can Turtles still stand?

[zig]

thanks ng


i wonder if he has felt in control during this whole sitch and now, all of a sudden, you are not playing along?!? 180?!?
\

i don't know.

we had an interesting interaction this afternoon. i was at the computer and heard the door open and h stopped by to pick up one of his sculptures. i just acted as if nothing was unusual and casually said hi. i was about to leave for the store, so i chatted a bit, while i loaded a couple of things into the car. ( i see this sort of thing not as him crossing boundaries, but more him coming out of his castle to peep and see where i'm at after the conversation we had this morning that really shook him up. i was ON the blanket)

he sat down on the steps to tie his shoes and as i walked back i stopped as he stood up and said - how are you doing are you feeling as stressed as you were a couple of days ago (he's having his usual freak out week before he starts teaching on monday). you do look stressed and tired and i reached up and pressed across his eyebrows to relieve the tight lines, just very briefly.

he sort of just relaxed and smiled tentatively at me and said yes i'm still stressed. it was a very brief sort of intimate moment that i chose to take - but not really intending to - just did it without thinking. then i casually said - well don't mean to cut you off but if i don't get to the store in the next couple of mins i'll be late to pick up s.

as he was loading his sculpture into his truck - i said jokingly - so is that coming back or should i say goodbye to one of my most favorite pieces you've ever made. he tried to laugh it off. and said -no it's not, that one is in the backyard - and i said well, that one in the backyard is not going anywhere!!

later there was the parent evening and i got there late. h acted as if he didn't know me, and they were all sitting in this tight circle. i went and got a chair and as i walked up to put it next to him he didn't even try to make any space for me

i said - you could open up the circle and let me in - without even thinking - just reacting to the fact that he hadn't moved. he did, but sat there seeming very "upset " through the whole thing/

i was in form though and made everyone laugh and was probably a tad bit "vivacious" - i think i was a bit nervous.

he left without saying a word. and only later while driving home it hit me.
[censored] zig - all you had to do was say nicely - can i squeeze in next to you? you were mean when you put it like that. so i just simply called him and said h i apologize that was shitty of me - and at first he acted as if he didn't know what i meant and then said oh do you mean when you said those words and i said yes - i could have just said may i squeeze in but i said that instead and i'm sorry.

he tried to blow it off and i teased him and said "apology accepted?" (he'd done that to me a few days ago, but not teasing) and then he laughed and relaxed and said yes, thanks

i'm glad i did that and learned something new about myself and where i am , tonight.

i may have dropped the expectations of a lot of stuff from h. but what i haven't fully completely entirely dropped yet is the expectation that if i am nice and loving during this difficult time, the least he could do is be basically nice. i could have gone to the other side and sat next to my friend and it would have been much more comfortable for me, but i chose to sit next to him - because we are both parents of the same child and there as such. but maybe that is not necessary any more... idk...

as for the 180 - yes i did one more thing - i finally stopped waiting for h to get certain things done - and let him know that i was just going to go ahead with them

that made me feel much more confident. on the phone tonight he said - what's up with you - you were on fire tonight. well good he noticed - and i hope it burns him up - or i mean burns up that fog he's in

i don;t much care for rum, but for brit - i'll drink anything.

hugs ng - hope you are well tonight

zig