14 Months Secret Separation: talking mediation

[adinva]

Acc, I think the most important thing you mentioned is being open to the kinds of love you're saying are essential in a marriage.

They should all be there at least some of the time, but sometimes they're not. If you're open to repairing things that are lacking, you're partly there. If you try and you just don't feel it can be repaired, then I guess it is over.

I would not stay in a marriage with someone who told me they would never feel attracted to me again if I believed that was true. I think people's minds go all over the place in a crisis and it's possible to say never and be wrong.

I would not stay in or have gotten into a marriage with only sexual attraction.

The spark thing is still difficult for me to get. To build the love that got us married with kids, I thought H looked nice first, then he spoke and I thought he was funny and smart, and along the way the more I got to know him the positives outweighed the negatives. We found more compatibility over time. We spent time getting to know each other, we liked being together more and more, and so love built on experiences. At any point I might have ruled him out if I saw something in him that overshadowed his more attractive qualities.

So just because someone is nice-looking there isn't spark that could vanish if they open their mouth and are crass or have gross teeth.

It was more like I saw snowflakes coming down and almost all of them stuck and then without having seen it happen the ground was covered in snow. No 'spark' but an accumulation of many ideas, images, and experiences that to me all spoke of someone I believed was a good life partner for me.