"“I need you to get off of work an hour early on Friday! Babysitter is watching the kids and she has to leave for her other job an hour early”"
Next time just tell her that you're going to have to see if you can do that. When she says "I need you..." It is demanding. She needs to 'ask' you not demand.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
I don't know Ad, you've turned a blind eye to his "secret motivations" by choice, and now you're feeling that your DB efforts have been ineffective WRT influencing H, even though you clearly really appreciate what they've done for you.
As we've seen on so many threads here, if his secret is that he's "in love" with someone else then you had no chance at all to draw him back to you regardless of how well you DB'd -- all you could do is tread water and not make things worse, and you've done that.
I identify with you and how you think in many ways, but one way we are significantly different is that I could not let the question of his secret reasons go unresolved. I admire you for having that self control, but I also think you are struggling to understand something that could be made clear.
Originally Posted By: Adinva
Why do I want to win back an H that doesn't miss or want an emotional connection?
I have spent more time thinking about this than I like to admit. I think what it comes down to is romantic love and chemistry -- something no one claims to understand the source of. You cannot will yourself to be attracted to someone, and sadly you can't will yourself to being unattracted to someone either. That's why detachment is so hard -- you can't just wake up and convince yourself that you are no longer attracted to your spouse.
Here's the thing -- if you look at how they look, act, and treat you now, you probably would NOT be attracted to them if you could see them with a stranger's eyes.
I think when you fall in love as a young person and decide to marry, you fall in love with the person, the "idea of the person", and the potential the person represents for you. Over time, your feelings are colored by the "idea of the person" that you retain, the potential of what the person can represent to you, as well as your accumulated joint happy memories. Therefore you see them as a package, the sum of which is greater than the individual parts.
I think that's how it works anyway. When I look at W I don't see a 45 year old woman, I see the 28 year old woman I met, the mother of my children, the person I shared my honeymoon and some great vacations with, the person I moved into our first house with etc, and I'm as much in love with that package as I am in love with the person.
That's why I think we want to "win back" our undeserving WAS -- you love the potential that exists to forge an emotional connection with this guy -- you believe that if he does eventually "get it" it will be wonderful, and it's somehow attractive to pursue that even in the face of terrible adversity.
Accuray _________________________ Married 16, Together 18 M: 43, W: 45, D: 13, S: 11, D: 7 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Good Piecing 9/11 - 6/12 ILYBINILWY (again) 7/12 Working on what comes next...
I know I keep quoting your stuff. But this Sh!t is me to a tee!!!! I COULD NOT AGREE MORE. Sh!t, thank you so much for expressing how I feel!!!! It [censored]!n hurts...
Yeah, That stuff above is the way I feel as well. It' s just a shame the WAS doesn't seem to see it that way.
Freshman Class of 2012
M-49 W-42 1D-10 T 10 YEARS M 9 YEARS EA/MLC 07/2010 Separation 28/05/2012 PA confirmed 31/07/12 W Asked for D 31/07/12 D on and off the table since then
So my wife has called and left me a vm, she also texted me a couple times. Very insignificant messages. Not overtures but nothing important and I didn’t respond. I must say, it was nice not responding and believe it or not, it wasn’t that hard!!!!
I actually took a break from this board for a whopping two days, and that in itself gave me a minor sense of detachment. The last TWO days I’ve been ok without my W, I am sure that will probably change. Yeah this is a lot of ups and downs but the last couple days I’ve been fine without her. Which in a sad, sorry and sick kinda way, makes me feel good. In a way, I wish I had more days like this.
I can fake detaching as much as I want but until it becomes “true detachment” I feel there’s a good chance W will see right through it. It’s gotta be real.
Sounds like you're getting this right mate. I do understand how you feel about it. As much as I want to be next to her, when we are, it just feels so strange. When I'm away and I know we're going to meet soon I get anxiety attacks, my stomach gets all knotted up and for some reasons, I'm very apprehensive.
It's just that right now, with it being the Muslim holiday, no one is working and since I have custody of my D8, W is around a lot and I just have nowhere to go so we are in close proximity.
It's not all bad, Yesteday we actually had a great family day and usually after such a step forward, I get sh@t on for a few days but today, she's here again and she even proposed a day trip as a family. Fortunately (or unfortunately), D8 didn't feel like sitting in the car driving out of town and she said so (she wanted to go to one of the local fairs with games and all).
I don't want to read too much into this because, OM is now on holiday with his family so W is alone and this might be the only reason she wants to hang around but still, it's nice when things are good but at any moment, I expect she'll turn and give me a taste of her venom.
Bottom line, I understand how you feel in your present detached state.
Keep it up if it works for you.
Cheers,
Freshman Class of 2012
M-49 W-42 1D-10 T 10 YEARS M 9 YEARS EA/MLC 07/2010 Separation 28/05/2012 PA confirmed 31/07/12 W Asked for D 31/07/12 D on and off the table since then
I can fake detaching as much as I want but until it becomes “true detachment” I feel there’s a good chance W will see right through it. It’s gotta be real.
Real detachment will be when you accept that W is gone. You will get excited about being able to forge an excellent relationship with YOURSELF.
Thanks Arsene. That’s great W mentioned the idea of doing something. Your right, you can’t read into it too much but that’s still really good!!! It sounds like we feel similar around our W’s. I saw my W yesterday for just a couple minutes during our “kid’s exchange”. After it was over I overanalyzed the encounter. I seem to have a history of doing this. I probably should have asked W a couple questions but I just seem to almost freeze in a way. Don’t get me wrong, I think I act “OK”. I threw the football on the lawn with my kids and all the neighbor kids, my son jumped on my back for a piggy back ride and W got to see me interact with our kids as they were laughing and having fun. I kept a smile on my face the entire time. Once again, the only thing I should have done differently is asked W a couple questions about her. Oh well, there’s always another time.
While writing this post I think it’s evident that I haven’t truly detached. It’s frustrating because I know it would make me feel better however turning the “detachment light” on/off within a couple month isn’t realistic when you’ve been with someone for 15 years! It was great seeing my kids for the weekend, it really helps get my mind off my sitch.
Time to forge ahead, keep my head up and stay strong.
Thanks Arsene. That’s great W mentioned the idea of doing something. Your right, you can’t read into it too much but that’s still really good!!! It sounds like we feel similar around our W’s. I saw my W yesterday for just a couple minutes during our “kid’s exchange”. After it was over I overanalyzed the encounter. I seem to have a history of doing this. I probably should have asked W a couple questions but I just seem to almost freeze in a way. Don’t get me wrong, I think I act “OK”. I threw the football on the lawn with my kids and all the neighbor kids, my son jumped on my back for a piggy back ride and W got to see me interact with our kids as they were laughing and having fun. I kept a smile on my face the entire time. Once again, the only thing I should have done differently is asked W a couple questions about her. Oh well, there’s always another time.
While writing this post I think it’s evident that I haven’t truly detached. It’s frustrating because I know it would make me feel better however turning the “detachment light” on/off within a couple month isn’t realistic when you’ve been with someone for 15 years! It was great seeing my kids for the weekend, it really helps get my mind off my sitch.
Time to forge ahead, keep my head up and stay strong.
True detachment, is when you accept there is "NO US", in you and your wife. And you are taking as good care of yourself, as you where your relationship. You do it not to get the spouse back, but for to give yourself the best shot at life that you can. If W decides that you are a great option, and wants to come home. Great. If W decides, she doesn't want to come home, Great. That's what DB'ing, 180, GAL is all about.
Over the years I’ve always wondered what it would be like to live on a sailboat. I’ve wanted to do some serious costal or offshore sailing but haven’t had the opportunity. I know it’s a longshot and I probably won’t do it however it’s a tough thing to stop dreaming about. Probably better for me to dream of sailing versus my revolving thoughts around my sitch (Which is the case most of the time).
I took a couple sailing classes years ago and I am confident I could learn how. I am not trying to piss the W off but our marriage would surely be doomed if I went out and bought a sailboat so I should probably hold off for now, as much fun as it sounds.
