Cripes Arsene! I thought in other postings of yours that it was ironic that your EA/MLC and Separation dates are awful close to mine, but I could honestly swear I've said just about everything you just did and I feel the same way. "For Better or Worse." I believe that real love is loving someone when they least deserve it. Or at least part of it. It's why I can't let go even though I pray nightly for it.
Nero - I'm a bit messed up too so I know where you're coming from in regards to history. It's something that's plagued my thoughts for so long now - Why not me? I've not known my father since I was 3 and the only memory I have is of my sister pleading with me to stop crying because I would wake up dad and he would spank me. Happy Fathers Day! I am happy to report that I've not turned out like that fellow, but I did turn out like my mother in a lot of ways - emotionally detached. So why not me? I "think" it has something to do with my mother joining the military in order to allow my sister and I a chance to experience travel and live in different cultural environments. So when I think about it, there's not much that leaves me wanting, I've seen and lived so much.
My focus on my kids right now comes from just being relaxed around them and supportive. I listen, which is new to me and I can tell the results. Aside from being bored all the time because I don't have much money to do things, they like being with me and I'm good with that. I've never been the best at the L word, but I'm pretty in tune with touch. So if I forget to tell them how I feel, I've always been good about a hand on the shoulder or a hug with a smile. I'm always telling them - "You know <S6><S12>? You're allllllright." I'm aware of always offering them positive feedback.
AJ - I haven't been able to connect the dots on it before, but I do feel obligated to do those things for family. We did seperate chores/duties over the years and b-days and holidays is something she always took care of. It is something I want to do, but for now I'm still waiting/looking for something and I don't know what it is.
I do have a specific thought process and even though I know there's usually at least 3 doors, I focus on 2. I do believe I'm right about my W. It's what's frustrating me, how can I have read so many books and online resources, seen everything unfold right before my eyes, heard the things she's said to me match exactly what is documented in so many places. Yet I can't do what just about every documented resource says to do -> let go! I've always looked at it analytically as though it were a psychological case study and it's helped me shrug off the hurtful things she's said to me throughout MLC. It has hardened me a lot, but I'm wary of over hardening. That's partly why I'm cautious.
This caution adds to my approach to anything. I have a minor bout with ADD and part of having this is I often forget what it is I want to say. Every serious conversation I can think of, I've always been left with realizing too late that I forgot something or that I didn't word something correctly the way I wanted too. It's hard and I have to always be on guard and trying to pay attention. The trick is to not let it get to me and start stressing, but to just let it happen as something that just is.
I often question if the Acceptance I'm looking for is of me and not my situation. Maybe that's the cure I'm looking for. It's easy to say we dictate our disposition, but I can see there's a difference in actually knowing it.
Something fun to contribute today:
A grandmother moved into the house next door several months back and we've always waved to each other in passing. She came over yesterday and asked a quick favor while she was out of town this weekend and S12 was with me at the time. She asked if we'd be interested in going to the pool at the country club she's a member at and I told her that sounded like fun and it was really nice of her to ask. She left soon after and S12 demanded I take a seat and he insisted that she just asked me out on a date. It was hard not to laugh. I explained that an old lady living by herself might need some help every now and then and she was probably doing the grown up thing and establishing communication with me since none of the other neighbors ever seem to be outside or around like I am. I told him that I've been looking for an opportunity to reach out to her and just let her know that if she ever needed help with something, she could just ask.
