Thank you all very much for your support. It was much needed this week.
Today was probably one the hardest, yet one of the best days in my life.
I'll explain but it won't be short.
This week I fought the need.. the need to prove to my wife that she did not destroy me.. that I was a better person because of this.
I dyed my hair (a super rad look) and planned to buy the most bomb ass dress or rocker outfit. I asked people should I go classy or rockstar.
And thankfully my mom put me in check and said "honey.. you are still are making it about her".
She was completely right, so I started praying.. that I got over myself and that Saturday was not about showing my w about how great I was.. only to show her how great God was to me.
Last night I GALed the crap out of my night. I've turned into quite the little line dancer in the past year.
I decided to take my best friend with me today. She's knows W and I just wasn't sure what was going to happen.
It started off quiet. I wasn't really in the mood for small talk. Then she started asking me questions and I told her about my boat movie, working with Eliza Dushku, etc.
She told me she tried rocking climbing and when she finished, she thought that "I wish I could share this with her".
I said nothing.. but knew I was getting into trouble.
After the bank, we went to AAA. There came a point where someone asked if we were related... she answered no.
That comment made me step outside. That plus the small talk was really taking a toll. I prayed hard.. "please god.. help me make this about you.. not me".
Went back in - She asked how I was doing. I didn't reply. The following is what ensued. I'm not really sure of the order.
W: I know it's hard M: It's not signing the papers that is hard.. it's the not talking and not being part of your life and although I have come to accept it... it is still hard. W: I don't know how we can be in each others lives. Do you? M: I know that God gives us choices. Just like I choose how I am talking to you right now, I have the choice to make you a part of my life. I can't tell you how.. only that you have to figure it out with God. W: I guess I don't know my truth when it comes to you. M: Have faith, trust in God.. you'll figure it out.
She struggled some more.. we are signing papers. She is trying to breathe through it.... And even though she chose this, even though my life has been so hard for the last 16 months.. my heart broke for her.
And in that moment I made a choice. One not based out of co-dependency but out of love.
M: U okay? W: I'm sad. It's a loss. You're a loss.
She makes small talk about buying cowboy boots. She asked to see my tattoo. I validate her and congratulate her on trying new things. Overcoming her fears. I start the signing the paperwork.
W: I'm sorry. I'm sorry I couldn't make it work. M: ...... (I put my arm around her and pull her close) W: Thank you for loving me. M: Anytime (with a cute smile) W: I'm sorry I couldn't let it in.
The papers signed we walk back to the car. She continues to ask about my family. I tell her about my sister and how I have made amends with my mom.
We get back to the car.
W: You know.. I'm not gone. M: Maybe so.. but I can't do this. I don't want to call it wishy washy - but I can't do the little check ins. It's hurts too much right now. But I do hope that one day we can be back in each other's lives.
W: Well let's just see how where our journey's take us. Maybe our paths will cross again.. or maybe not.
M: Perhaps. My path is in God's hand's now. He knows what's best for me.
We hugged deeply and I said goodbye. I cried a bunch in the car. I expected a bunch of feelings.. but never the one I actually felt.
But that is part 2.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
