After 18 months - H is finally filing.

[keep_going]

keep going - i am glad you have come back on the boards to get support and advice. there are lots of good wise people here that can help you through this part of your process.

Thanks, Zig. I was away from the boards for a few months - it just was too much. (I think some people go thru this after a while). But I am glad to be back - I missed the support. :-)

have you discussed with your DB coach about ow and the kids and your boundaries on that and h not agreeing? what is the coach's advice on that?

Yeah... Unfortunately my boundaries re. OW and kids are really not enforceable. H can and is doing as he wishes on this, despite my continued and firm opposition to it. He just doesn't see anything wrong re. exposure or even his affair, since "we are not married anymore; we are separated."
Coach, Therapist and even the L I consulted told me that I can ask nicely, but ultimately cannot force the issue so best thing to do is accept it.

I don't let H talk about OW, or call or text in front of me or kids. I don't bring her up or ask about her and neither does he. That is all I can do. I try not to think about what they do with my kids when H has them.
(Unfortunately when I backslide and we argue, this is the main issue that always surfaces - he blames my anger about this on jealousy and I help validate his POV as he ends defending her.)

also did i understand correctly that you are going to retain the same L as your h?

We would each have our own. In the collaborative process the four of us would then sit down and negotiate everything together. Cost would be less, since we would resolve issues in person and with less back and forth.

have you asked h why he is not following the set formulas in your state, and if so what was his answer?

He says that since I have always worked (and at times earned more than him) we should split kids' expenses 50/50 and that I should support myself, since I am capable of it. Yet in CA, alimony is granted in marriages longer than 10 yrs., which would be our case, based on those formulas / guidelines that he doesn't want to follow.

also do you know whether if he doesn't follow the set formulas whether the court would accept those conditions? are they just suggestions, or are they mandatory?

If we end up going to court, a judge would most likely follow the formulas, that is why any decent L in CA would recommend settling out of court following those guidelines - same outcome and less costly in the long run.

but most importantly, during these difficult times for you, what are you doing for yourself so that you can keep yourself grounded and in a good place? i'd love to hear more about that

zig

I actually do pretty well with GAL. Now that I am not working, my kids keep me super busy and I am focusing on making the most of my time with them, since I know I will have to go back to work in a few years. So I am truly bonding with them and doing fun activities together.
They also help me practice being more patient, understanding, compassionate and emotionally involved (180s for me).
When kids are with H, I focus on things I had stopped doing - socialize with friends, work out, read, stay in touch with friends and family in my native country and working on my changes.
I make sure to look and dress nicely all the time and I look the best I've ever had (If I may say so myself ;-). And people notice and I get lots of compliments from friends and family.

After a year and a half, I have come a long way emotionally and personally - I am not the wreck I was when the bomb was dropped. And while I still have a lot of weaknesses and defects to continue improving on, I am on the right track. Slower than most here, but at least on the right track.

Thanks again for checking in!