Yep - We're similar in several ways, but I at least got a warning before the face-to-face -> "The kids and I are moving out" (5/12). I don't often like taking advice from others, but I took some advice from my sister and asked my W for 1 year. We'll do counseling to resolve any differences and hopefully part ways as friends. My W said no. She couldn't live another year like this (sleeping in the living room or being under the same roof as me) and she knew that counseling would give me false hope.
I started saving money where I could on the side after that and it helped some.
As for my story it's not much different than anyone else. There was a slow deterioration in the relationship brought on by both of us and various competing factors for about a year leading up to MLC. Then following my childish behavior ( silent treatment ) after an argument over a last minute change in vacation plans that she'd known about for a few months and told me hours before departure, kicked off the fun times (7/10). Took me less than a day to know I was wrong and should have been more forth-coming about why I was upset. I spent the whole vacation trying to make amends and she spent almost a year not saying more than 3-4 words to me at any given time from that vacation on. She dropped the ILYBINILWY stuff several months in.
This last year, year 2, I'd been zoned in on researching MLC since my SIL had mentioned to me that she believed my W was going through it. It helped me cope and it helped me stop worrying nightly and as I pulled back I saw that our relationship was improving. I thought we were going forward in a positive direction and I worked on maintaining a relaxed and accepting approach to my W and not a needy one. I guess it didn't work.
As for the EA/OM (2010), I don't know if there's a PA going on and I don't much think about it. He's nothing to me. He farts at the dinner table regularly, curses at his kids, can't stop reliving his glory years (Al Bundy) and bragging about who he "knows", gets uncomfortably confrontational when served vegetables with his food and my kids don't like him.
What he has is a broken heart that my W has seen as a cause to fight for. He is also first in line to defend her against S12 when S12 is trying to tell his mom how he feels. So making him happy perhaps is what she thinks will give her happiness and he shows signs of appreciating and valuing her.
That's the long and short of it. Is there a PA? Maybe, but I can't stop thinking that he would be constantly farting in bed and think it's funny to my W. Either way, I'm not losing sleep over it. I do know I have a larger set of qualities that far out weigh what he brings to the table and those are the strong qualities that brought my W and I together years ago. He doesn't have those qualities, he has some different ones, but he's by no means my match. I'm interested in learning and adapting to new things and have no idea where tomorrow takes me, but I welcome it.
I used to be afraid that letting go meant we'd be lost forever, but then part of reconciling is learning about each other all over again as the people you've become and not what we were. It's easy to say that, but I know deep inside that I'm still afraid.
I haven't always been a great guy. I've always been a nice guy and wanted to make people happy vs unhappy with me, but my emotional detachment meant that up until my wife, the longest relationship I'd ever had as a little over a year. I monitored my relationships based on whether or not sex alone was worth putting up with people. When I met my W, or I should say started dating, she was never like the others. I respected her and wanted to live up to her expectations. Nobody had ever been like that for me and I took a lot of good/bad people for granted because of that.
I gave up a lot for her, but I know now it isn't what I gave up, it's how I failed to communicate. I believe MLC was pre-determined for my W, but I know I could have done a better job over the years. I feel pretty good about what I've learned so far so I look forward to tomorrow regardless.
Interestingly enough, I don't know if my W is roping me back in on anything at any given point. I know when she's angry at me. It's visible in her texts, in person and on the phone. She knows I'm hurt based on my actions, or lack of actions in regards to her. She's very aware that I do not look at her or when I don't even acknowledge her presence 2 feet away from me when I'm addressing the kids. It's not healthy for them and that's why I'm having a hard time with not fighting so hard to get past my anger and hurt.
I do like talking to her on the phone on occasion. I'm dark, so communication is 99% initiated by her - literally 99%. I like the sound of her voice when I don't detect the anger. I've noticed I have no sense of humor anymore when talking to her on the phone. I have a gigantic sense of humor and love to laugh, but I suppose I took that away from her along with being best friends. I just don't feel amused when around her. What usually ends the call every time is when she starts saying things as though she's thinking of my best interests or doing me a favor. I stop talking anymore at that point. Not complete silence, I just offer nothing more than simple responses if any to whatever she's saying at the time. I can tell, when she's not angry, that she notices the call is coming to an end very soon. She's not interested in what's best for me and it irritates me to no end to hear her sound as though she believes she's looking out for me. I don't know, I'm still thinking about it on occasion. You can choose to be angry all you want, but you can't be angry 100% of the time, even in MLC-mode. When she's "softer" towards me, I simply chalk it up to her having had a good day at work or wherever she was. I "choose" to be the same every time - Indifferent. As if all is fine with my world, but no indication of joy or frustration, only smiles for my boys.
As for my presence her today, today I hate my W. I don't like the weight of such a word as 'hate', but she is guilty of an ultimate crime......
Last night S12 was out with friends and S6 and I were together. He hates taking showers, but I win out on that argument 100% of the time. He was crying and whining as usual and I was my normal calm self, knowing I was going to get my way anyway. He was complaining about not liking to take showers upstairs because he always feels alone. I've heard this before, even when my W was still living at home, but the tone was different last night. I told him I would go grab my school book and sit in the bathroom and read while he took a shower so he wouldn't be by himself.
When I got back up stairs he was still crying and i sat down to listen. He said he couldn't tell me, that I'd get mad. I told him he should never feel uncomfortable about talking to me and that I would be happy to hear whatever he has to say. He told me he hated divorce and that his mom moved out. He said divorce scared him because he felt that he was going to be left alone.
S6 is one of the happiest kids I know. S12 has always been someone who broods and can be moody so I'm used that. But S6 is different. He's an energy all in itself and when he cried last night, in that way, it was more different than anything I'd ever heard from him. I felt his heart in a way I took for granted that I'd never see and I saw his hurt.
I can see that S6 and I grew closer last night after that. I can see it. I'm thankful for the opportunity to be the best example I can be for my boys, but I hate my W right now. I do not wish her any harm, but right now I'm placing full blame on her.
There are a lot of unsaid weekly things in my postings of things that don't need to be said, because we've ALL lived/heard them. So knowing what I know, regardless of MLC, I hate my W today. I want very badly to wake up to tomorrow.
