i worked through my feelings last night. took my own advice and just let myself feel them fully and let it go, so i feel a lot stronger this morning
journaling:
well - i don't really know what is going on.
just had a convo w/ h, who used the reason that i would go to see a lawyer as the main reason for cancelling the appointment with the mediator.
he kept me on the phone for a long time - going on and on about how i was trying to make him look bad by "protecting myself" by going to see a lawyer. and that if i was going to see a lawyer then we shouldn't waste money on a mediator.
a couple of times he got "mad" and was like do whatever there's no point ot this and i'll just do what i want.
he now wants to drop the mediator and file the paperwork himself - or "we" file the paperwork.
now we are going to meet and "talk" on sunday about the details and then he's going to fill out the paperwork. soooo boring!
all this while his voice is shaking.
i couldn't help thinking throughout the conversation that he was looking for a reason not to go to the mediators. what kind of reason is that - if you are going to see a lawyer then there's no point in us doing mediation!!
this all came up because i had to call to ask how much his cc bill was because the bank account is pretty much emptied. i paid my cc bill this morning and just as i pressed confirmed, i was like oh [censored], there isn't enough money in the bank account. so then i transferred some in right away so we wouldn't overdraft. and then after a few minutes realized that, oh damn, there's h's cc bill due soon, so called to ask .
next thing i have to tell him that no i am not transferring money from that investment acct. and he asked why and i was honest and that's when the D conversation started.
he's trying to make it sound as if i am making him out to be evil because i'm protecting that because in his word "he would rather die than touch that money" and so if i am even looking into speaking with a lawyer then i am fighting the D.
each time he was ready to hang up all miffed i stayed calm and actually said to him that if he chose to see me going to a lawyer as a way to fight him, then it was HIS choice to view it that way, not what the reality was.
my words were - and I really stressed them - h, I am not going to use a lawyer to protect myself from YOU. I am going to use a lawyer to protect my position, period and because I have been advised that it is safe practice. so if you choose to see it any other way, then that is your choice, not my intention.
i'm a bit shakey now. i've had a helluva morning with the cc company, the bank and now this.
in the middle of it my mom called and wept on the phone. but i have learned so much about DB'ing and about what is behind our emotional reactions, that within 10 mins i was able to help her see what she was really upset about, rather than what she thought she was upset about, and it helped her a lot to calm down.
i think that was the first time she ever did that - and i was so glad to be able to help her through this.
even though i feel a bit shaky, i feel really strong. before i called h, i already knew that he would get ballistic over the money sitch - but i found myself thinking - it's okay, i can handle it. there were so many opportunities during that conversation where i could have just got fed up and lost it. for e.g.. why do i have to listen to him rationalizing or telling me whether i can or cannot see a L. (at one point he said this separation is way more expensive than i thought it would be. wtf??)
but i stayed really really calm, and there were moments where i was like, gosh i wish i could get off this phone. i must have said at least 4 times. h can we talk about this later - i really need to get to work, i don't really have time for this right now
an di suppose i better get to work - haven't yet this morning. went to pay my bills at 8.30 this morning and now 3 hrs later, everything is finally resolved!!
AND i don't have to go to the mediators!!!
what's really tedious here is that we are going to have "talk" about this stupid stuff on sunday - and he'll make us talk and talk, but then he won't actually do anything. that is so boring to me right now!!
oh and interesting comment - are we agreed that we have joint custody for s? i replied yes. his answer - well then i don't give an eff about anything else!!!
big deep deep deep breadth. anyone for a swim i'm going down to hang out with the turtles
zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
I am sorry you had that interaction with H. I went thru the same with mine. When I contacted a L and started to protect my position, he went balistic. Tried to guilt me - I want to fight, I want to spend our children's money on lawyers, we should mediate, etc.
Yet, his financial proposition to me was sooo one-sided and unfair, that I had to and I don't regret it.
He didn't do anything about it until now, but now is ready to file, and insists we do it collaboratively to save money. I have told him I won't stop him but won't help him since I don't want D. And on the other hand, we have huge disagreements about financial settlement and custody issues (re. exposure to OW, which he doesn't think is wrong at all). So I don't see how collaborative D would work in our case.
He is furious at me because I am not making things easy for him. He believes I do it out of jealousy, anger and to be vindictive. That is his problem.
Sorry for digressing. My point is, I see what you are starting to go thru and I hope it doesn't get ugly. Just want to warn you that it could get that way. I know my H is extremely bitter at me for not going with his plan...
So hang in there! You are doing great. I enjoy reading your threads (although I don't post much - busy with three young kids).
Thanks for inspiring others!
(((hugs)))
Me & H: 44 D7, D6, S3 Together: 20y, M: 17y EA: 11/13/10, Sep: 12/23/10 EA becomes PA: Spring 2011 H filed for D: 09/06/12 D Negotiating began 2/15 OW seemingly gone on 3/15 Still negotiating D
i'm so sorry that your sitch is in the position it's in right now - you sound very sad, so i think it's time for us to gather around you and help you feel more positive no matter what is going on in your life
(((((((( )))))))))
my position with my h is slightly different. he is not "grabbing for anything, in fact there isn't anything to grab for in our situation. and i don't think he is going to do anything unfair either. we actually haven't had a conversation at all about how things will be split up yet. and i think that he is right that we do need to sit down and discuss it.
i cannot say that i haven't been avoiding that conversation and resisting it all this time. but today i realized that there really is no point to do that.
just like your h though he is insisting that we file together - mutual consent. i think the idea of that makes him feel better. he wants me to want it to, which right now i couldn't do unless i faked it. but i am not in that place of faking things any longer, i suppose.
i know you don't post much - but if you could post some, and let your feelings out here on the board, i think it will help you to feel better and you will get a lot of support
thanks for stopping by - and i hope that you'll have a good weekend.
zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
i wonder if he has felt in control during this whole sitch and now, all of a sudden, you are not playing along?!? 180?!? \
i don't know.
we had an interesting interaction this afternoon. i was at the computer and heard the door open and h stopped by to pick up one of his sculptures. i just acted as if nothing was unusual and casually said hi. i was about to leave for the store, so i chatted a bit, while i loaded a couple of things into the car. ( i see this sort of thing not as him crossing boundaries, but more him coming out of his castle to peep and see where i'm at after the conversation we had this morning that really shook him up. i was ON the blanket)
he sat down on the steps to tie his shoes and as i walked back i stopped as he stood up and said - how are you doing are you feeling as stressed as you were a couple of days ago (he's having his usual freak out week before he starts teaching on monday). you do look stressed and tired and i reached up and pressed across his eyebrows to relieve the tight lines, just very briefly.
he sort of just relaxed and smiled tentatively at me and said yes i'm still stressed. it was a very brief sort of intimate moment that i chose to take - but not really intending to - just did it without thinking. then i casually said - well don't mean to cut you off but if i don't get to the store in the next couple of mins i'll be late to pick up s.
as he was loading his sculpture into his truck - i said jokingly - so is that coming back or should i say goodbye to one of my most favorite pieces you've ever made. he tried to laugh it off. and said -no it's not, that one is in the backyard - and i said well, that one in the backyard is not going anywhere!!
later there was the parent evening and i got there late. h acted as if he didn't know me, and they were all sitting in this tight circle. i went and got a chair and as i walked up to put it next to him he didn't even try to make any space for me
i said - you could open up the circle and let me in - without even thinking - just reacting to the fact that he hadn't moved. he did, but sat there seeming very "upset " through the whole thing/
i was in form though and made everyone laugh and was probably a tad bit "vivacious" - i think i was a bit nervous.
he left without saying a word. and only later while driving home it hit me. [censored] zig - all you had to do was say nicely - can i squeeze in next to you? you were mean when you put it like that. so i just simply called him and said h i apologize that was shitty of me - and at first he acted as if he didn't know what i meant and then said oh do you mean when you said those words and i said yes - i could have just said may i squeeze in but i said that instead and i'm sorry.
he tried to blow it off and i teased him and said "apology accepted?" (he'd done that to me a few days ago, but not teasing) and then he laughed and relaxed and said yes, thanks
i'm glad i did that and learned something new about myself and where i am , tonight.
i may have dropped the expectations of a lot of stuff from h. but what i haven't fully completely entirely dropped yet is the expectation that if i am nice and loving during this difficult time, the least he could do is be basically nice. i could have gone to the other side and sat next to my friend and it would have been much more comfortable for me, but i chose to sit next to him - because we are both parents of the same child and there as such. but maybe that is not necessary any more... idk...
as for the 180 - yes i did one more thing - i finally stopped waiting for h to get certain things done - and let him know that i was just going to go ahead with them
that made me feel much more confident. on the phone tonight he said - what's up with you - you were on fire tonight. well good he noticed - and i hope it burns him up - or i mean burns up that fog he's in
i don;t much care for rum, but for brit - i'll drink anything.
hugs ng - hope you are well tonight
zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
Thanks for your words of encouragement and now it's my turn!
I think you did GREAT today! The sculpture and house interaction, asking about his stress level and the apology. It's great that you could see how your words may have hurt your H and you actually came back with him after the fact to address it and apologize. That is amazing!
Really good job and he noticed... Just remember - no expectations. ;-)
(((zig)))
Me & H: 44 D7, D6, S3 Together: 20y, M: 17y EA: 11/13/10, Sep: 12/23/10 EA becomes PA: Spring 2011 H filed for D: 09/06/12 D Negotiating began 2/15 OW seemingly gone on 3/15 Still negotiating D
that's so sweet keep going. only when i read your words i realized that i had felt a bit discouraged about the events of today.
not discouraged about h, but about myself that there was still so much defensiveness deep within me that came out in these tiny little ways.
i did have that thought earlier that i was surprised at my sensitive reaction to h in the classroom - i was way more nervous than i even began to realize. that is a very very sensitive arena for both of us.
but i did do better than usual today. and i am glad that i apologized. i guess sometimes when h is acting so damn tough, i actually forget that he is deeply sensitive and i had really hurt his feelings and he was really struggling in there facing that circle of parents, most of whom know what is going on.
now when i think about it he was a real mess tonight - after hte meeting he helped carry some tables out and i walked off not saying anything to find the kids who were playing outside, but i did feel his vibes and he was really struggling. i though he'd come find s and me to say bye, but him driving off - that's when i realized that he was not in good shape
so thank you for the encouragement i really appreciate it
zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
So I'm only catching up. I think Grace is right. He's unsure because all of a sudden you're standing up for yourself so much more. Plus let's be honest he may be worried that at any point you could get angry and this could be messy. He's in the position of being the one who had an A and is still with OW.
Also not everyone on this board with resonate with you. I've found that some people's advice isn't for me. There are people that I read what they write to other people and I think I trust their judgement it's what I'd say or how I'd want to be or how I view the world and others not so much. So the it's just like TV shows: maybe you're a Jerry Springer person or maybe you're more Oprah. You pick what works for you and you don't pay attention to what doesn't.
thanks brit - i do have to look at it that way - springer vs. oprah sort of thing!
about what ng said - maybe he is unsure - i don't know. all i know is that i am very tired of all this. it [censored] my energy and i want that energy for other things, for better things.
otoh i also can see more clearly now how i avoid things that i don't really want to deal with. i haven't wanted to deal with the D conversation - the real one where we have to decide who gets what. today i have struggled with accepting and facing that tomorrow.
overriding all of that there has been more coming to the surface from deep inside. now that i accept so so much more that i am truly on my own now, the mirror is reflecting back more stuff that i have to face within myself
the theme is true deep responsibility for myself and who i am. i am seeing things i still do not want to be and struggle a bit with how to change them. it is more letting go - letting go of the old me and finding place for the new one.
there's an in between space there, where one is already dropping the old, but somehow the new hasn't quite set in and it's a sort of limbo of finding out how it is going to happen and what it is going to be.
i'm feeling ungrounded and i keep going and reading my goals list sort of using it as an anchor to keep me focused towards some little things as i go through this process...
thanks for stopping in - hope you're doing well zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
