a new perspective

[strongerthanever]

I'm better now. Evening activities = work. Blah! I've worked myself into exhautsion. I've decided to skip out on class Mon night and relax with my girls.

What's up with this funk????

It would seem so much easier if they just dissapeared-moved out of state, divorced and started some crazy new life. Then we could grieve and move on ourselves.

But then that would be saying that our happiness is dependant upon their actions-which I know is not true or healthy. But still, you know what I mean. I guess closure is what I'm seeking here, a means to an end so that the healing and regrowth can begin.

Regrowth is evident within all of us, but the buds are so young, so fresh. And it's like the WAS just stomps on them with their random appearances. Can't we put a white picket fence around them for safe keeping-or is that just a pretty version of a wall.

I think it takes some SERIOUS detachment to not care if the fence is there or not, or to not even need a fence to begin with. I waffle in my mind lately between stay the hell away and I'm happy enough that I can be friends AND be ok.

I'm not 100% sure that either decision is right, as I wonder-if I push him away and focus on me, aren't I just hurting the future possibility of us OR if I allow cordial visits, won't it just stall my happiness and forward movement (his visits leave me all jacked up)? Stupid woman emotions messing with my decision making.

1 yr of brokeness + 8 months of separation and this is where I am. What the heck?!

I'm bringing a warm blanket for all of us tonight to curl up with. I think quiet time on the blanket is in order.