i worked through my feelings last night. took my own advice and just let myself feel them fully and let it go, so i feel a lot stronger this morning
journaling:
well - i don't really know what is going on.
just had a convo w/ h, who used the reason that i would go to see a lawyer as the main reason for cancelling the appointment with the mediator.
he kept me on the phone for a long time - going on and on about how i was trying to make him look bad by "protecting myself" by going to see a lawyer. and that if i was going to see a lawyer then we shouldn't waste money on a mediator.
a couple of times he got "mad" and was like do whatever there's no point ot this and i'll just do what i want.
he now wants to drop the mediator and file the paperwork himself - or "we" file the paperwork.
now we are going to meet and "talk" on sunday about the details and then he's going to fill out the paperwork. soooo boring!
all this while his voice is shaking.
i couldn't help thinking throughout the conversation that he was looking for a reason not to go to the mediators. what kind of reason is that - if you are going to see a lawyer then there's no point in us doing mediation!!
this all came up because i had to call to ask how much his cc bill was because the bank account is pretty much emptied. i paid my cc bill this morning and just as i pressed confirmed, i was like oh [censored], there isn't enough money in the bank account. so then i transferred some in right away so we wouldn't overdraft. and then after a few minutes realized that, oh damn, there's h's cc bill due soon, so called to ask .
next thing i have to tell him that no i am not transferring money from that investment acct. and he asked why and i was honest and that's when the D conversation started.
he's trying to make it sound as if i am making him out to be evil because i'm protecting that because in his word "he would rather die than touch that money" and so if i am even looking into speaking with a lawyer then i am fighting the D.
each time he was ready to hang up all miffed i stayed calm and actually said to him that if he chose to see me going to a lawyer as a way to fight him, then it was HIS choice to view it that way, not what the reality was.
my words were - and I really stressed them - h, I am not going to use a lawyer to protect myself from YOU. I am going to use a lawyer to protect my position, period and because I have been advised that it is safe practice. so if you choose to see it any other way, then that is your choice, not my intention.
i'm a bit shakey now. i've had a helluva morning with the cc company, the bank and now this.
in the middle of it my mom called and wept on the phone. but i have learned so much about DB'ing and about what is behind our emotional reactions, that within 10 mins i was able to help her see what she was really upset about, rather than what she thought she was upset about, and it helped her a lot to calm down.
i think that was the first time she ever did that - and i was so glad to be able to help her through this.
even though i feel a bit shaky, i feel really strong. before i called h, i already knew that he would get ballistic over the money sitch - but i found myself thinking - it's okay, i can handle it. there were so many opportunities during that conversation where i could have just got fed up and lost it. for e.g.. why do i have to listen to him rationalizing or telling me whether i can or cannot see a L. (at one point he said this separation is way more expensive than i thought it would be. wtf??)
but i stayed really really calm, and there were moments where i was like, gosh i wish i could get off this phone. i must have said at least 4 times. h can we talk about this later - i really need to get to work, i don't really have time for this right now
an di suppose i better get to work - haven't yet this morning. went to pay my bills at 8.30 this morning and now 3 hrs later, everything is finally resolved!!
AND i don't have to go to the mediators!!!
what's really tedious here is that we are going to have "talk" about this stupid stuff on sunday - and he'll make us talk and talk, but then he won't actually do anything. that is so boring to me right now!!
oh and interesting comment - are we agreed that we have joint custody for s? i replied yes. his answer - well then i don't give an eff about anything else!!!
big deep deep deep breadth. anyone for a swim i'm going down to hang out with the turtles
zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
