurry, then do absolutely nothing. But remember that your H may take a long time to get going - you cannot control that.
Well, the benefit to me in doing it sooner would be to get this bandaid off faster! You may have seen that I am exploring whether I can buy him out of our house so the more things that can get wrapped up in our property settlement, the faster, the better in terms of getting a resolution on that.
It just drives me nuts that he doesn't get how much work is required to separate lives. And, after complaining about how much he had to travel for work, he has spent the past 4-5 months jamming in as much travel as he can and then filling the rest of the time with "personal leisure" trips (certainly more than we ever did together) and then says he hasn't had time to work on this stuff. And then he wants me to agree to list the house ASAP because he doesn't want to lose out on money if we don't hit the market at the fall peak. But he's been gone so much he hasn't really lifted a finger to actually get the house ready. %*#*@*$!!!
Today is yet another pattern of ours - I do work on the house and he's off doing whatever with friends. So I'm annoyed right now. (The weekend we moved into the house, he went on a 5-day roadtrip with friends and left me in a house full of boxes). But to get the house appraised so that I can possibly take it over - I have to do it.
Sorry, that was a lot of complaining. I see your point - what's best for me? Am I in a hurry? I guess the sooner this gets done the sooner I could just move on, which is what I want.
Quote:
I will continue following your sitch. You are doing great and dealing with some really difficult stuff. I feel for you - In the last year I have had to do a lot of this ugly "administrative" and housekeeping things with H to separate our lives and it's emotionally draining.
That's a fair point. I will still run it by my L and see what he says. It does look like I can get a 12-month deal on cable/internet combined that, when I pay for it myself, will only about double what I'm paying for now (his work paid for our internet).
While he was here this morning, I noticed he had a new shirt. He showed it off, said he got it at a "boutique" near a friend's place and then also mentioned that he got his shorts there, too. He is really spending a good chunk of change on his new hipster-metrosexual wardrobe.
And to think that when we started dating I spent a long, long time convincing him that wearing holey, oversized shirts from middle school wasn't the best style choice. . . .
yep more detaching needed. Trust me I've watched H do all sorts of things that he never did when we was with me and then I remembered he did do those things in the beginning. And now he's back to wanting his own time more and more.
I agree with Keep_Going if you want to wait for things to happen when he will do them in the way you want them done then you'll be waiting a long long time. Part of the reason you split (I imagine) is that he didn't do things how you wanted (you mentioned him not putting time in the house) so that's not really going to change all of a sudden.
I don't agree with how my H lives his life, the choices he makes, how he pays bills, or what he spends his money on. But I have no control over that.
Ask yourself what you get out of making him put more work into the house and divorce proceedings.
He's doing even less of being responsible since you two separated I don't think that's going to change
