1) just way too many goals and expectations for this stage...and just way too many and
2) some are vague and
many are absolutes.
You "want her to stop seeing OM" um YES WE KNOW
but
3) you need baby steps. And baby steps are like "we can be in the same room for an hour without conflict"--
Not, "we can fix all this" and "She will come home & stay"...(sure we know that is the LONG TERM GOAL) but for now you need to measure things differently.
Originally Posted By: Arsene
Well, just a few thoughts on DR so far. I've been reading most of the day and got a lot of good stuff out of it but it seems to me that the book is mostly written for couples still living together and still working things out. Nonetheless, I'm still reading and maybe I'll get to the part which relates more to my sitch in a bit. MANY couples are not together in these situations. We weren't.
I've actually set some goals but was wondering if that sounded right to you. Here they are:
1. I would like W to quit seeing OM. - She might stop wearing his ring on her middle finger - She might start wearing a necklace I gave her which she loved (she wore it for a week after I got back but not since) - She might start spending more time at home How much time at home? Are you going to be hovering there too? If so what is going to be DIfferent about you?
- She might stop pulling back after we have a good day - She might be less "sisterly" and more affectionate goals are ^^^too vague to measure progress
- She might spend the odd night at home with D8 - She might call me more often, just to chat Yes^^^ and
"SO THAT"...this next step can happen - She might be more relaxed around me
2. I would like her to start believing WE have a chance again - She might talk about my changes more
OMG, no more TALK about your changes...please. Not for at least another 60 days...OMG...enough. You are barely scratching the surfaces and all you have done IS scratch THE SURFACE
so stop expecting so much change in her views....so fast....
- She might express her feelings more often - She might be more open to/initiate minor physical contact - She might talk about a future which includes me imo, these ^^^ are all long term goals. Not short term.
- She might call more often just to chat - She might be more open to doing things together
these are good and possible...and measurable! 3. I would like her to come back home I know and all the below stuff is a bit redundant. I think I've made my point.
- She might show more tenderness - She might spend more time at home with us - She might be more open to family activities - She might spend the night home with D8 - She might talk about future - She might initiate more R talks - She might talk more about her feelings - She might test me to see if I would consider it - She might test me to see if my changes are real - She might call more often - She might buy stuff for the house - She might start remembering our good times - She might spend more time at home
Does this sound right? Not so much to me.
You have more goals listed than most couples who are happily married.
It comes off as a "TO DO LIST" of chores for her. Sorry but that is how it struck me.
Like it's the report card you are using to judge your w, with. Just not sure it's helping you to have THIS MANY goals.
With regards to asking for what I want (Step 3), that will have to wait for now otherwise I'll be pushing her away.
a lot this will push her away. Start much MUCH smaller...okay?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
