Going Dark; Not Sure I Have The Strength

[NASCARDaddy]

Yesterday I had a quite enlightening talk with my W. She said to me that she knew that I hoped that she would change so that I could come home because she talks to the same people that I talk to (not sure who that would be since the only two people I have said that to are my bishop and my therapist and as far as I know she is not speaking to either of them). The she went into her usual comments about how she had changed and that did not include taking me back. But then she said something that she has never said before and that I wished I had caught and commented on at the time. She asked me "why would you want to come home anyway?" I missed that at the time because she jumped right in with asking me if I had even told my brother that we were getting divorced.

However, the more I think about it the more I am beginning to feel that statement actually has some significance in understanding where her mind is at right now. Before she was at the "I hate you" and "everything is your fault" stage that she is in now she told me that she felt that our marriage was not working because she had done things in her past that she had never told me about and that because of those things she did not feel worthy to be my wife. Now I could be reading too much into her statement (one of the drawbacks to have been a cop and having been trained as a lawyer is that you are always looking for clues to what people are thinking in what they say and do) but I have began to wonder if all the anger is just to cover for the fact that she still feels guilty for what happened and that she is trying to push me away because she doesn't feel like I could love her after that.