To Lovingly Detach

[25yearsmlc]

Interesting evening. W had told D8 that she was coming today (but again, no time was given) so this pm, me and D8 went to the pool and I told D8 to text her mom to let her know.

W text me back thanking me for informing her, but still no info on when she would come.

So what? She did NOT promise she'd come to the pool or when. And you swam anyhow, right? And that's a good thing. Who knows what your w's work or transportation sitch is and what else is happening. Maybe she's shopping or looking for more gigs or is depressed.

We don't and cannot know so we live the only lives WE control, ours...


!8:30, D8 and I are having dinner, W shows up

so she did keep her word. Good, right? B/C She said she MIGHT go to the pool and you imply she failed, again, when she did not. But making snarky remarks about her finally showing up or NOT showing up at the pool - I don't think that helps you make the changes you say you want to make.

(interestingly enough, not wearing OM's ring and wearing my necklace - I actually had to chuckle).


well, we can hope she did not notice your glee. This is a sign of her confusion. Accept that graciously, and privately, as a gift of hope.


I was pleasant with W and offered her some food, she hadn't eaten so we ate together and had pleasant enough small talk.

Good. Simple pleasures, no conflict. Good.


After dinner, we went outside on the front porch because D8 wanted to play "super heroes". Me and D8 horse-played for a bit while W just sat there watching us. My mood was ever so slightly affected when i saw her motorcycle helmet on the porch, which meant she had probably been dropped off by OM.


It does NOT help you to go there. It shows, believe me, and she sees it. She sees the criticism and the judgement in you that she fled, which you admitted to exuding for years. Avoid it. Don't go there.


Then we stopped playing and I decided to leave them alone for a bit and went in to play my guitar.

At one point, D8 came in to ask if she could go for some errands with the neighbour and their kids. She said W had agreed so I walked her out and said goodbye. W was still sitting on the front porch. D8 left, I stayed out for a few seconds but no conversations were started so I just went back in, leaving W alone on the front porch.

10 minutes later, W came in telling me she would go. I simply said ok and went back to my guitar. She then asked if she could borrow my bicycle because hers was still at her old boarding house. I agreed and went back to my guitar. She then mentioned that she would try to come back the following day (Idul Fitri - end of holy month of Ramadan).

She knew that me and D8 are going to celebrate with friends and I told her I'd let her know when we were on our way back. She said it didn't matter, that she would probably be here anyway because she had nowhere else to go (I felt like inviting her but i didn't). I went back to my guitar. W left.

it's debatable as to whether you should or could have invited her. Okay, you COULD have, but should you? I can't say. I lean towards saying no only b/c I want you to NOT pursue,

so it's not for the reasons you say. You let your anger seep into choices way too much and you get some support for that from angry posters, but don't.

Just know there's a difference, a line, between setting a healthy boundary for YOUR protection, and letting your hurt/false pride talk for you. Find that line.

I have to admit that I feel bad for her, she looked dejected. I guess that OM is spending the holiday with his family so she's on her own for the holiday. Must be tough.


I bet it iS tough. She left a grumpy guy who ignored her for years, for a romantic attentive guy, whom she thought might be the "REAL LOVE" of her life...only to find out he has a lot of baggage, at best.

Also, this
Must be the reality of having an affair with a married man. She is owed and promised nothing from him.

Perhaps that's why she did not wear his ring.

That is the cost of her choice which you did not cause, nor thank God, point out.

On the other hand, I feel pretty good about myself. I didn't have to try too hard to act "as if". It came quite naturally. I did make a bit of an effort to be pleasant though,

Good^^ stuff, but to be clear, acting "as if" INCLUDES being pleasant. Do you get that?

I guess I'm not clear on your usage of these terms here. ALWAYS be pleasant to her.
Esp in your sitch, b/c (sorry Arsene, truly but you were a bit of a self absorbed jerk to her for a long time).

It's easy to forget our own role in the situation when we are LBSers who find out about affairs. We rush to point out how WRONG THEY ARE b/c of the affair....

But we still have to own OUR stuff. That duty never goes away.

You ignored her and your d, for years, you dumped all the house work and child care on your wife except for math, and per her, AND PER YOU, you yelled and criticized a lot. Sounds super fun.

Your wife stayed til she thought she felt nothing for you - which OM helped her with. If he's a jerk now, or just absent, and you are NOT, then you may get a second chance for real.

Don't blow it with old habits and a wounded ego.



and I hope it gave her something to think about, and I think that for now, that is who I'll be with her. I guess it's what people around here call "dim", is it?

Not sure of your term usage again. "Dim"? Um, that's about not initiating any contact unless it's related to the children. Not sure how it works at the moment in your sitch but I would not pursue her.

Thing is you want your time with her, at her initiation, to be warm and to contrast it with your prior behaviors. (The real goal of getting her back, only happens if she thinks life with you can be better/different than before. Don't forget that.)

"For now", you think "that's who" you'll be...? You mean warm, politely concerned but detached? I hope so...

I think what you want to do is what I call contrasting the life she can have with OM, which may mean no "family holidays" or open r time, or stability or fidelity, and societal condemnation,

with a life at a warm, loving home, with stability, financially and emotionally, her child, and the loving father of her child and partner in life.

My DB coach was excellent. A real Godsend and they are all solution based counselors who speak w/detailed and specific advice. Of all the many things I did in my sitch- my DB coach gave me the most to work with to change how I saw things and how I interacted. I hope you can hire one. It's cheaper than divorce.

ANYHOW, God bless her,

she said to "Contrast the world my h was living in on the wild adventurous tundra (which is also bitingly cold and barren) ,

with a warm loving home (in a sunny place) where his children and wife lived, and laughed, and learned, and grew... and would welcome him home if he was willing to try."

Same for you. Contrast the life she SEEMS to think she wants,

(which she is discovering on her own, maybe isn't so great)

with a new, BETTER THAN BEFORE life, with you.

Focus on showing that the changes you are making are REAL AND LASTING and that you won't revert to the old grumpy "Arsene the constant critic" if she returns.

She fears that, I know. And she can't take it anymore.

So if you are going to throw the affair in her face or hold it over her head, or go back to your old ways as soon as she returns,

I say let her go now.

But if you love her for HER, and want her back AND not just b/c she has an OM, then focus on showing your changes and doing your work.

Now I just re-read this and I feel horrible. It's not the sort of thing one wishes for the one they love. What does she expect? You cant walk all over people and then have them be nice to you? This isn't easy, is it?

We don't know what she expects from you. Probably a lot of dashed expecations from her marriage for years...

And Is she really "walking all over you" right now?

I mean legally, She has the right, in her country, to full custody and money from you.
You could get squat if she were "walking all over you".

But she's waffling on how much shared custody and asking nothing of you financially, b/c she knows you love your d and she loves you and she wants to hurt neither of you. AND

You think she's wrong to expect you to be nice to her?

Wow...okay that says something.

To me, that's the saddest part of your note. That you think being nice to her is too much for her to expect, and that it took so much effort all while saying it was easy. I'm confused. It's wrong for her to expect you to be polite to her

(which is all you were to her, b/c any stranger arriving at dinner time would be offered food - and you did nothing beyond that for her...)

and this expectation of hers, is wrong-

despite years of your behavior of curt rudeness and overt criticism of her people, her land, her customs, and herself, and a lousy temper to boot.

Think again.

You feel guilt that she's sad. That's okay b/c it's not true guilt; its compassion.

Practice it and embrace it even when it's not fun or comfortable.

Show her THAT guy...let her fall in love with you again.