I'm sorry I can't be of more help. Personally, when I saw (and heard) the things my wife was doing with OM, I had a lot harder time with the "loving" half of "loving detachment" than I did with the detachment half. At some point, self-preservation usually kicks in, unless you're very co-dependent (and I do think you might be).
Are you getting any individual counseling through all of this?
Yes, self preservation has kicked in. It is still at an early stage but I am moving on. You are right in believing that I am co-dependent on W. For 10 yrs I made her the most important person in my life, I loved her unconditionally. I still love her greatly but I need to move on. It is not sane to stay in this relationship, my hat goes off to all of you that endured all the pain and suffering for very long times. I have being on this mess for 4 months and already feel tired, and all other aspects of my life have suffered as well. It is time to focus on what I might loose if I continue with this behaviour, my well being, my SS13, my mom, my brothers, my work.. So many other things.
I appreciate all the great advice I received from all of you. Thanks, It helped a lot, and most important of all: I am a person who fought to become better for my self, and for my family. If I would not have tried it, my life would have been a bunch of questions and "if's".
I do believe you need to let her go (for now). I do NOT believe that your marriage has no hope, or that you should give up that hope.
At the worst case, something like 20% of people do remarry each other after divorce, with an overwhelming majority reporting that their marriages are better and stronger and healthier than they ever were before.
Thanks for your support, and for your advice to not give up. I am at a point to just pack and go. I mentioned before, that I love my wife that I would keep up the fight. As of right now, this round is over, and I lost it. Eric told me before the same thing you are telling me right now: "love also means to let go, so let her go (for now)". I am letting her go, let her find her own way, let her struggle on her own.
Now she is playing her part of keeping distant because for the last days I have not been the provider she can always count with. I know she is going thru some of her own struggles, she needs the time to heal, too.
Starsky, as I said I am tired to continue. I will give it time, and if my Lord God still wants me to fight this fight I will do so. For the moment I will focus on the aspects of my life that are not in turmoil. Everything is on the Lord's hands and my prayers are for me to keep becoming better, and for my wife to find her peace.
I have been reading Eric's post and some others. I just realize, that indeed I am tired and wanting to call it quits. Big BUT, I see there is a pattern in all the posts I read. They all and mine have something in common, we feel at some point to throw in the towel, and really feel this is the end of the rope for us, but as time progresses, the little spark to keep on the fight continues.
Something I learned, and even tough it is so simple to understand, yet too hard to do, is that I CAN NOT CHANGE MY W, therefore, I must let her go (for now). Let her live her life, let her see that when in the tunnel she will be thinking of the good things I did, let her make new mistakes and for her to fix them, let her struggle with her own finances, let her love OM, that is her choice, let her see that the pastures are not greener on the other side, let her open her eyes to her life.
In other words, ALLOW MY SELF TO THANK GOD FOR THE NEW DAY, FOR HIS LOVE, LET ME BE IN CONTROL OF ME, LET ME LEARN HOW TO DEAL WITH THE PAIN, LET ME FOCUS ON MY WORK, LET ME START FIXING MY 350 FORMULA, LET ME START BIKING, LET ME MAKE MISTAKES AND FIX THEM.
I finished reading Eric's post. My hats of to him for becoming a better person. I know that at the end of the tunnel is light, the only thing right now is that I am very co-dependent on W that I do not want the outcome of not been able to save my marriage. Like I said, I know things will get better, either way. As of right now I am not in the point of comfort to see me living without my family.
I feel pretty down today. I need some words of comfort and wisdom. As you have seen in my last posts I am loosing faith in saving my marriage. It is one of the worst feelings I have experience, and do not know how to deal with them.
I'm sorry you're feeling low today. When I was going thru my sitch, 5 years ago, I found a lot of strength and comfort in reading the Bible every day. Specifically, I would read one Psalm and one chapter of Proverbs every morning. I was continually amazed how many times it seems like I would open it up and read EXACTLY what I need to hear, on that given day, whether it was a word of encouragement or sometimes a challenge.
Yes, I started reading the book of proverbs. I stopped doing so when W walk out again. I was making my self believe that what I was reading was exactly what I needed to save my marriage, I understand now that it was not what the Lord intended me to learn. He is making me understand that I have to get wisdom, to be respectful of myself.
I am going to start reading the bible again with different eyes. With the expectation that the Lord wants me to fix myself, nothing else.
