Absolutely. But many, most, times, they are leaving the LBS, or choosing an OP, because there has been something missing in their R with LBS. So they probably don't fear losing the LBS at the beginning. In those cases, gotta give them something to fear losing.
I don't disagree. I'm in favor of a short "Plan A" before going to bigger guns, esp. if you were legitimately an ass prior to the wayward spouse's infidelity.
Starsky, This is the post I was referring too earlier. I was legitimately an ass lots of times in my marriage...i'll accept that. But you say a short plan A before going to the bigger guns....what are you referring to?
Carnac, the main point in the above is to have a period of time when your wayward spouse can see "the new you" before you draw any of the hardest boundaries. ... but you can't lay out an ultimatum to someone who thinks they don't want to be with you anyway.
I mean, think about it: you say "Well, I WILL NOT LIVE IN AN OPEN MARRIAGE! If you want to come back to the marriage, I'll need to have X, Y and Z from you!" If you haven't demonstrated any improvements, and if your wife is still happily affairing, she's going to say "Who said anything about wanting to come back to the marriage???"
THAT is exactly right Carnac. It is what I had to do to get to a point that I could lay down a hard line. I had to do it for a very long time. And it was the hardest thing that I have ever done.
By the time that I got through the "plan A" part of things, I found that I was truly comfortable being DONE. I no longer felt guilt about how I had treated W during our M/R because I felt that I had done everything that I could to make amends and to show her that I was NOT the person who had treated her poorly.
I was fine with either outcome.
When you get there... you know that you are going to be okay.
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
