Hello! 20 year marriage teetering on the brink...

[25yearsmlc]

Dear Another,

I agree with Cadet that you MUST detach so you don't appear needy or constantly obsess about what

she is feeling, thinking, planning or doing.

I also think rejecting Dobson's "teach them a lesson" approach was brave & smart of you, AND in alignment with this site's core philosophy.

It's not an easy choice, I know. I had long internal debates on that myself

But the two approaches are not compatible and it irks me a bit to see it occasionally pushed here, when this is NOT the same belief system. So, good for you!

Back to your situation, your wife's moods or feelings cannot dictate your life or your children's.

Yet There are many positives in your sitch, such as the fact that there probably isn't an OM, (and if there is, she's not ready to come out with him and declare she's "finally in real love.") Also she's pretty pleasant to you, comparatively speaking (around here she could be seen as saintly for a WAW).

Also SHE is moving out, NOT you, which maximizes the changes for her, not you and not the kids. That's great.

While I don't like the term "Mid life crisis" much b/c it tends to make people think there is more hope than there might be, which I don't understand as there's no empirical data supporting that, that I know of,

AND

b/c a whole bunch of assumptions go with that term that are NOT that accurate.

Notwithstanding my comments, she fits the bill so far.

The big tip off to me is the unusual step she's willing to take, to leave the kids with you. That is very unusual for a WAW, b/c most women who leave, leave their h's, not their families.

That's a flag of someone in crisis if ever there was one. The other option in my opinion if she's not in crisis/depression

is that perhaps she resented you for doing nothing as a co parent or partner to her.

In her eyes it sounds as if she sees you as basically acting like a single guy w/no bad habits but a lot of hobbies he did without family AND who worked full time, who popped in for his "daddy fix" and making love when you felt like it, and did little to nothing around the house or with the kids.

Since you admitted in passing, that it's a total 180 for you.

Meaning, she has been doing all that AND working full time all this time?

Dang...that's a lot to dump on one person who gave birth 3 times and it's a lot to

do to ignore and bury/hide yourself in hobbies that don't include family members.

I dont' mean to bash you here, but do you see how SHE could perceive your level of effort as being awfully low and, forgive me, but, pretty self absorbed?

So, She may be exhausted and feeling completely worn out emotionally and physically and neglected in many ways...AND OR

She may be very angry and the problem for some of us women is, many women don't "get" our anger.

We convert it into resentment and then let love seep away...we are not comfortable expressing anger b/c we associate that with the shrill shrew or fisherman's wife yelling at her h.

Many women do not express anger in a direct way. And it can build in all sorts of converted ways and it can kill a lot of loving feelings.

MAYBE that's why the mc said what she said. B/C Women tend to stay if there's a shred of hope left in them and they only leave when they feel there is zero hope left...which is why I wish they'd talk about leaving BEFORE there was "nothing left" so their h's could wake up.

My fil was abandoned by his 2nd wife and frankly, he more or less deserved it. But he didn't see it coming. And it floored him. Which broke my heart.

Took him years to find someone else and he IS happy now but he's also vastly improved as a partner. He was in his 60s then, so I know people can and do change.

All is NOT lost with your sitch b/c

I do think she'll miss the heck out of her kids-and you-and

you seem committed to being the best guy you can be, a man only a fool would leave,

and if she comes to believe in your changes, which she can

with sufficient time + enough small consistent changes...


then she may decide the CORE ISSUE -which is believing that

Marriage to you can be better/different. IF she thinks it can be, she'll likely return.

If not, she won't unless shes' too torn without the kids and then that means she'll want YOU to leave.

Your job is to show her, w/actions, that you are a changed man and that marriage to you from this day forward, could be different/better than before.


She's confused sounding for sure. And a lot of this is happening really fast. So you need to put a different time line on YOUR expectation level.

Do NOT ASK her how she's feeling or what she plans or "has learned" or about any things she's learning or wonder "WHEN" she'll wake up and decide...don't ask about

"discoveries" she's made, or "how long this will take" OR

WHY she is "ruining our family" or "How can she destroy" etc. b/c that is what my DB coach said was a question designed to get a defensive answers.

And when we challenge their choices, we force them to defend the choices, instead of really examining them. So back off the interrogatories or interviews...

yes when SHE speaks, focus intently but do not smother or pursue.

Pursuit smothers. YES YOUR Sitch is slightly different b/c a big part of her issue was how distant you already were (you said that You didn't realize how much you loved her til she wanted out so it must have showed)

You can show your 180s without ignoring her. You'll have contact b/c of the kids and it's a bit easier to see or notice changes when there's more time between visits. So in one sense, her moving out is good. Also much easier to give her space.

Dress differently, wear new cologne, new hair style, etc...CHANGE your appearance and attitude so it's visible

and do some concrete acts that are out of your comfort zone and NEW.

Like how about a hobby that INCLUDES your kids, or at least one of them?

And something with NEW people to help get your mind off your sitch, and to add a little mystery to your life for her to see.

Make sense?