To Lovingly Detach

[25yearsmlc]

Hi Alka and 25,

I see what you mean about the "size" of my goals. However, there are only 3 goals listed there, the rest is how I can spot improvements towards the goals, the baby steps mentioned at the top of page 86. I guess the goals listed as 1, 2 and 3 are the ultimate goals and the items listed bellow them are the "doable signposts of change towards the ultimate goal". Maybe I'm getting this part wrong. I'll read it over again and try to reformulate my goals to be more achievable for now.

Good. Otherwise it's a recipe for you to get frustrated and possibly show it. NOT helpful.

Thanks for your input. Any thoughts about the recent development and conflict over D8?

You mean her wanting more time with her d? That's a good thing, btw. OR do you mean how YOU see their interactions?

I'm thinking about going dark/dim on W and as a 180, simply not interfere with/talk about her interaction with D8 in any way.


why did you think you could ever "interfere" with that? Interesting word choice too. I mean, if you are now realizing that you are not in charge of THEIR R, or their time, I'm glad it's finally happened. Not sure what you mean by going dim.

Of course You are not in charge or control of their r and you never were. But I want to be fair and I don't know what you mean. Have you been telling your w what you think of their activities? Don't.


Let's face it, there is really nothing I can do anyway and when I voice my disagreement, she goes defensive and this creates more negative feelings between us.

YES THAT^^^ IS CLEARLY TRUE, so it's back to the STFU... and ask yourself why you assume your r is so much better with your d, than your wife's.

I mean, is it really? Why do you say that? And leave out OM for now.

Just an interesting thing though, last night, she asked me to let her know when me and D8 would go to the pool and said she might join us sometime. Should I? In my present frame of mind, I don't think so but... ???

should YOU what? If YOU were planning on going to the pool with d8, then go. It's up to your w if SHE wants to join you. Do not change your previously made plans with d8 b/c you think/fear/hope your wife will join you.

Do not change a thing anticipating what SHE will/will not do. It's a recipe for disaster and dashed hopes/expectations, that you should not have now anyhow.

She says she is done. Even though we tell you not to believe her, you have to act as if you do believe her.

If your w wants to swim (b/c she's hot and misses her d???) then so be it if you can handle that time around her. Read NOTHING into it. Nothing.

But don't go BECAUSE you hope she does and then get sad b/c she doesn't. YOUR D FEELS THAT sadness from you, and then she knows she's not enough for you, and she cannot fix that. Be happy w/your d.

And don't NOT go b/c you fear it. Just do what you planned to do with your d.

Keep your word to your d, now more than ever.