Absolutely. But many, most, times, they are leaving the LBS, or choosing an OP, because there has been something missing in their R with LBS. So they probably don't fear losing the LBS at the beginning. In those cases, gotta give them something to fear losing.
I don't disagree. I'm in favor of a short "Plan A" before going to bigger guns, esp. if you were legitimately an ass prior to the wayward spouse's infidelity.
Starsky, This is the post I was referring too earlier. I was legitimately an ass lots of times in my marriage...i'll accept that. But you say a short plan A before going to the bigger guns....what are you referring to?
Carnac, the main point in the above is to have a period of time when your wayward spouse can see "the new you" before you draw any of the hardest boundaries. ... but you can't lay out an ultimatum to someone who thinks they don't want to be with you anyway.
I mean, think about it: you say "Well, I WILL NOT LIVE IN AN OPEN MARRIAGE! If you want to come back to the marriage, I'll need to have X, Y and Z from you!" If you haven't demonstrated any improvements, and if your wife is still happily affairing, she's going to say "Who said anything about wanting to come back to the marriage???"
THAT is exactly right Carnac. It is what I had to do to get to a point that I could lay down a hard line. I had to do it for a very long time. And it was the hardest thing that I have ever done.
By the time that I got through the "plan A" part of things, I found that I was truly comfortable being DONE. I no longer felt guilt about how I had treated W during our M/R because I felt that I had done everything that I could to make amends and to show her that I was NOT the person who had treated her poorly.
I was fine with either outcome.
When you get there... you know that you are going to be okay.
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
By the time that I got through the "plan A" part of things, I found that I was truly comfortable being DONE. I no longer felt guilt about how I had treated W during our M/R because I felt that I had done everything that I could to make amends and to show her that I was NOT the person who had treated her poorly.
I was fine with either outcome.
When you get there... you know that you are going to be okay.
Denver and Starsky: Thanks to you both.....im feeling more encouraged this morning than I have in a while. Even though my sitch has been going on 9 weeks or so, its only just now really starting in my mind. I reason that because school starts back for the boys, real life begins, and I didnt truly go very dark until just a couple of days ago. I've done NC all along, but at the time it was because she asked for space and I wanted to respect that. This time its my choice to go dark and I think there will probably be a difference in the two. At the very least there will be a difference in my mind between the two and that has to show up in any non-verbal communication.
And as much as i've hated to admit this all along, I am at least somewhat hopeful that a couple months of me going dark will be a benefit to me becoming ok either way. If it serves to do that as well then it will be a double bonus in my mind.
You are looking at it the right way, Carnac. Stay the course, and remember, "dark" is for YOU -- not to elicit some sort of reaction out of her. Use this time as a gift to work on yourself, and getting your mojo back.
By the time that I got through the "plan A" part of things, I found that I was truly comfortable being DONE. I no longer felt guilt about how I had treated W during our M/R because I felt that I had done everything that I could to make amends and to show her that I was NOT the person who had treated her poorly.
I was fine with either outcome.
When you get there... you know that you are going to be okay.
BINGO.
Starsky
Ahh!!! The infamous ACCEPTANCE stage!!
I too have hit the ACCEPTANCE stage, although I still bounce back to the Anger & Depression stage once in awhile. I do not believe though, that you have to lose hope when you hit the Acceptance stage like all of the experts say! I believe that my Acceptance stage, is when I truly have learned what "Let Go & Let God" means.
But make no mistake, as Denver & Starsky will tell you: You will still bounce around a bit. I still firmly want Marriage Restoration & my W back, but not if it means going back to the same old things like before.
My 2 cents, although I haven't been on the board very long
Starsky: Just wanted to seek out your thread and thank you so much for this post on alkalinethoughts thread.
I'm beginning to realize that whatever marital problems I may have, that I really need to get to the root of and begin to address my own PERSONAL contributions to the dysfunction. And what I'm asking for help with is, what is it about me that would make me want to continue to pursue someone who is cheating on me, and why does it make me so sad that -- even in her CURRENT DESTRUCTIVE PATH -- I can't be with her? I want to figure this out, and learn to lay out and enforce healthier boundaries and build healthier self-esteem, so that WHATEVER my wife decides to do about THIS marriage, I will be healthier in my FUTURE relationships. Is it co-dependence, or something else
again i've said before I really don't know if my wife is involved with someone or not b/c I honestly haven't snooped this time. I know at one time she was in an EA, but have no idea right now where any of that stands, but I still really needed to read this, im going to see my Ic tomorrow and I thnk that you could replace the 'continuing to pursue someone who is cheating on me' with continuing to pursue someone who clearly wants nothing to do with me...continuing to pursue someone who is intent on tearing our family apart, or any other number of lines and it has the same resonance in my mind.
So tomorrow when I see my IC im going to give him some variation of those and then tell him lets get to work on what inside of me allows myself to be treated in that way.
Yes, you've got it right, Carnac. Whether or not there is an affair, it still is the same dynamic: "Why do I so badly want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with ME?" It may be simple co-dependency, but it could be other underlying issues, but I still firmly believe that unless you solve THIS, you are destined for relationship failure no matter what. Either your walkaway/wayward spouse will come back to you, and since you still haven't addressed this issue you will once again push them away with your neediness . . . .or . . . you will D, and you will repeat the same dysfunction in your next (and next, and next, and . . .) one.
Ok, this is from long ago, but I have been wondering about your sitch and here we are. Sometimes its hard here, since I did take a firmer line than most. I set similar boundries while H was home and he did end the affair, but wouldn't defriend OW on FB and be transparent so I said I needed those things or we need to S.
I need to see these harder lines, because we a month into S and I see both movement towards me...and then he freaks and has to remind me that our M can end. Really? I'm pretty sure I'm aware of that.
Anyway, I really enjoyed reading your sitch. Now on to Denver's. I hear his is similar.
M: 9 yrs T: 13 yrs H:34 Me:35, S4, D2, S 7 months Dday 11/12-PA & multiple PAs Dbing 12/12 S 1/13 7/13 H moved back in basement. 8/13 #3 born 10/13 still cheating 10/13 He moves across country, I file for D
