Well last night's call was another 'good' one. W and I talked for a little over an hour, which was great seeing that she was getting over a terrible migraine from earlier in the day.
As usual, the majority of the conversation was her catching me up on the things going on in her life: her job hunt, fantasy football, etc.
We spent about 20 minutes going through, step by step, the open enrollment process for health insurance. This was the only negative part of the conversation... She brought up the fact that she was uncomfortable with me paying for her health insurance, but as soon as she got a job I could take her off... I told her I wasn't so sure it would be that easy, and she pointed out the "Life Changes" section and said "See it lets you take me off for life changes like having a baby, legal separation and divorce"
So although she wasn't bringing it up as a request, it was the first time I'd heard her say either of those words or phrases, and the first time I heard her say that those might be in the future... But In all honesty, it's a stretch to get overly worked up about this, so I'm not!
As before, I had a goal list in mind about this conversation, and I'm proud to say that I was able to tick off just about every box. The one thing I had a problem with was keeping the conversation on her.
Now it wasn't at all from lack of trying. She'd got me all caught up on the latest happenings but still didn't seem to want to get off the phone... so she began asking me about what was going on in my life. The first time she asked, I said "a bunch actually, but tell me about XYZ".. So she went into that for a bit, but as soon as she was done, it was back to "So what's going on with you?"
I tried to stay vague, telling her I have a bunch of new job opportunities, doing a bunch of freelance writing, and taking the dog out on "puppy play-dates". I feel I went into a little bit too much detail, especially about the job/raise situation, but I didn't want to be rude and not answer her direct questions.
When she asked What I was doing this weekend, I WAS able to stay very vague, as I told her it was all up in the air as I was trying to figure out which plan I wanted to follow...
Once again, we ended on a good note, with her thanking me for chatting and me doing the same. I texted her a few minutes later, as is the ritual, telling her I'd received the confirmation email from our Insurance that she'd done everything right, saying it was nice to hear from her and i'm glad that she's doing so well.
Then, again as is tradition, the sadness crept in... I spent some time analyzing the conversation, wondering what this phrase or that word meant...
Then I remembered what a waste of time that kinda stuff is, so I texted a few friends to see if anyone was available for a chat that late on a Friday night. Thankfully, a few friends were available and I spent another hour or so chatting with them, doing a little venting over missing W and the like...
Fell asleep on the couch watching TV and woke up too early with that sad/empty feeling that accompanies these good conversations. But it doesn't seem to be quite as bad as usual... So I hope it'll fade quickly.
I initiated contact a couple times last week, and I won't be doing that again for a while. The good part about that is I'm not doing it to try to get a reaction out of her, like I used to. Instead, I just need some time to not worry about when/how/if she'll respond... Need to keep focusing on Me and bettering myself... Need to get out and GAL a little this weekend (although i'm pretty broke, so that might be tough!)
So while I WANT so badly to send her another email, another text, give her a call to see how she's feeling today (as the days after a migraine for her are never too good either) I know I need to pull back more and detach... not to try to pull her closer, but to keep my sanity in tact and continue to detach...
There are no more pressing issues that we need to deal with like the health-insurance thing... so there are no excuses for either of us to contact the other except to "catch up"... So it's time to get back to my goals full-force and stop wondering what she's doing, thinking, feeling, when she'll call etc. Time to work on being the best me I can be... but damn I still want to call her so bad!
