Divorced. My fault, and cant move forward

[Mrs D]

Well I am certainly pulling for you guys to work things out. I am also a runner.. Id rather run than work - well thats how I used to be. Not anymore. I need to face things head on. Things dont get better when you run from them - they only get worse. And that is most likely another reason H left me to be honest.

As you know, H didnt make any point of contact last night with our son. I had sent my GF an email this morning that he hadnt. She sent back that he is being everything he said that I was at one time. The person he couldnt stand. Only worried about himself, going out and having a good time. Everyone see it - know one likes the person hes becoming. Hes turning his back on his good friends, and making new ones - cutting himself from the real world. She said one day he is going to wake up and say WTH have I become? She said reality will hit him in the face. Hes turned his relationship with his son to just 3 hours, twice a week and every other weekend. H is so much more than this guy he is living right now..

Its sad that he retro'd back to where I was - I moved forward to where he was. Somehow we need to meet up in the middle again.

[Carnac]

MrsD: So sorry to hear he's becoming that. I think its pretty common....I can assure you that my wife has become everything she said that I was selfish, controlling, judgemental and angry. Even more than that, in relation to SS16 she's much more interested in being bff's with him than in being his mom. We used to comment on how many people we knew that were so dang worried about their kids liking them that they forgot to be a parent and then were surprised when their kids screwed up or got into trouble and now thats exactly what she is.

I wouldnt say all wake up one day, but im sure that most do, just have to pray that ours are in that most group.

Its interesting you mentioning you switching roles b/c the last time my W and I seperated thats one of the things that brought us back together, we were talking on the phone one day and I told her what a shame it was that we were going to end up divorced due to bad timing and she asked me what that meant. I told her that 6 months before she had asked me to go see a MC with her and I blew it off and refused, and now I was begging her to go see a MC with me and she was refusing so realistically the only reason we were going to divorce is because we wanted to see a MC at different times.

I know you and your H are in the same boat...you walked away, he wanted you back, then he walked away etc....its timing. My prayers are that you both end up on the same page at the same time and can really heal and have a wonderful relationship, your doing the groundwork now to make it possible so just keep working that way.

[MrBond]

One unique part about your sitch is that you do know what it's like to be on the other side. What actions could your H have done in order to attract you back?

[sandi2]

I think he's already done it, Bond.

This is not Michelle's advice, but I've seen this over & over again. Human nature at work. When the LBS immediately dumps the WAS for the EA/PA, then the WAS suddenly nearly dies trying to get the LBS back.

I know the mods doesn't want that advice given out to the LBS, but it is the only thing I've seen that puts an immediate "about face" on the situation. Would it have done the same to me in my stitch? You better believe it!! I might have seen a man I didn't want to get away!

But if the LBS expects to have this effectiveness, it better be when the A has been discovered and the WAS knows the LBS "knows". Not later on down the road.

Mrs.D, leave your H alone. Get the help you need for yourself and focus on being a good mother and a good woman. Stay away from him. Stop contacting him, b/c you'll lose any chance in hell if you keep chasing him. He sees through all your pitiful games. Fix yourself before you try to fix any relationships. Stop getting your friends to find out things from him. Stop talking about him to them.

Forgiving yourself will be the hardest. But once you start working on becoming a better "you" and stop trying to get your H back.....then you stand a chance at having a successful M with a man (who knows, maybe that man will be your XH). If you don't do it this way, it will never work out and you'll stand a good chance of repeating your A's. Set him free and maybe.....just maybe he'll find his way back (if he sees something worth it).

[MrBond]

Oh I'm not advocating any action. The thing she had to see was that when he pursued, she stayed away, and then when he stopped, she started to pursue.

[Carnac]

MrsD:
How did the golf outing go?

[Mrs D]

Well, alittle bit of time and space would have worked... let me miss him when he was gone. Toche to my hubs since hes doing well with that I guess.

[Mrs D]

Sandi,
Ive actually done really well this week not contacting him. I really dont think Im playing any games either .... sorry. I know i need to work on myself....

[Mrs D]

Hey Carnac. It went ok. Had alot of anxiety through the day. Of course his group drew the hole behind us.... I spoke to him like twice. He initiated both conversations and to be honest, I left both times quickly cause I know he can draw me in. I am protecting my heart now I guess. So yeah. I made it through the day as hard as it was. My heart feels so sad. I guess Im hoping hes missing and thinking of me as much as I am.......

[Carnac]

MrsD:
Thats awesome to hear.....it sounds like you did really well today. Trust me I know its tough, I can't imagine having mine right behind me on the golf course all day and trying not to interact when im dying to. Mine is never gonna spend that much time around me I dont think so its easier for me.

I did kind of the same thing today when we were near each other at my sons scrimmage....i really said little and got the heck out of there as quickly as I could b/c I know i'll talk to her if she gives me the chance and also because she looked incredible at the game.

Such a true statement...my heart is sad as well, but this is the way it has to be, #1 for ourselves and #2 for any of us to have any chance with our spouse