After 18 months - H is finally filing.

[keep_going]

So here is the status with my legal sitch...

H originally wanted mediation so I asked him to bring me a proposal - this was when our S was born. His financial proposal was ridiculous. He wanted to split kids expenses 50/50 and no alimony for me. He even wanted me to split certain expenses like gas and food to separate what was the kids portion and what was mine. It was laughable.

I told him I wanted to follow the formula and be fair (I had already consulted a lawyer). I said I didn't want more, but would not accept less because that was the only way I could stay at home and be a full time mom for my kids now that they are so young.
(My H has a good income and I could make it work. It would be tight but I don't care - I just want to be with my kids. They are really struggling with all of this).

I re-assured H I would go back to work once our S started school, but that I had learned from my mistakes in our M and I would not neglect my family anymore because of work. He keeps saying "you worked before, even with the kids, why can't you work now?" He says I am being unfair, that I unilaterally decided to stop working and that it is affecting our financial sitch and the financial goals we had for our kids' future.

I gave him the number he would have had to pay at that time based on the L's calculations. Since I was not working and H was really not spending more than 15% of his time with the kids at that time, the number was really high. H freaked out. He even said in an email "After all you have hurt me, I wished you could at least leave me with some dignity."

He then returned demanding 50/50 custody. I obviously thought it was all financially motivated, since he had not expressed any interest for more time with the kids before then (he was partying and traveling with OW a lot last year).

We also started having a lot of disagreements about exposure to OW.

I consulted L again earlier this year and she suggested we tried to work out custody issues with a counselor, which we did. We worked out a "temporary" custody arrangement we currently follow.

He now has kids about 35% of the time and I have them about 65%.
Counselor (and two other therapists I consulted on my own) have said that because my S is an infant (just turned 1) and we have two young girls as well, that they didn't recommend 50/50 custody for now. The kids need stability and if we go 50/50 and I go back to work, that would not be good for them. They said they recommend going to a 50/50 split in a few years when S starts school.

My H doesn't agree. Because he is now serious with OW, he feels capable of handling the time demands (with her help) and that kids need him as much as me. This is tough because they DEFINITELY need him, but since he works, it's likely that any added time he gets, the kids would most likely spend it with OW and if that is the case, then I think they are better off spending it with me.

So we don't agree on custody - he wants 50/50 now and I want to follow the experts' advice and gradual approach.
We don't agree on the money - I want to follow formula, he wants to split kids' expenses and no alimony. I want to stay home with the kids for now, he wants me to go back to work now.
We don't agree on degree of exposure to OW - I want to wait until after D for overnights and attending kids' activities, he wants her full participation now.


To me these are big, HUGE differences. I have pointed them out to H and asked how he can possibly think we can use mediator or even collaboration. His reply - "I don't think we are that far apart."

Yes, collaborative would be cheaper IF IT WORKS...but if we don't come up with an agreement, we then have to start all over again, hire new lawyers and spend even more money (which we don't have anyways. As it is, we will need to borrow $ for this D - whichever route we go.

So my gut feeling has been - forget collaborative, just go traditional route and make sure to keep it fair.

The bottom line to me is - I don't want to fight with H and I told him so. I added that it is up to both of us to not do so, regardless of which process we choose.

But can I really guarantee I won't fight if I feel he is going against the well-being of my children? Chances are I will...
And if I know him as I do, he will do as well if he thinks I am going against what he thinks is the well-being of the kids.

yuk... I hate Divorce!