Fighting between faith & reality

[Arsene]

RT,

I'm with you. All the way. Like nero says, this might be some love addiction but I'd rather look at it as our refusal to accept that the person we love has suddenly done a negative 180 and is now forever changed.

Everything I've read about MLC leads me to believe that my W will one day come out of it and realize the destruction she's caused. I know I wouldn't want to be in her skin when that happens and I'm sure that if today, I stay consistent and keep on loving her "unconditionally" (meaning I don't expect anything in return - and believe me, it's hard to do), I can be there for her when it does happen. I know that it doesn't mean we actually have a chance at reconciliation but if the last thing I do for her is be the only one who stood by her, even though I'm now the most evil person to her, I'll be the kind of person "I" want to be.

Having said that, of course I hope that I can keep the love I have for her until that day but as things are nowadays, I might not be a good enough man for that. The pain we feel everyday is too real and too much of a tear into the fabric of our soul to be able to heal easily and I doubt that W would ever give me the time to process this pain if ever she was to come back.

Nonetheless, hope is always there that she will come out sooner than later and we hold on, one day at a time. We take the venom, the OM/OW, the hurt they inflict on our kids, the anger and the fury, mostly unjustified, the demonizing, the complete amnesia with regards to our history together, we take all of that as if it was a sick child vomiting on our favorite suit. We don't/can't blame them, we even forgive them, justify them in front of our friends and tell ourselves that it's what we have to do. For better or for worse, well we took the better so now it's time to pay the ferryman.

I also have moments of weakness but for the most, I found that meditation keeps me strong when I go through hard times.