New to DB

[hopefulinga]

Some of the ice wore off. H called before lunch to see if I was in so tht he could introduce someone to me from one of his job sites. I said yes and they came by. He was very pleasant.

I think H will be out of town the 24th thru the 26th, so I am going to ask him if it would be ok if I did the remaining paint then since he will be gone.

[hopefulinga]

I saw IC today and talked to him about the progress I have been trying to make and how I can keep on track. I felt good and slipped a little and called H this afternoon. He answered and kinda rudely asked what was up and that he was busy. I wanted to tell him something about work, but chickened out and said nothing I'll tell you later. So I need to not overthink that response, not let it affect my good mood and move on.

I've been doing a good job of not calling during the day, which is one of my goals. I need to stay strong and not do it.

I am working on doing some other things to GAL and I am thinking about joining the YMCA.

[hopefulinga]

Another uneventful, albeit quiet, evening at home last night.

H and I went to an event this morning. He did sit next to me and later introduced me to someone as his wife. So, positive signs there.

I also asked him if it would be ok to finish having the room painted while he is gone next week, instead of doing it on my own and not taking his feelings (sensitivity to paint smell) into account.

These are small yet positive steps. And I feel good about them.

[mamabird]

Glad you are seeing the small changes. It will help keep you motivated. This process can be frustratingly slow, I've found out and it's so tempting to read into everything, good or bad.

I read the Laura Munson book. I'd highly recommend it to you. Somehow she manages to stay balanced through her husband's whole MLC, although, compared to some of the situations on this board, it seems like a cake walk. I did find it helpful/inspiring though.

[hopefulinga]

Question/advice needed:

Many posts talk about discovering what make other people attractive to your spouse, and I think I may have uncovered one. Making my H feel like a hero, a knight in shining armour, etc.

Any tips on how to try to improve in this category? I try to thank him as much as I can and tell him that I appreciate what he does for me. This can be hard for me because I am a very strong natured person and I was taught to try to handle things on my own.

Thanks!

[hopefulinga]

H and I will be at an event together for a little while today. I am not anxious about it. We will both have plenty of friends there so it will be ok. None of our friends know what is going on, although I am pretty sure they know there is tension and have seen us fight at times. I just try to keep a smile on my face, act "as if" all is ok, and bite my lip the best I can. Those are my 180s for when he acts like an a$$ towards me in public, or makes smart remarks.

[hopefulinga]

Today has turned out to be a very tragic day. A dear friend of ours was killed in a plane accident. While H and I have discussed several times by phone (he was out of town at the time), I am giving him his space this afternoon. I had to tell our D16, and I wish he was here. I feel so helpless. I called and told him how helpless I felt. I am pretty certain he would not come home right now, so I did not ask. He is with his friends at the airport. I also asked him to help with whatever efforts the public safety department needed. Because of my position at the airport, I was able to get him to the wreckage, which he appreciated (he did not tell me, but I know he did).

This is 2 fatal accidents in 2 months for people we know. I cannot imagine how this is effecting H right now. I will let him talk and not offer up my opinions or thoughts. And I will try to comfort him the best I can.

[hopefulinga]

H is not taking the death of his friend well, as can be expected. I don't know how to react right now. I am trying to not say a whole lot. I don't know how to comfort him and don't know if he would want me to anyway.

I usually make breakfast on Sunday, which I was doing today and he told me he didn't want it. He would go out to eat if he wanted something.

I did ask him for a hug when he left this morning because I needed it. It wasn't an affectionate hug. I don't know whether or not he thinks I don't care, but I do. I am still in shock about what happened and haven't been able to let my emotions out. It is also hard for me to do that because H is a pilot and if he continues to fly, I cannot have visions of broken up airplanes in my head each time he goes up.

H was in a plane accident in 2004 and walked away unhurt. When people we know have accidents, it makes me think of 2004 and how I could have lost H. And it hurts a lot now when our M is on the rocks and I may lose him anyway. I wish I had a do over.

[hopefulinga]

I'm having problems not being clinging and pursuing today, which is understandable under the circumstances. I will do my best to try to not pursue the rest of the day. H told me that he cannot do what he wanted to do today because everyone was interfering with that, so I know that I need to let him have his space today.

This also makes me realize that I have a long way to go to emotionally detach. And to GAL, because this shows me I really have no one to share my feelings with other than H, and I can't even do that right now.

I hate crying in front of D16 because it makes her upset.

[hopefulinga]

H went flying this afternoon, as a ride-a-long/co-pilot. I'm glad that he did because I was afraid that he would shy away from aviation. Since he's come home and left to fly, I feel a little bit better.

I've also thought about my co-dependency and jealousy today. I know that when H makes new friends, he shares flying, etc. with them, and it is exciting to them since they know nothing about it. H and I share aviation, so I pretty much know a lot about what he would be telling other people and it makes it harder for him to impress me.

I remember that early on in our relationship, he was so exciting to me (not that he isn't now). He rode dirt bikes and street bikes, I didn't. He is good at fixing things. He did a lot of things I didn't and hadn't been exposed to. We used to watch NASCAR together every weekend.

I need to figure out how to re-light that spark and excitement. When he bought the last plane, I was very supportive and helped him look. My support turned sour when, after promising me he would, he didn't take me for a quick flight.

As I said earlier, I need to make him feel like a hero, a big-shot, night in shining armor. And I need to figure out how to do it without pursuing and trying too hard.